Since I've been establishing myself as male so much more, still pre- everything but my birth name and old life has faded into the background just as an unpleasant annoyance. But I've been feeling a bit awkward about a couple of things.
First off, I'm highly offended and hurt every time I get called a bitch or a ->-bleeped-<- on youtube. it doesn't hurt or offend me to be insulted, but to be considered female. And I can't say ->-bleeped-<- back and tell all the trolls & haters to stop calling me female names because I am NOT a female! Because they don't know that about me, and it could even go as far as to get me killed since my home address and everything is re-blasted all over the internet every time I say anything under my birth name/identity. But being called female, in that way, feels like a real attack on my pride, because I see myself as the big, strong guy who can take care of himself. And so especially being called a ->-bleeped-<-, it makes me feel like people are saying, "hey, that's your place to be a weak female for us to hate, bully and victimize as we please".
And secondly, I'm kind of confused or rather perplexed about not being able to say a lot of things now that "I call myself a guy". Because as a guy, I can't check out other guys or go on about how hot I still think a certain someone is, because that kind of stuff isn't welcome or accepted coming from a guy. I'm not even sure if I'm in the gay world yet, I'm just some fat ugly in between freak without being on T or having had any surgeries. But it really cramps my style that I can't go on about how gorgeous someone is or see a good looking guy and be like "heyyy what's up?" Like I saw a kinda cute kid the other day, tall, skinny, but striking eyes. He said "hey man what's up" or something, and I said "not much bro". I can pull off the interaction without seeming weird, I guess, but I still feel like a freak a creep and a perv now since I realize most guys are not gay and are not going to want to hear my input on their good looks.
