Today, tomorrow, and the end

[jillian]

  Today I was alone at work.  I am good at what I do, so its not a big deal, but its what goes on inside that is at issue.
I get so scared of people. Its not because of how I am being treated, its because my feminimity is on the surface. Ive begun my transition and I dont want to hide it, but the people I am around all know me as not just a man, but thee man. I know...go figure.
 
   I never thought I was special, but I have an god iving gift of being able to do my job at the top of the spectrum. Its just a job though, and I dont think this should be associated with gender...but it is.

Thats not the issue.  I wanted to die today. Not because I dont love life, but because I am afraid to live. The fear, the anxiety, the rejection. Everything that Ive been dealing with over the last 2 months seems to be intensifying.  I have gathered a few allies, but no one in my immediate life other than Karin, my wife.  I am tired of being rejected by people I would of died for. It hurts me.

When I was young, when I didnt live up to my families expectations, my dad used his connections to have me thrown in jail. I pretty much spent 17-18 locked away, and they even attempted to have my minorhood extended to lock me up until I was 21. I keep feeling like thats going to happen again :-(

All drama aside. I keep contemplating my demise at my own hands.  I just want my family to love ME, not who they want me to be.
I feel like I am hurting my wife, even though she acts like she accepts it, I can feel her energy...she is struggling, but she is afraid Ill kill myself, I can tell.
Sometimes I wonder why I should postpone the inevitable. I dont think I will survive transition.  My therapist seems to think I will be a champion of trans civil rights... I just want peace...of mind. I want my body to stop aching from working so hard. I want to be able to relax.     I feel like the moments I do get the oppurtunity, I cant.   Then everything just compounds and I get so distressed.  Im still living...for now.   each day as it comes :-)

[Randi]

Please excuse me for saying it but you are suicidal now and should seriously seek therapy to help avoid death. What is it you are afraid of-where does the fear come from? Fear is the mind killer that keeps us from moving forward toward another day. You are strong I can sense that from what you have posted-and I also know you do not want to die today.

Do not entertain these thoughts as even being a possibility-thats the quick way to avoid some difficult situation. Go past that way of thinking-now. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for someone else that you care deeply about.

I say this because I have been there too-recently. I just take one day at a time and have avoided the things that trigger my self-loathing and am still here to post what I am going thru.

We/I want you to live and be here with us to help those who come after we have made some progress toward our next phase of life. You can do this.

Randi

[azSam]

You need to stop being so down, for your own safety. I know all of our ideal situations are for our entire family and friends to accept us unconditionally, but that's just not the case.

You are transitioning for YOU, not for them. If they can't handle your transition and want to dissociate themselves from you, well it's their loss. They are missing out on the chance to get to know the -real- you, not the angry, faux persona that you've put up for most of your life.

Just stand strong, be fierce, and don't let anyone or anything get you down. Believe me, you will feel the weight of everything dragging you down; but it's up to you to keep yourself strong.

[chloe23]

You need to stop being so down, for your own safety. I know all of our ideal situations are for our entire family and friends to accept us unconditionally, but that's just not the case.

You are transitioning for YOU, not for them. If they can't handle your transition and want to dissociate themselves from you, well it's their loss. They are missing out on the chance to get to know the -real- you, not the angry, faux persona that you've put up for most of your life.

Just stand strong, be fierce, and don't let anyone or anything get you down. Believe me, you will feel the weight of everything dragging you down; but it's up to you to keep yourself strong.

I totally agree with Samantharz. You need to discuss this with your therapist and get the help you need. I am very concerned for you safety and that you might hurt yourself. You need to discuss how you feel and your thoughts and be honest with them so they may get you the help you need. You definitely need to look up and to the bright side of things and stay away from your negative feelings. You are transitioning for yourself and not anyone else, so you need to stay focused on that.  I think you are a very intelligent person and you do write your feelings very well, but your letting your life being consumed in a bottle by what other people think of you. You need to start letting your femininity take control and stop fighting it and move on with your transition. You are very lucky to have a wife that fully supports you transitioning and is eager to learn about the subject. This is both of your journey and hopefully you both will grow together and your dad happily will someday accept you as his daughter.

(((((HUGS))))))
   Chloe

[jamie nicole]

Jil- one thing you will discover thru your transition is that you will lose friends but you will also gain a whole new friend base.....hang in there.  there will be ups, there will be downs but you need to keep your head down and plow thru the waves and stay the course!
when you get to feeling like this, do not be afraid to call 911 or the crisis center at the local hospitals

[jillian]

I dont believe that I could do it.
The last thing I would do is call 911 though.
I have all the tools I need to handle emotional situatios. There is nothing anyone can tell me aside from "I love you" that I dont already know.

I can accepet that Ive been rejected, the issue is, they act like it is my fault.
Saturday we tell my father in law. I am preparing myself for the ultimate rejection from him. In fact, I am concerned he may get physical.
Im no spring chicken though ;-)

Listen. As much as I can think about and entertain thoughts of suicide and dying, I cannot see myself doing it, Thats not how my story ends. I know this for sure because I am the one writting it.

Ive just gotten to a point where I cant hold onto these thoughts and feelings. I cant leave them floating inside me.  Im sorry if I frighten anyone, but this is real. I am not ashamed of who I am. I love who I am, in fact my friends that know who are around me quite a it have even noticed that I seem to be happier since telling them.

I will get through this. Thanks for being there

[Cindy]

Hi Jill,

You are in a depression state and need some help quite quickly, see your family Dr or go to an ER and talk to people about your suicidal feelings.

There is nothing odd about having such feelings, I and I reckon over half of Susan's have had them. But they can get controlling. And in many cases they are easily treated. You may need some anti depressant meds for a while. And of course discuss this with your therapist.

You have a fine future, you have a partner who loves you. Two things many people do not have. You have us.

If you are having panic attacks, try deep breathing with a slow release. It builds up your blood oxygen levels which is good for the brain cells.

As many people know I have seen the black dog and thought about ending it. The road was too long and the pain too great. I have managed to go forward inch by yard by mile. So can you.

Hang in and if you want to pm me feel free to do so.
Hugs and Love

Cindy

[jamie nicole]

I dont believe that I could do it.
The last thing I would do is call 911 though.
I have all the tools I need to handle emotional situatios. There is nothing anyone can tell me aside from "I love you" that I dont already know.

I can accepet that Ive been rejected, the issue is, they act like it is my fault.
Saturday we tell my father in law. I am preparing myself for the ultimate rejection from him. In fact, I am concerned he may get physical.
Im no spring chicken though ;-)

Listen. As much as I can think about and entertain thoughts of suicide and dying, I cannot see myself doing it, Thats not how my story ends. I know this for sure because I am the one writting it.

Ive just gotten to a point where I cant hold onto these thoughts and feelings. I cant leave them floating inside me.  Im sorry if I frighten anyone, but this is real. I am not ashamed of who I am. I love who I am, in fact my friends that know who are around me quite a it have even noticed that I seem to be happier since telling them.

I will get through this. Thanks for being there

as long as you got your core nucleus of support/friends and it sounds like you do, my personal opinion is that of not giving a ->-bleeped-<- about what anyone else thinks.......try it on for size and see if it helps 

[jillian]

I do that quite a bit.
I think I am a little shocked at exactly who rejected me and how.
When I stop to really think about it, its no surprise, but I am heartbroken over it.

To me its not so much not having them in my life,its the realization that they dont love ME, and this whole time their
approval and respect for me, was not because they loved me, but rather they loved that I was satifying their perception of who I should be (if that makes sense?)
This is what is tearing me apart, because I know I am so beautiful. I have an amazing mind and a wonderous heart, and all they had to do was look. Instead they let the pressures of
society win out over me :-(

Ive known it for a while.  Even before coming out. I guess Ive kind of been in denial, but I cant do that now. Its all up in my grill.

This pain manifests in many ways. It oscillates through the pain spectrum: pulsing in and out of acceptance, flowing through the ego's "not giving a ->-bleeped-<-" attitutde, through my pain bodies self pitty which manifests suicidal thoughts. Somedays I get consumed by the negative aspects of this spectrum, while other days it motivates me to almost super human abilities. I am working on isolating this, but I eventually will need closure. I honestly feel I need to express to my family how their rejection has hurt me, and how I am prepared to move forward without them in my life if they cannot 100% accept me for who I am. I dont know if now is a good time though.