Hey everyone,
I'm 27 and posting here because I'm a non-op MTF....person. I'm posting because, unlike some of the others here, (and that's a blatant generalization, as I've only read a handful of threads), my reasons for not transitioning aren't financial or familial. They're just personal. I don't think I could afford to transition if I wanted to, but then again, I've always managed everything I've needed somehow, and I doubt it would be very different. I have no children and am in a committed relationship, (a wonderful one), and my S.O. knows all about my dysphoria. In fact, we have a system of 'pink days' and 'blue' or 'regular' days to make it easy for me to communicate my sort of orientation for the day. Forgive me if I'm rambling a little bit. It's four in the morning and I've had a cappuccino and about thirty seven cups of tea. Anyway, I've dealt with GID since I was about 6 years old, and figure I can just keep on dealing with it.
I suppose I'm only posting to vent how frustrating it is to be a sort of fence-sitter, like I am. I don't transition because some of the time, I feel just fine being a guy. Other times, all I want is to feel and look feminine. I had the opportunity to transition a few years ago, came out to my close friends and family, went full-time at home and tried some public excursions, and, passing without much difficulty, realized that I didn't feel much different being treated as a woman. So I decided not to transition. Most of the 'need', (you know what I'm talking about--the urge to transition) dissipated for a couple of years, and only in the past six months has it slithered out from whatever dripping dark place it sleeps to whisper in my ear again. I'm posting here because, yeah, I have trouble dealing with it, feelings of guilt and shame when I'm feeling feminine and absolute distance from that side of myself when I'm not. It's frustrating to not know yourself.
My S.O. posted on another forum seeking advice, and because she cares enough about me to talk to others, I thought I would do the same. The most difficult part for me is that I keep my S.O. guessing; she wonders if one day I'll change my mind, transition and abandon our life together, even though I never would (and she's told me so many times that she'll love me no matter what body I'm in). I just....love my life the way it is. My body is a sack of meat, really, and yeah, sometimes I wish the sack of meat were a lot prettier, but most of the time I just stuff it full of pizza and nicotine anyway.
So, I guess that's it. In the words of Daniel Johnston: Hi, how are you.
-JH
