Can this really just stop?

[wife4ever]

In 2010, I was mildly active in this forum because my husband was seriously considering transitioning. About a decade ago, he confided in me that he was a cross-dresser and for the last ten years slowly dressed more and more. He incorporated women's clothes into his male wardrobe, always wore women's panties under his clothes, began going to support groups, began actively participating in the TG community and made a long term plan for transition.

Then...he stopped. The panties disappeared and now he wears men's Hanes, all of the women's clothes have slowly migrated out of the closet to where, I don't know. He stopped going to the support groups, stopped seeing the therapist and now says that it's over. He claims that the TG issue came to a head and he needed the year to explore whether or not he was really going to make that his life and he chose no.

During the decade that this was a huge part of my life, I did a ton of reading, research and talking to therapists myself. I never confided in a friend or family member because of my respect to his privacy, but found places like Susan's to ask questions when I really needed to and ask most my questions of him, because as I see it, he can provide the best answers. All of this reading, research and therapy tells me that this phase we are in now isn't true, isn't viable. I don't understand why he has turned his back on his TG and is trying so hard to pretend like it isn't there. That doesn't mean that I exactly want the complication that it brings to life, but I know it is a part of him and I am afraid of what the abrupt change means. It can't be healthy for him, for us, or for our marriage.

I know that he isn't happy with how I dealt with his exploration, and he isn't happy with me in many other ways, too. We have two teenage girls together and my fear is that he is just pushing the TG out until the girls leave and he can leave me. I tried so hard to understand, be accepting, be supportive, do makeup, go shopping, talk about what transition would mean to us, to our future, to our families, to our friends.

I don't know that I have an exact question, or what type of advice anyone can give, but I'd really like to know if any of you have thoughts about our situation and what it is that I should do to make sure that my husband isn't living a lie. Just a few more thoughts before you start making suggestions: --I do have these same types of conversations with him, and I don't get much response beyond, "I tried it and it's not going to work. You can't handle
it, and nobody else wants it either."
--I know that some of you are wondering about my use of pronouns, but he never wanted me to change the name I called him or how I referred to him because he was hiding to everyone but me. I did find a compromise by calling him by the first letter of his name as it was the same for both his female and male name, just to show that I was trying to change my ways along with him.
--He seems to think this should be my dream come true, because I don't have to think about TG issues any more. I have just as many worries, anxieties and fears about this new situation as I did about the last.

Thanks for any thoughts you send my way. I love my husband dearly and I don't know how to move forward in a way that is healthy for both of us. I'd really like to.

wife4ever

[Melody Maia]

I don't know the specifics of your situation, but it sounds like denial. He basically said that he is not transitioning because of other people. He didn't say that he didn't have these feelings. That would make me wary too. He may feel he can push these thoughts aside, but they could crop up again in the future. Who knows. I hope he is seeing a therapist.

[MeghanAndrews]

Hi Wife4ever,
First, your story really breaks my heart. I hear a wife, a woman who really loves her husband and hurts because she feels like he's lying to himself. I remember in my second marriage, my ex knew everything about my gender issues and she asked me once "do you think you'll ever transition?" and I told her I had everything I ever wanted, why would I want to transition? I was making great money, I loved her because she was my best friend and I couldn't imagine life without her, we had a great house in a great area with great friends, etc. Basically, from the outside it was perfect.

She asked me after we were dating for two years how if I had gender issues I never wore girl clothes or anything. I explained to her that I've had those issues since I was little and they are always RIGHT there on the front of my mind but that I didn't need to wear clothes to feel like a girl. I felt like I WAS a girl inside and clothes, my appearance, etc. didn't really change how I felt. I would see myself in girl clothes and want to throw up all over the place. It disgusted me. I was repulsed. This was NOT the picture of the girl me that I felt like inside and always had.

I vowed that I would never transition unless the physical me, the transitioned me, was one that would be seen and accepted in society as a woman, not a man, not anything different than a woman. As long as I felt like that wasn't possible, I wasn't going to transition. The trade off simply wasn't enough. I had a great life, I knew who I was inside. I didn't need to wear girl clothes to change that. Then I realized one day that I wasn't living an authentic life, that I wasn't even considering or giving true happiness a chance. I felt like I owed it to myself to at least TRY super, super hard to transition. The thing with me, and maybe, just maybe, this is where your husband is coming from, is if transition is going to yield more unhappiness than non-transition, why do it? Why set yourself up for that kind of miserable life.

Now please, please understand, this is ABSOLUTELY 100% my own idea. It doesn't apply to why and how so many other people transition. I am not bringing this up to somehow "lessen" or whatever the experience ANYONE has. I don't even look at transition the same way now that I am pretty much transitioned. I understand through knowing so many trans people that that scale of transition, do I transition, do I not transition, is different for everyone. Maybe he's afraid of letting you and your daughters down? Even if you do all the reassuring in the world, he probably doesn't want to hurt you, it sounds like from the way you described your relationship. Maybe he doesn't feel like he'll pass and that's really important to him? Maybe he's having self-doubts about being "trans" at all. If he was crossdressing all those years maybe he feels like that's where he would be happiest.

I think you are doing everything you can. What more could someone ask of a spouse? Seriously. You did research and you said you would love him no matter would and would support and encourage him. I'm sure some others in here could speak up about their thoughts about how they wish they would have that in their life! You are super awesome just for being you. Don't beat yourself up about it, k? You are keeping open lines of communication, what more can you do, you know? I think it's wonderful that you are like that Meghan

[cynthialee]

You spouse has purged.
It is a common reaction when one of us feels like we can't do it or that we think we have whooped GID.

It never worked for me in the long run. I would always start acumulating female posetions again. It is a cycle that some of us are able to break and others are caught up in for life. Binge and purge.

I hope that everything turns out well. But for now I would not bring it up with your spouse. Let him/her stew on it for awhile. Just be there and be supportive as you can.

[Randi]

Yes it does sound like s[he] is in denial and purging-trying to be a man and not have to face the hardships that will be part of transition. I commend you for having an open mind and for sharing this depth of love for your husband. S[he] is struggling (my opinion) so just keep showing the love and support that you have been giving. Like I've said before-where there is love there is hope!

Randi

[Renate]

I think people have varying levels of motivation to transition.
I believe that during one's lifetime this level might wax and wane.
No, I'm not trying to invalidate anyone.

There might be some that are so non-passable that they'd have to wear a T-shirt that said,
"Yes, I really am a woman", they don't ever expect to be in a personal relationship ever again
and yet they consider transition to be the best bargain ever.

Others might reconsider transition because they could never be a stunning beauty with men falling at their feet.

In the end, everybody looks at transition with a cold, sober eye and makes their own decision.
I know some who have looked at transition and decided that it was not for them even before the first step.

As far as the original question goes, I have no idea.
It could be that they have backed away from the abyss permanently.
It could be that they are in for a future tempest of uncertainty.

[Francis Ann Burgett]

Nothing is just black & white. We are all so different. Why not treat him as a 100% man again & just see what happens. Your & his family are important to him & yourself. If he says it's over try & accept what he says. 

[Cindy]

Thank you for being a wonderful wife.

The horror never goes, but people deal with it differently. Rejection (purging) is common. But so is the desire to be 'normal' for the sake of anyone in the picture. It is far easier to live a life of total misery that it is to break a loved ones heart. Wearing a mask can hide the tears.

I cannot comment on how your situation will pan out.

The one thing that separates animals and humans is speech. Talk to him/her if they cannot bring their emotion and brain together try and talk through it. He loves you. You love 'him'. Sounds a pretty good place to start from.

Can it work?

Next Sunday is our 29th wedding anniversary. It can work. Just needs love.

Hugs

Cindy

[Miniar]

Transition is a terrifying process, sometimes, we're just not ready yet.
So many of us have lost _everything_ by revealing to the people around us that we are not the "normal" person everyone assumed we were.

Tell your love you'll support them and love them as the person they are, regardless of what that person comes packaged in.
Because that's clearly what you, at the very least, really want to do.
Tell them that what you want from them, more than anything, is for them to be happy, whatever that means.
As that's clearly something you truly want, which tells me you really love them.

(I am using singular They, because, I don't know how they truly identify or what they really want and it just, doesn't seem right to assume either way.)

You're the sort of spouse we all dream about having.
I have one, he's awesome, I hope your love appreciates you.

[Jennie]

I think your screen name (Wife4Ever) says it all, your actions show youare a good wife that is thinking about and showing love for your spouce.
I agree, the purging and his actions are almost text book, I have done the same thing atleast 6 times or more but soon it comes to the point that you can not hide it anymore.
I think it is good that you know about your spouces GID and I think that with your help and support your lives together will become better than you both could have imagined.
I am not saying your spouse has to transition, but acceptance is important, then decide how far you 2 want to go.
I have been married for over 25 years and I told my wonderful wife and we both have come to accept the fact that I am a female (at least on the inside) and where I go with my wife on my transition I do not know, I do know she will be with me all the way, she has said so and that is important but I also love her so much that I do not want to just forget about her and her feeling so I talk to her about it and what I want to do and how she feels about it.
Being logical is the best thing, for example, I have only come out to certain people because I know that certain people will not be able to handel it like my Dad, with his heart condition I want to wait until he passes (even if it takes 10 years or more) I love my Dad and my family so that means that I am making a transition at a very slow pace.
I have told a few close relitives and friends, I have had enough therapy from my Dr. to get my letter for HRT and I hope to start that soon (1-6 months) and after that it will be a waiting game for my dad and then off to another place to finish the transition.  I do not want to get the GRS because of a few personal reasons but I do want to start HRT and live as a woman full time.
I hope telling you what I have done will help you and yours to come together and grow to a new lever of Love---Na Hona Ho'opili--- Live live happy.
Aloha from Hawaii.

Jennie