Just some random thoughts

[Randi]

I have an appt with my nurse pract for a checkup next week and the issue of gender is bound to come up-especially in the light of my having used hormones for over a year. I tell her everything and she is very nice to talk to. I plan to go back on hrt asap and hope she can help me do this the right way. If nothing else I am hoping she can get me in contact with someone who can help.


Randi 

[Randi]

Well, is anybody out there?  I didn't expect to be ignored. I really had hoped to find some friends here at Susans but it would appear that I'm still talking to myself. Out of all the people I have tried to share things with and support when it was apparent they needed it only 2 have ever sent me an email and those two I thank for you concerns. I struggle too but do my best to put on a game face and move forward. I'm reminded of a line in a Pink Floyd song-"hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way, the time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say".

I think I'll go to the girls lavatory and talk to any friendly ghosts that might be there. Goodbye.

[Padma]

Hey, cheer up Randi - I just read your first post above and it seemed like info rather than specifically looking for a response, but anyway... I hope your meeting with the nurse goes well - just be clear about what you want and assume she's on your side, that should help.

Oh, and if you see Myrtle in the lavs, cheer her up too, send her a kiss from me x

[madirocks]

Sorry Randi I just now saw this post! 

I feel the same way some times, but it certainly is not something personal. Topics just seem to get buried so fast in this thread. Rather frustrating I know!

I hope it goes well with the nurse practitioner I am sure it will, as I don't see why it won't.

And Padma ditto for Myrtle. I'm going to see the new HP tonight. Can't wait!

[Randi]

First let me say that I am sorry for the way that post sounded. In retrospect I can hardly believe it was me writing that. I have been off my meds and am getting increasingly unstable and my hair is starting to fall out again-so I have not been a happy camper.

Padma- there was a lot more but I got self-conscious and took it off. I'll put some of it back on because it was important to me to say it. If it's tmi just say so or go ahead and trim it as you like but I'd like to think it was acceptable and pertinent to some of us.

Madi-You are right-things do get buried in all the info that is input here daily. I know that but like I said I'm not always rational. My Nurse practitioner-she is great and I would tell her anything. Did I mention that she is very beautiful to look at?  I don't like her boss but she is priceless and I won't let that relationship go without a struggle. I doubt seriously that she could write my perscriptions without his ok but I am going to ask just the same-it never hurts to try. I have got to get back on my meds so I can be stable mentally again-I miss that most of all.

At this stage in my life I seem to be surrounding myself with drop-dead gorgeous women and I am so jealous of the way they present themselves. But they do give me good ideas for outfits and such. One of the thoughts I deleted was about my niece. She and I were shopping together when we went to Florida last month and the others were there but shopping elsewhere. She spent several minutes finding me outfits to wear and holding them up against me to look at in a mirror. I have never said anything about my gender issues to her but somehow she knows-and I love her for doing that for me.

Sorry but I did not see Myrtle in the lavatory darn it. Perhaps she knew I was unstable and didn't want to upset me further. I am kind of like her in that I have no friends that are still living. Oh well, it is what it is.

Randi

[Randi]

I want very badly to get back on Estrogen and T-blockers. I have been off of them for a while now getting ready for my blood work. My breasts have not stopped itching and growing although they no longer hurt if I hit them on something. In an odd sort of way I miss that too. I am almost ready for a larger cup size as the bras I have now just don't fit right anymore - it is becoming more difficult to keep all the tissue inside my bra cups. My breasts are getting larger around the base and are round not so much cone shaped. I can only hope they will grow forward some more and get heavier but if they don't I am quite happy to have what I have now. Just knowing I have them makes me very happy.

If I want to conceal them I can easily without a bra on but if I am wearing a bra there is no way can I hide them unless I have on a jacket or something thick and loose.

Randi

[Randi]

There is a clothing store near where I work that has clothing hanging outside when the weather is clear. I have been seeing these brightly colored capri's and tee shirt dresses there and I have been able to resist going and spending money on clothes I can't wear readily. There is this one white dress with a black design on the front that I really want. No I can't have it-at least not yet! I think I will go and get fitted for a new bra instead!

For the past few days I have been wearing my bras with nothing over my shirt and noone has said anything out of the ordinary. One of the service guys caught me coming out of my office today and if he couldn't tell something is a bit different he is blind-but he just asked me about work related issues and I went home. At the store I stopped and bought some beer and the cashier guy was all smiles and very friendly-much moreso than any other time before. I know I should be careful but I want to present as female and am becoming unafraid of what others think about it. In spite of my fears I am finding confidence. I need a new outfit to wear to my doctors office visit and therapist sessions!

What is next-makeup and ears pierced!

[Francis Ann Burgett]

Randi, Your life & mine are similar. It is so hard being in between, how much feminine do you show if you go out as a male, is clean nail polish OK, are small earrings OK, are nice but kinda male shorts & blouse OK. It is so hard being in between. It is a difficult time no doubt. I've been on & off so many times. One day I'm absolutely a woman 100%, the next day after my hair grows out I realize I'm still male. 

If you have a good job & income it seems to me that is almost time for you to live full time. Just let go & be a woman 24-7 if you can. I know it is hard, I'm not full time right now, I wish I were but I'm not passable enough 24-7.

Makeup & pierced earrings are fun to me. There is so much you can do with makeup & earrings are a must, I own so many.

I feel for you & we'll email talk any time. I know everyone cares about our fellow sisters.

Francis Ann

[Randi]

Hi Francis, If I were living alone I would go ahead and live 24/7 but I still live with my wife and son-at least for the time being. My wife and I are more like friends and haven't been intimate for some time.

My dress consists of a mix of men's and womens-womens jeans with mens tee's or some other kind of shirt. Sometimes it's mens pants and a womens polo or tee and when it's cold I wear mock turtles almost every day. Some days I will wear womens pants and tops with a necklace of some kind if I feel especially feminine and nobody says anything to me at work-just so I keep it business casual or close to that I am ok there. No earrings yet but that is coming soon and makeup. I think makeup will help me alot in my presentation woes.

I will email you, thanks.
Randi