What I did...

[silvershadow17]

Well, I decided to write Erin a letter and tell her all the things that I would be willing to do to show her full love and acceptance as the girl that she is.  I feel like that's what is holding her back from coming back to me, but I'm not really sure of anything lately.  I sent it through e-mail last night.  She never responded to me.  I also challenged myself by making a transgender pride t-shirt with the words...I love my girlfriend Erin written on it and the pink, blue, and white transgender flag and wore it out in public to see how it felt.  It felt good.  I know within my heart that I am more ready than I've ever been to be in this relationship with Erin.  The problem is, Erin's not talking.  I feel like she's just shut the door on me.  How can I know what she feels if she's not responding to me or even trying to reach for me in any way?  I'm not sure what to do anymore.  Is her avoiding talking to me her way of saying that she's done with me for good?  I'm so frustrated.

When I saw her last week when I just showed up to tell her my feelings, she let me in to speak my mind.  She even offered me to spend the night instead of driving home at 1:00 am.  I told her I was fine, but she insisted because she didn't want me to fall asleep at the wheel.  I offered to sleep on the couch, but she wouldn't have that.  We slept in the same bed.  There was a point where she and I were almost as close as we could be face to face just looking in each other's eyes for quite a while, not saying a word.  We layed together in silence for over an hour while I gently rubbed her head and shoulder.  She put one of her legs over me as we fell asleep, but she didn't hold me like she used to.  It was hard to be so close to her like that, but both of us were respecting each other's boundries.  I know it was hard for her too.

What do I do to see where she's at?  Do I try to see her and spend time with her?  Do I just disappear and see if she reaches for me?  I really can't tell if she just wants me to go away and let her be, or if she still loves me and just needs time?  I'm lost...

[spacial]

Thinking of you and Erin, Kaylee.

Take care and big hugs. Keep us posted about what's happening.

[YinYanga]

I'm not sure if I have responded before and I don't know what I could say that could help...but I get the feeling you are investing a lot of energy to make things work again. Maybe Erin won't appreciate that now and needs more space and less closeness but the memories of how you reacted and tried to understand, tried to stay in touch will only make her appreciate you more in the future

Maybe that's some relief

[silvershadow17]

Hi there,
I appreciate your response.  Your right.  I have been trying way to hard to make things right, and it's backfiring on me.  Erin is pushing me away.  She doesn't seem to want me anymore.  I have decided to just let her be and give her the time and space she wants and needs.  The hardest part for me is feeling like she doesn't love me anymore.  I want to believe she does, but if she did....why does she seem to want me to go away? 

[Jennie]

Hi Kaylee, I really hope things get better, please tell Erin that me as a MTF with a wife of over 20 years, well I could not have gotten as far in my transition with out her support and love, she is my wife and my best friend, I hope that for you as well, aloha from Hawaii.

Jennie

[spacial]

Hi there,
I appreciate your response.  Your right.  I have been trying way to hard to make things right, and it's backfiring on me.  Erin is pushing me away.  She doesn't seem to want me anymore.  I have decided to just let her be and give her the time and space she wants and needs.  The hardest part for me is feeling like she doesn't love me anymore.  I want to believe she does, but if she did....why does she seem to want me to go away?

Kaylee.

I've been following your posts and have a few observations.

While I'm sure we can understand the effect of the letter, it could only have ever been short term. People say silly things to each other all the time. Please don't think I'm trying to make light of it, but that was just a passing blip.

The issue here is Erin. She has taken two decisions, to deal with her gender issues and to start a new life.

The two are connected only in as much as they happened together, that one led to the other. But in all seriousness, either was bound to come out, eventually.

Now to you. You have invested your heart into someone. This was no passing fancy, for you. This was it. Erin's deciding to deal with these issues now is not reflection upon you. That sounds a cliché. But it really is true. I can imagine that Erin, at this time will be feeling pretty low as well. She will be thinking of who you are and how much you invested.

Now, it's over. Possibly, at some time in the future, you may both meet and restart a relationship. But that will be a different relationship. It won't ever be the same.

All I can say to you, is if I could I would give you the biggest hug right now.

Now it's often said that few relationships can survive this process. I'm sorry to say that is not true. It's a separate issue. In your case, it just didn't work. That has got to hurt.

Now you have quite a lot of experience to offer here. I do hope you will cointinue to log into Susans' and remain part of our community.

[chloe23]

Kaylee, I totally agree with Spacial"s comments. I think you have been trying to hard to make the relationship work, but i think Erin doesn't want to hurt you either thru all this. There is nothing wrong with being good friends and giving her 100% support thru this. Like Spacial said, she needs to deal with her gender issues and hopefully start a new life. If Erin decides to transition to a woman, she may be scared where her journey is going to take her because she is now trying to figure herself out and she feels she needs space. Down the road if Erin chooses to have SRS, she may be comfortable in a lesbian relationship or she may seek out to experiment with men. Only Erin can answer these questions and what her feeling are. You can't make somebody do something they don't want to do and she may not want to hurt your feelings any more than she has right now. we are here to support both of you thru this because sometimes getting your feelings off your chest helps. good luck, Chloe

[silvershadow17]

I appreciate your honesty, but these things are really painful to hear for me.  How can she go from telling me she loves me with every fiber of her being and say she wants to spend the rest of our lives together to this?  How can she be so deeply in love with me, then just back away like I am nothing?  That's what I'm not understanding.  I know the letter I wrote hurt her deeply.  She said it hurt hurt more than I could ever know.  I realize I destroyed everything.  I wrote the letter before I was able to let go of "Brandon".  I didn't even know she was Erin for over a year.  Doesn't anybody understand that it was a shock to me and that I needed time to figure out where I was at and how I felt?

I found what she wanted me to have.  Total love and accceptance.  I can now give her that, but she doesn't want it anymore.  That hurts me more than you know.  I want to share that life with her, transition or not.  I know she loved me more than the world.  How can she just shut off her feelings?  I can't.

[Ann Onymous]

I've not read every thread on the subject, but I have to wonder if part of what is going through Erin's mind is a concern that there could be yet another rather abrupt change of heart.  In a very short period of time you went from seemingly not being able to deal with the loss of Brandon to almost going overboard to show that you want Erin in your life.  Wicked pendulum swings like that are not easy for some people to deal with...

There is also the secondary issue that it takes many transsexuals many, many years to get to the point of admitting to themselves that they need to transition.  Once that occurs, shields often go up because they attempt to strike a balance between the old life and new.  Personally, I did not have that many people that I had let get closer in my life than the figurative arms-length distance.  Even now, there are very few people outside of my family that know my medical history...it takes a great deal of trust to get to the point of sharing with someone else, and unfortunately, it just takes someone in the past having shattered that trust to make it infinitely more difficult to trust the next person in line.  You just happen to be that next person...

Give things time...but also allow the relationship/friendship time to breathe.   

[silvershadow17]

Yes, I know you are right.  Erin's ex-girlfriend Jillian whom she was with for four years went through alot of this with her.  Jillian wanted Erin to hide who she is, and it caused tension in their relationship.  They would fight about it every couple of months.  They decided after four years, that they were better off as friends.  I think that's why Erin has said to me, "how do I know we won't be fighting about this every few months?"  She's looking at me like I'm Jillian.  Yes, I have come to the place of acceptance quickly, and I think that scares Erin. She says that she can't trust me.  She said she feels like she can't take the chance that we are going to fight about this all the time like she did with Jillian.  I understand her fears, but I'm not Jillian.  I didn't find out about Erin's desire to be female until 14 months into knowing him as Brandon.  That's why I was in denial and having trouble coping.  When I let go of Brandon, I could see it was Erin whom I loved.  That is the truth.  I think I needed to write that letter to get out my feelings about losing Brandon.  At the time I wrote it, I was angry and I felt betrayed.  I know now that I love Erin with all my heart.  I don't care how she dresses or if she transitions because it's the soul of her that I am so deeply in love with.  But I don't think she believes me.  Partly because of Jillian leaving her mark and partly because I found acceptance so quickly.  Either way, I've lost the person whom I love more than the world.  I'm not going to push Erin anymore.  I will be here for her if she needs me.  I told her that.  All I can do is step back and hope she can find it in herself to know that I love her for the beautiful person she is.  Maybe with time she will see the truth in my heart. I know that she loved me.  She loved me enough to tell me this.  She trusted me because she knew how deeply I loved her.  Her own parents don't even know the truth.  I will continue to learn as much as I can about transgender issues.  I'm going to volunteer at a transgender support group to help myself to learn and grow more as a person.  Until then, I will give her the space she needs and pray for her return.

[spacial]

Kaylee.

I can only repeat my firm belief, that your letter was nothing more than a catalyst. Erin took her decision because she feels, within herself, she needs to.

I hope you know I and many others really do understand. You settled yourself into, what you thought was the one. When you're in that, you don't expect silly things to bring it all crashing down, like a couple of kids, falling out over petty issues. You expect problems and you expect to deal with them as an adult.

One doesn't play and leaves you devestated.

I am so sorry Kaylee.

[Born_to_Rune]

I can only give opinion on something we can only get a snapshot of. I did say in another thread I thought trust was a big issue, and I still believe it is, for a number of different and complex reasons. No matter how unintended your initial reaction was, it appears to have been the catalyst, and from what I've read, a previous issue for Erin in her other relationship which just opened old insecurity right up again.
The problem when any trust is lost is it can either destroy everything, or it takes a lot of time and patience to rebuild. It sounds like you need to try and step back, and put no expectations on Erin at this stage, although you can say you are there if she needs you. It never hurts to occasionally remind someone of that, but the trick is learning when and how often. There is no set rule, you will have to try and judge that yourself.
Perhaps you need to try and begin this as a new friendship; see if that works and take it from there.

[silvershadow17]

I agree with you totally.  I feel that letter I wrote, no matter what my reasoning was why I lost Erin.  She doesn't trust me anymore.  She loved and trusted me completely before I wrote that.  She doesn't see that my letter was never about not loving her.  It was all from the shock and the fear of finding out that she wasn't Brandon.  I needed time to swallow that and look deeper.  I don't think at this point she can even begin to see what I felt when I found out the truth. 

She doesn't believe that I really accept her.  She is basing her feelings by what Jillian did to her.  Even though we are two very different people, the experiences that are in her heart have lingered there and left a permanent scar. 

I have told Erin that I am stepping back and giving her the space she needs because I love her.  I told her that I will be here for her always.  I told her that I wasn't listening, but reacting.  Trying so hard to prove my love and make everything better, but she doesn't want to or isn't able to deal with that right now.  She will not talk or respond to me at all.  I am hoping that this time apart from each other will somehow help her to think about how very much I do love her and to find that deep love that we found in each other once again.   That's all I can do.  My heart belongs to her, and it's not going anywhere. 

[spacial]

Remember, our hearts and thoughts are with you Kaylee.

I know I and many others will completely understand your feelings and current position.

Best wishes.

[Jennie]

Hi Kaylee, I like the others wish you only the best and I hope things workk out the way you want them to.
I wish Erin would read this post, some understanding might be had.
I also think that it is not easy, I think it is hard to find someone like you that is willing to accept them for what they are, it might be hard for Erin to find a true love, I hope she knows that it is right infront or her face, another chance will not hurt, it will just affirm.
Again I wish you well, aloha.

Jennie

[silvershadow17]

Thank you Jennie.  Your words make me smile.  I do accept and love Erin for the beautiful girl that she is, inside and out.  I pray that in time she will see that.  I miss her terribly.