Not Completely Convinced

[Halo]

So awhile back I met this girl, adorable, funny, sweet as can be.  We talked all the time, nonstop, and I really couldn't wait to make her my girlfriend, and be her's too.  I got from the get-go that she wanted to sort of 'lead' the relationship, at least sometimes, and that she wanted to be a dominate person sexually.  But throughout all that nothing struck me as too odd, except the comment "I won't feel dominate enough unless I penetrate"  Which was okay, because I rather understand. 

Other than that she just seemed tomboyish, but in so many ways still kind of girly.

So when she told me she was actually transgendered, and a male, I didn't know how to respond.  I asked, "Why did you not tell me when you asked if I liked boys, and I said not really?"  She responded, "I didn't really consider myself in that question.

Stuff like that makes me sort of wonder.  I rather think this is more of a response to living in a society where being masculine was REALLY REALLY looked down upon, as was being gay.  I think that she feels if she just becomes a boy, it'll simply be normal and she won't have to deal with that kind of stuff. 

I understand, I'm a girl and I dream all the time that I am a man.  But i don't really want to be one.. so I just wonder if this is what she really needs or is, or if it's just a response to her life. 

I want to be there for her, or him, through this.  I don't know if I can make it work if she wishes, truly wishes, to be a he.  At least relationship-wise.  I will be here as a friend no matter what, that's for sure.  I just wonder what to do or what to say.. or anything really I'm just really confused.

[spacial]

Sounds like: Nice person, great to get along with. The sex isn't what I'm looking for though.

From her point of view, you don't say if she asked for a physical relationship, or if it just came from you. Perhaps she assumed you had a bit more insight than it turned out.

But if you feel so threatened by this woman then perhaps you need to look for someone else.

[Halo]

We went into it "looking for a relationship" and she very well knew she thought I was a girl.  It's what she said she was.  After awhile we grew pretty strong feelings towards eachother and one day she was like.. I have to tell you something.. and boom that was the news.

It was physical. Well hinted at it anyway, since we have yet to actually meet.

I just want to be fully supportive, but in the sense that I fully understand.  Like, if it isn't right, I want to help her realize it and find the correct path for her.

But if it is what she wants, then I shall try my hardest.  I just have a hard time because I have rather traditional views on dating. I date boys differently than I date girls, in fact, I told her I don't even want to date boys.  I REALLY prefer girls.  I couldn't keep a past marriage going because I couldn't get over him being a man. 

And yet.. I can't get this person off my mind.  And I really care about him, and I'm just a little confused.  Okay REALLY confused.  If he goes through hormones and stuff so much will change and I'm trying really hard to look at him as the same person I've known this whole time.

[spacial]

To be honest Halo, it sounds like you're asking for permisssion to be in love.

That goes with the territory.

You met a really nice girl, with an ugly bit, (my own term for that bit). You normally don't have any physical attraction for males. That's perfectly fine. But because this girl has some small part, and beleve me, it is a small part, in every sense, you assume this is a man.

She isn't. She's a woman.

[Halo]

No sorry if I explained it wrong, but it's the other way around.  A girl, which I normally am attracted to, turning into a man.

[spacial]

OK. Thanks for the clarification.

I'm at a bit of a loss here. I don't want to appear to be brushing you off. That is not what I or this place in general, is about.

But I still keep getting the impression that you're asking for permission to be with this person.

If you want to, then do. If not, then don't. If you like most of them but can't accept one bit, then don't. If you want advice on how to deal with someone doing something you don't like, at the risk of sounding offensive, I'm afraid the solution is, for you to grow up. People are what they are. Relationships are about meeting other people and getting to know them. Not altering and remolding people to suit your ideal.

[Halo]

I do not want to mold anyone.  I am quite aware that the best thing to do is not be with them if they are not what I want.  My concern is totally different.  I get the impression that he is not really a he, and that this transgender thing is more of a coping mechanism.  I'm not saying I do not believe people can be transgender, that isn't the case.  It's just in this situation specifically he doesn't seem like a he, to me.  It seems more like.. as a girl she was treated like crap and beat up and stuff like that for being boyish.. and so wants to be a boy because it's "normal".  *If* that is the case, I want to be able to help him realize it and come to terms with it.  If he is right, I also wish to be here for him.  I'm just worried that he's.. wrong.  Does that ever happen?

[spacial]

Thank you for the latest clarifications. I think I'm getting a better picture now.

Can you just try and continue your relationship for now and see how things work out?

[Halo]

Yes.  Any issues relationship-wise are my own issues and I try very hard to look past gender and remember that this person has been an absolute sweetheart to me, which is who they are and not based on gender.  So I will give this a fair try, because I really like him.

I was just wondering if sometimes transgender people.. misdiagnose themselves or whatever the term would be.  If he could be wrong about all this. 

[spacial]

Well of course they do. For so many reasons.

But people are who they are, inside, regardless of what they may call themselves or how they look.

What matters is how you feel about them. But really like to know how things progress.

[Halo]

I just want to be able to have a full understanding of things, and be able to help to the best of my abilities, no matter what the case is.  I wouldn't really like to see him walk down this path and deal with the harder parts of it, only to discover later that it isn't really right.  Especially after taking steps you can't go back on.  It just didn't seem to add up to this, for me, and I very well could be wrong, but I thought maybe so could he.

[spacial]

At the risk of sounding flippant, there is never any going back from anything. Just a perspective though.

The best you or anyone can provide is support and understanding. If they feel, later, they made a mistake, then they will need to deal with that. But the gennie will still be out of the bottle.

Do you see what I mean?

To put it another way. Do you want a life wondering what might have been or a life where you think about what was and is now?

[Halo]

This is sorta a big thing to be wrong about, if that were to be the case.  Just saying.  I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, but they haven't really left me physically changed in a way I can't change back.