Advice on comming out to girlfriend (long)

[WantHelp]

Hi, i'm new here and desperately want some advice.

First about myself, i'm a 20 y/o crossdresser with a great girlfriend.  We're actually planning on moving in together very soon, so i want to get the crossdressing issue totally into the open first.  Additionally, on the outside i'm extremely masculine (something my gf enjoys).  I work on cars, weld, work at an autoparts store, and am a little redneckish...Totally contrasting to my hidden femme side.

I used to be an occasional crossdresser,  like 2-3 times a year.  Then i met her a year ago and we've been super close and tight.  She knows just about everything.  In fact, last summer i told her that i used to crossdress and that i no longer did it (which was truth, havent crossdressed for a year and a half).  She had the usual questions about my sexuality (i'm straight) and if i wanted to be a woman (i dont).  Her finall response was that she would rather i didn't crossdress, but i could if i really wanted to.  At the time i didn't want to crossdress, so i told her it was in my past.  It was left at that until halloween.

I suggested it might be fun for us to change roles for halloween since i had experience crossdressing and would look pretty good.  She loved the idea.  That day we bought a new wig and talked makeup, clothes, and shoes for hours.   She was totally having fun with the idea.   I bought new shoes, lingerie, and tried on like thirty of her outfits to find the right look.   This was like a week of this, and it was fun for both.  Then...she got wierded out and started acting really wierd...she didn't like it once she saw how much fun i was having.  I think that is totally understanding...that might freak out any girl. 

So, we ditched the halloween idea.  Talked more about my crossdressing (the "why i do it" questions).  Finally after lots of talking we came to the conclusion that i would forget about my crossdressing self. 

After three months, i really have a strong urge to express my feminine side.  I also thought she might be ok with it for a few reasons:
1.)she had just started new birth control when she got wierded out for Halloween...thought it might have been a hormone thing with stress
2.)one time we were talking with her girlfriends and she said "my baby (me) would make a pretty girl" just joking around.
3.)we were at a fair and she jokingly said, "want to buy a wig?"

She's also into enjoying some feminine things with me, examples:
1.)i pluck her eyebrows
2.)i pick out her nail polish
3.)she takes me clothes shopping and asks for my advice
4.)playing around, she let me style her hair

Because we are typically completely open with each other, i am desperate to tell her that i somehow want crossdressing to be part of my life (even if only 2-3 times a year).  I am also terrified to bring it up again.  I think it's harder to bring it up again, than it was originally.

I tried to bring it up 5 times last weekend, but chickened out everytime.  She picked up on the fact that something was wrong and later that night commented, "i'm so glad your stomach hair is back (shaved for halloween)...i hated it when it's gone.  I find it so sexy."    I'm guessing she knew i was going to say something about crossdressing previously in the day, and tried to shut it down with the stomach hair comment.

Finally, i love this girl very much.  She is pretty perfect and i dont want to risk hurting her.  However, this supressed crossdressing is killing me.     

Sorry this is so long!  Hope i was able to clearly type up my thoughts.   Hope you girls can help, but if not it still felt great to vent my thoughts on this forum.

[Brianna]

Sweetie,

It is utterly impossible for you not to crossdress. It's not just impossible, it's unhealthy. It will devastate you psychologically. Transvestism is just a color of the human condition, and you've got it.

Make your peace with it, enjoy it - but keep it under control. Don't let it control you.

As for your girlfriend. She's either going to accept it or she's not going to. Close relationships are based on mutual openness and honesty. She needs to know that you have a further need to crossdress.

I had a long talk with a SO of a ->-bleeped-<- yesterday and she made some interesting observations.
1. She felt like her boyfriend only saw the clothes she was wearing as a sexual object and not her.
2. She felt like her boyfriend spent money on crossdressing at the expence of being neat and presentable with her.
3. She felt like the transvestism threatened her role as the woman in the relationship.

I'm not saying that any of those have to do with your relationships, but I think they are valid issues.

There will almost certianly be issues of your own. The solution to the problems that will arive is LISTENING and SETTING BOUNDARIES. Try to put yourself in her shoes. Ask her to do the same for you. If it's a good relationship, you will be able to solve problems.

Bri

[cindianna_jones]

What Bri said.  Tell her and get it out in the open.  You'll be sorry if you don't.

Cindi

[WantHelp]

Thank you for your speedy replies.  This is truly a great forum.

I have come to terms with my crossdressing, and i know that i can't let it control me.

I know i have to bring up with crossdressing thing again with her.  It's just so hard.  I love her so much and we have such a great thing going.  I'm just terrified of hurting her or making her feel wierd around me.   Honestly, though, supressing that side of myself is definately taking a phsychological toll.   But bringing this up again is soooo ridiculously hard.   

I just feel like i'm stuck...the sad thing is...i don't think crossdressing would have any profound effect on us.  I would totally settle for like twice a year.  I just don't know how she'll see it.

Thankyou for your thoughts and for letting me vent. 

[Brianna]

Look at it this way, Wanthelp.

93.9 percent of violent crimes are commited by men. You are far less likely to get hurt, injured or murdered than I am when I tell a boyfriend that I am a transsexual.

But joking aside, just do something nice for her. Cook her dinner, giver her a massage, and when you tell her try to listen more than you talk. The truth is, her reaction is unpredictable. It's not something you can control.

Good luck!

Bri

[Reana]

I've had considerble experience in this area, mostly successful.  The results ranged from total acceptance, and even participation, to reserved tolerance and/or effort on the GFs part to try and ignore the whole thing.  The most important thing, based on my experience, is to "wade" into this topic very gently.  The one time I shared my dressing desires with no earlier foundation being laid was disastorous.  Things worked out eventually but I will not do this again.  The key to any possibility of things working out in a positive manner is the GF having deep feelings for her partner and the ability for her to realize that we are the same person they knew before the revelation.     

[WantHelp]

Thankyou all for the advice and the motivation to come out.

I told my girlfriend about a month ago...it went somewhat well.  I should say it started out very badly, and then ended with her feeling ok and confident that i'm still the same person she fell in love with.

Although we havent brought it up since, she told me she would be ok with me helping her clothes shop, pluck eyebrows, and paint my toes (as long as i didnt show her).  We agreed to start small and see what happens.

But now a month later, we are doing fantastic.  We are moving in together in a month and we're engaged!  I can't complain.  That's for sure.

Thanks again!