so huh practically every topic i post is about me trying to figure out why i'm not taking the big step. And really i've known (or considered) me being transsexual for... i think 7 years, and i've known i'm a girl my entire life (except for those times where it just felt too improbable)
and come on, i've been on HRT for 7 months and see a woman in the mirror! (except when i compare myself to cis-women. *sigh* my female friends are way too pretty).
and look at all the things i could do!
get a haircut (it hasn't been cut ! shape my eyebrows (which i'm getting sick of hearing everyone who knows tell me to do
)! wear make-up (or at least cover all that awful dark around my eyes)! get the facial hair i have removed (okay i started that, but i haven't had the time)! go shopping (*sigh* all my clothes are bought online)! get FFS (My parents mention pretty often that i could get my nose done along with whatever else is needed and they'd pay. My parents don't really want to aknowledge the girl as long as "we still see the boy", so... meh)! Legally change my name and gender (i could and perhaps would this summer if i hadn't been so rushed before leaving for the airport and completely forgetting to pack that really important letter)! get SRS (Apparently i'm close to what is the time required on HRT for insurance in germany to pay for SRS done in germany!)! go fulltime (scary!)! go out en femme at all (scary!)!
aaaaanyway, my topic. being analyzed this time around: my fear of changing something suddenly and how others might react or think.
how do i get over it? I don't even know how it started, but always when i'm thinking about changing something about me that is more visible i shut that idea down almost immediately. I really fear that people notice immediately and then ask about it and i just wouldn't be able to answer truthfully nor craft some fitting lie. But that's not all of course. I did once go through with my wish to change something (getting my ears pierced!
) and one of the most horrible things was to be sure that everyone noticed (well they were covered by hair most of the time) but most didn't say anything. That meant they thought things! And i didn't know what exactly they were thinking! it was killing me! And only one person did ask. I basically just stared at him, stammered "i wanted to" and continued staring while ignoring any further questions. that was terrible!
I just have this finely crafted image where people sorta know what to expect and i know what to expect from people interacting with this me. If i stray from that i go into uncharted territory! I lose control of the situation and no longer know how to act and just freeze. And i really don't want to answer in a hostile way even though that would probably shut up any further questions. Of course if i just came out to everyone there would be no more need to ask me, but there's just so many people and i could lose control of who knows way too easily (there it is again! "loss of control"). If i do something that doesn't fit with my image, i have to change it, which is hard, or just throw it all away and come clean which is even harder (wait, is it? i'm not even sure. changing my cover bit for bit does seem way more complicated and tiring actually)
and worst of all, if my family (apart from my parents and brother, which honestly i still don't trust enough anyway), specially if my grandparents find out, and i have to explain it to them... holy carp. at least after these holidays i have another 5 months until they see me again. a lot can change in 5 months.
why does this have to be so complicated? or better question, why do i have to make it so complicated for myself?
edit: oh wow so much text again. i think i think too much
