Should I transition?

[Angel On Acid]

I'm 21, and admitted being trans when I was about 16. I'm in a serious long distance relationship with a girl, who i've been with for over 5 years. The problem with this is that she wouldn't be able to love me as a girl, but I feel like I can't live without her.

Right now, i'm really miserable, and it might be the lowest i've ever felt. Obviously there's the transgender issues, but my dad has recently been diagnosed with brain cancer, my life's going nowhere, there's a few problems at home with my mum, and I don't get to see my girlfriend much. Would transitioning solve my misery? I don't know. I'd feel even worse losing my girlfriend, because to me, she is my life. I also wouldn't want to give my family another worry, and my put my dad through something else, but mainly I wouldn't want my dad's last experience of me to be that. When I was about 17, I tried talking to my parents for support, but i didn't get the result I was hoping for. I felt so ashamed, and I regret doing it, but they think it was just a phase.

I haven't got anyone else to talk to who can relate to this transgendered stuff. A good friend of mine was transgendered, but unfortunately i've pushed him away from me and he doesn't really like me anymore.

I could go into my other problems, but that's not the point of this post. What i'm asking is should I be more concerned about transitioning? Is it a good plan to carry on as a guy?

[Muffins]

My usual quick response to something like this is "no". If you need to ask and have any doubt then it's just automatically a no in my opinion. It's a huge decision to make and it changes your whole life so you need to be 200% sure that it feels right for you.

I noticed you feel that you're basing the decision mostly around other people I can relate to this as I really care far too much what other people think instead of taking charge of my own life and making decisions for myself, it's great to consider others but at the end of the day it's your life and your call.

[VeryGnawty]

My usual quick response to something like this is "no". If you need to ask and have any doubt then it's just automatically a no in my opinion.

^^
This.

[Sephirah]

Would transitioning solve my misery?

By the sounds of it, very unlikely, because gender issues don't seem to be the sole cause of why you're miserable at the moment. You have to deal with those other issues first, or at least get to a point where you can.

Ultimately it's up to you to decide what to do, it's your life to live, but be aware that transition isn't a panacea which makes everything bad go away, and often raises as many problems as it solves. So give it some careful thought before reaching a decision.

I wish you the best.

[Padma]

Would transitioning solve my misery?

If you have gender dysphoria, then transitioning may solve your gender misery - but it's not going to address anything outside of that, and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Not to say that it's not important for you to address your gender issues, but it's important to realise it's not the only thing that needs attention. I'd suggest giving it some loving attention alongside everything else, because doing that may ease some of your stress, but don't see it as The Big Issue, because it sounds like it's just one of them.

My heart goes out to you and your family. Make sure you get the support you need to be able to give them the support they need. If it helps to let stuff out here, don't feel you have to hold back.

[RhinoP]

If that's you in your avatar, you're extraordinarily androgynous and you can pretty much flip the switch to be a girl or a boy any day that you want. It's stunning just how more extremely masculine I look than you, despite how we're the same age. When you look like you do, it's perfectly possible to try out being a girl for a day and being a guy for a day. You can even just try it undercover, walk around somewhere that you know no one you know will be there, and act/dress like a girl. Let it go into your system and see how you feel for it. This freedom is what I believe is extraordinarily helpful on people of all orientations and it's why I quite frankly wish stricter endocrinology check-ups for folks around the world - I believe every young adult should have the option of choosing to restrict overbearing growth patterns before they develop.

However, the avatar looks a tad morphed, though I really only sense a real change possibly in the adams apple; the rest of your face doesn't look like it'd be far off from the morphed avatar. I certainly have seen real young adult boys in person who look as androgynous as that.

[Jennie]

I would say to go and seek a therapist and see if you truly are transgender, then if you are you can go from there, I am a MTF transgender person and I do not intend to tell my Mom or Dad, but I am old and so are they and I can finish my transition after they pass on.
I have told my wife of over 20 years and she helps me in any way she can, if you love this girl and she loves you then talk about it more after you learn more about your condition and if you do have it. If you are transexual it is a birth defect in which case a male is born with the brain of a female and visa versa so it is not a phase or something like that.  I wish the best for you, aloha from Hawaii.

Jennie

[Angel On Acid]

About my avatar, I asked my girlfriend to draw a picture of me in photoshop as a girl. Well, what she did was take an existing photo of me and drew over it to make me look more feminine.

If all the things opposed to transitioning didn't exist in my life, I would be 100% for it. The main thing is my girlfriend - I really want to make it work with her, but the impression I get from the trans community is that in this situation, it's wrong to carry on a relationship like this.

Although there's no doubt in my mind that i'm transgendered, i've been considering going to therapy just so I can have someone to talk to.

It doesn't sound like transitioning would solve alot of my problems, but in my head it seems like it would. I think it would give me more confidence and motivation, so i'd stop thinking things like, "what's the point of doing blah if i'm still gonna be male". The dysphoria would be gone, and the fear that the longer I leave it, the more damage testosterone will do.

Ultimately, I'm unsure. Am I doing the right thing by staying with my girlfriend?

Thanks for all your replies,
Amy

[Ann Onymous]

Ultimately, I'm unsure. Am I doing the right thing by staying with my girlfriend?

And that is a question that nobody but you can answer.  Certainly a competent therapist can help you work through those sorts of issues, but ultimately, it comes down to where your precise level of dysphoria might be and what levels you can live with.  Factored in also has to be the looking back some years down the road and wondering 'what if...'  Some people can get beyond that while others cannot. 

[BillieTex]

First I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. Things like that are very hard and life changing. Second, depending on how long you have had these feelings inside, they may creep back up on you later in life. For some, years later to someone with a family, and coming out then can be difficult and possibly isolate you from those you love the most. Third, transitioning now will also require sacrifices that can be difficult to handle. To change your life, be it by moving to a new city, taking a new job, changing who you are outside to match the inside will require sacrifice. Are you willing to make that sacrifice today? Years down the road after marrage and family? I totally understand this is a very trying time for you and wish I could be of some help. And if you have someone who feels about you like you do her (she is a lucky girl) don't make any decisions without sitting down and talking to her first, it sounds like she deserves some say in the matter. She may be supportive and these feelings may pass when you two share your lives. One never knows for sure     sit back, read, research here and elsewhere, find a symphonic ear to talk to, meditate or pray if you do. Lastly, post questions - you may be surprised how many people have similar feelings and stories.
Sending you a hug and best wishes for you future.

[findingreason]

First off...*big hugs*

I really sympathize and can relate with you, like many others here I suspect, with how your parents took to this. I remember when my mom found it, to say it was a nightmare was an understatement. Now that I've made the decision to finally go forward, when she does find out I really do not care what she thinks now.

It's a tough thing when your involved with someone else...especially someone so close as your GF. Like others have said, it sounds that you have more going on than just gender issues, and while those may be one problem, they certainly will not solve all the others. They may in fact create more. However, by finding a therapist and working on these issues individually, they can help you to devise strategies to handle and cope with the stresses that come in life. If you are indeed TG (like you stated you know you are), it will never go away. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to do something about it, and the cumulative effects of starting will worsen.

Recently I as in a denial swing before finally realizing I have to transition. I almost ended up in a relationship with a girl I know, her and I like each other, and she knew about my gender identity issues. However I was totally living in guy mode and trying a last limb to fight it off inside, and when it came out pouring a couple weeks ago I decided to be upfront with her and tell her everything that was about to happen. Fortunately she will remain a really good friend of mine, but I believe it eliminated any chance of a relationship in the process. It's tough, but when you let gender eat you inside, it will eventually win, and it is a lot like building up a house of cards--- it will eventually collapse from within.

I don't want to point you in any one direction but I felt it was important to share my experience because I found some common elements in reading your posts that have effected me from approaching and dealing with gender issues.

Additionally, if you are overloaded by multiple factors in life, it can be very hard to sort this all out, which is why even a general therapist can really help you. Once you can address each part individually and focus on the picture more precisely it all starts to fall into place...it may not always be easy but it can be very rewarding in the long run. While addressing TG issues may not solve others, I saw it as if I can address those, it will address a strong confounding factor in my life that is getting in the way of my abilities of address other individual issues more appropriately.

I hope some of my experiences may be able to help...and I wish you the best too with working through this, we're all here for you

[Annah]

This is something you need to talk to your therapist about or people who personally know you.

We are not really in a position to give you a right or wrong answer on this one.

[Joelene9]

This is something you need to talk to your therapist about or people who personally know you.

We are not really in a position to give you a right or wrong answer on this one.

Ditto, best answer. 
  Joelene

[Jennie]

Edit: Also. I have had the experience of having an overwhelmingly supportive partner, who is now an overwhelmingly supportive friend. I'm sure you love your girlfriend very much and it is your choice, but I can tell you, after having this one particular woman in my life I would never date someone who was not entirely 100% supportive. Everyone deserves to be loved exactly as they are, and to be supported by their partner. I can't imagine being in a relationship where there is not a feeling of safety and understanding, especially in terms of one's identity.

CB, you hit it right on the head with that last statement.  I am a MTF and I did not come out to my wife until over 20 years of being married, but she is supportive so much so that it makes me cry, she says when I married you the vow was for better or for worst and I am not going to leave you in the worst part of your life, lets make it better together she said.
If you 2 truly love each other then love will trancend all and you 2 will be happy together knowing there is nothing between you and nothing that can break you up because if she is willing to stay with you for transition then all else is not so bad.
Aloha nui loa.

Jennie