Just had a very weird experience

[MRH]

OK so Ive been feeling pretty low recently and tonight I've just felt worse. Theres no one issue that sticks out but its just a build up of everything over the last few weeks. I haven't cried in ages and I generally try not to because I don't like to cry. I guess I come from a family that do not openly express emotion so for me crying feels like I've let down my guard and I'm exposed. Anyway I opened an email from my dad explaining he'd bought me some books. He then went on to tell me how when he was my age that he wanted to be in a band and didn't do great at school or college because that wasn't his focus in life but his parents forced him to go to Uni and he ended up getting a degree in English Lit and he was also in a very successful band although I cant remember why they broke up. He was saying that when I'm done with college he doesn't want me to just do nothing, that I need a Uni degree. He'd bought me some books on comic book and life drawing things as well as a UCAS application book thingy. I haven't got them yet so I don't know exactly what they are but for some reason I just started crying and for two different reasons. I was crying from happiness and sadness. I was happy because as I said I've never had an emotionally open family and my dad was sorta telling his story. There was nothing that emotional about it but I guess it felt like he was trying to stop me from making a mistake which shows a lot of love, something he hasn't shown in a while. I guess reading it I felt a father/son moment even though he doesn't know that I want to be male but we still do have that kind of relationship in a way because I've never acted or looked girly. I felt someone was taking an interest in me but at the same time I felt really sad. My dads the kinda person whose very education driven. My partner only did high school and although he is making a lot of money now my dad was always trying to make him go to college which wasn't for my partner. Also my dad is the kind of person who seems to think a job that you hate but makes you a lot of money is better than a job you love that pays peanuts. I felt a wave of disappointment because I don't want him to think less of me if I don't go to Uni and I kinda feel like he feels that way already and is therefore trying to make me go.  Its weird because I felt both a strong sense of him encouraging me and supportive me as well as him forcing and trying to make me do something to make him feel good. Its strange. I cried for two very different reasons. Reasons that really contradict each other yet seem to exist at the same time. Anyway I cried and it felt good but weird.

[Padma]

I understand that feeling - he's showing you he cares, and he's showing you himself - but he's also caught up in a generational/dad thing where he feels responsible for making you be a "success", because it feels like it's his job as a dad to do that. I'm actually envious of you - my dad pulled the "success" thing on me, but without the love behind it that you're clearly getting. Have a good cry, why not? But also bask in it a little .

And doing something that makes you content and happy means you don't need a big income to buy all the crap that discontented people try to use to fill the hole in their lives. So it balances out - it more than balances out, because you're happy and stress-free too. Go to uni or not, but either way give some thought to what it is you love, and make sure that gets some priority in your life.

[justmeinoz]

I take it you like drawing, and he is aware of it? If so, it just sounds like he is giving you support in the best way he knows how.

As parents we just try to do the best we can, although some of us don't have much breadth of experience or understanding.

Karen.