Scared of men in my bed...

[AbraCadabra]

Scared of men in my bed, does that make me a lesbian?

I do fantasise about having intercourse with a man/ men, and it is a nice FANTACY.
But the real thing.... oh, oh. Only once had a gay male in bed, that was just new but also boring, um.

By comparison being with a girl/female is not scary at all (practice?) but in my fantasy more fluffy, warm and companionable like i.e. less sexy for sure!

So being scared or bored by males (in bed) and not so with females, would that be my main marker of a "Lessie" (me)?

How did you figure out that bit?
Of course can just state to being "BI" and get a move on. Seems a bit like dodging the issue, or doesn't it?

Axelle

[Ann Onymous]

While it could be indicia that one is inclined to be lesbian, I have never found one whose sexuality was based upon a 'fear of men in the bedroom' or even who was simply bored by men.  They just were not attracted to men...period. 

Does that mean that there are none out there who decided to dabble because they were bored?  Hell no.  But rare is the instance that they dabbled and then realized that their dalliances with men had all just been a mistake as they lived out societal expectations. 

I've never slept with a guy and never had an inclination towards such conduct...and that holds both pre- and post-operatively.  I've identified as lesbian since I was a teen...but it NEVER had anything to do with 'being afraid' of men.  They just never held an attraction for me.  It is basically the same as my straight friends...same sex partners just never was anything that held their attraction or set certain emotional atwitter.

[girl_ashley]

I wouldn't say you're a lesbian unless you truly feel that that is how you identify.  Only you can decide that for yourself.  With that in mind and hearing what you have to say, just being afraid of men in bed with you doesn't necessarily make you lesbian. 

[Hikari]

Good luck Val, I hope your date goes well!

and to Axelle, I think perhaps it is the way you are looking at it, the way I see it, sexual orientation isn't really a binary category, more like a spectrum, of course there are people all the way at one end or the other, but I think most of us are not all the way one way or another.

Even though I self identify as a Lesbian, I probably wouldn't put myself all the way at one end either, I am at least open to the possibility that I could find a guy attractive, even if I never have, so I would call myself a 95% attracted to women. My logic being that while men are abit gross, and not really attractive, they aren't really repulsive to me either. This works for me, and keeps me from viewing it totally as a binary (which tends to close us off from potential experiences), Perhaps you are split somewhere on that spectrum, where you have enough attraction to men to merit a sexual feeling, but perhaps not enough to get an emotional connection?

Also while it may frustrate some people you don't have to identify your sexuality, plenty of people are content to "go with the flow" and refuse labels.

[AbraCadabra]

Thanks Ladies,
maybe I sort of jumped the gun be saying "in my bed"?
Yet that's where things with men usually end up with, yes?

In a more subtle way it starts of course much earlier, feeling threatened by men the more I'm attracted... does that make sense?

You would MAYBE want to, but there is this threat, of what may happen.
Will he be gross, or horrible in some way, etc. And in ANY case, will he be OK with ME?!

I also mentioned "bedroom", because outside of it, I can handle men quite OK, so long I do not have to "spread" to put it more bluntly. Going to "surrender" to something ~ "unknown".

Girls are just so much more subtle (those that I know, thankfully) and the idea of being threatened does not come up at all.

Lastly, during my boy-guise life, I totally blocked ANY feelings of attraction towards men. Could feel there was SOMETHING at times, um --- yet it was a no-no, considering myself DEFINATELY hetero.

During month 4 - 5 on HRT all that changed. Being a girl it's just fine to appreciate a well build attractive man, charming to boot? Yummy!
All of the sudden I do notice men, yet there is this dread in taking that ALL THE WAY, even in thought.
I'm sure you can fill in the finer details of intimacy, and some just seems repulsive...?

You're input is very valuable to me as it's nothing easily shared with GGs, in my experience.
Thanks,
Axelle

PS: just a virgin's mind set?

[Padma]

I'd say what makes you gay/bi/lesbian/whatever is more to do with who you're attracted to than who you're scared of. If you're more into men than women, but you're afraid of them, that doesn't make you lesbian.

There are some really decent men. And there are some deeply scary women. Keep looking for the right man/woman, don't worry about the labels, and take things slowly.

[annette]

IMO it's just the person that matters.
When you meet somebody and you feel fine, comfortable and protected by that person, than you have the feeling of winning the lottery.
Who the hell cares or it's a man or a woman, as long as you feel good with that person.
Labelizing, is it gay lesbian or straight is in my opinion just for small minded people.
Just be happy with the one you love, as long as you're feeling fine with it, you have a life worth to be lived.

Valerie....exciting, I hope you find someone who can make you happy, please keep us updated.

hugs
Annette

[spacial]

If it makes any difference, I really don't like sharing my bed, period.

If I'm awake, I would worry about my performance and dread being asked why I'm not enjoying it. Or worse, being called weird.

If I'm asleep, I fear being woken up to be told I was making noise, talking, moving around too much or wet.

The problem with what we do in bed is we rarely have a lot of control over it. So previous experiences can really scar us.

If you can, sleeping alone, once you get the idea into your mind, really is so much better.

[justmeinoz]

Actually it sounds like you are a teenage girl coming to grips with the whole question of sexuality.  Seeing as Transition effectively takes us back to puberty I'm not surprised at all by your reaction.

You sound like any other 15 year old schoolgirl , writing to a magazine for advice.  I wouldn't be too concerned, and just let things proceed at their own pace. 

Karen.

[Lisbeth]

Scared of men in my bed, does that make me a lesbian?

No, it just makes you sensible. Men are pretty scary. Give it time before you decide if you're lesbian.

And "bi" is not dodging the issue. It's a separate, legitimate orientation.

[AbraCadabra]

Thanks again Ladies,
for all the valuable input.

Karen: Being on puberty like sweet 15, and thinking about guys in bed... really?
"The times they are a changing..." B.D. I feel more like 34 and still ask the question.
More like a spinster. Ouch!

Lisbeth: Thank YOU dear to call this sensible rather then being a bit like neurotic.
Makes me feel lots better.

Now how to figure that sexy nice male, from the sexy nasty one?

Maybe subject for another post?

So many GGs can't seem to follow/trust their "instinct" --- so would "we" be any better having spend time on that side of the fence?

Would we have a "leg up" (hee-hee) on one of these con-dudes that could get really scary?

Like ->-bleeped-<--->-bleeped-<-s that are not going to be too obvious about it, and then start to suck you dry. (not another one of these puns - just seem to happen)?

So it *IS* sensible to be quite a bit scared with men (in bed or otherwise) --- good to know, even if charming etc. etc. etc.

Axelle
PS: of course the biggest con-artist I came across in my life this far, happened to be --- a female. So it can go too. Nix is fix :-)

[VeronikaFTH]

I started transition thinking that I was only interested in women, but over the last few years that has shifted.

Honestly I'm not sure where my preference lies. However, I don't lose any sleep over it. I'm not really looking for anyone right now anyway. For the first time in my life I'm happy with myself, and not looking for happiness externally anymore.

Then again, hot guys with a good personality and financially well off, may give me a call. :-)