stealth

[Sauce]

I am pre everything atm but I most definately want to be stealth. Like almost everyone else, my family and partners will be the only ones knowing I am FTM. Family because they will be involved in my life while transitioning and partners.. well thats pretty obvious why. But as for everyone else I want to be identified as male and nothing but. My family, close friends, and partners will know I am a trans man, but I would like future friends to not know I am unless it really bothers me that I need to tell them, but at this point I don't think it will.



                                                                                                                        -Chase

[Squirrel698]

You know this is actually a really difficult question for me.  A few months ago the answer would have been obvious but now I'm starting to wonder. 

At this point I am stealth and if it all went my way, I would always stay stealth.  My reasons are the same as many that have been listed here.  People don't understand or need to know about my medical history.  I'm not politically inclined and have no wish to be an advocate for the trans community.  These are common reasons many people site.

I can relate to what Arch is saying.  I always transitioned later than most of the guys on here.  There was a whole life in which there was good, such as my children being born and marrying my partner.  However I know I was miserable and never felt quite right.  My partner and I have a mutual love for photography so there are quite a few pictures around our house.  Up until a week ago there were pictures around of me still in female mode even after I've been transitioning for 18 months +.  Last weekend I took them all down and replaced them with recent shots.  My partner became very depressed all last week.  He said it was like I was erasing the past.   

So I told him that erasing the past wasn't possible.  That they were my pictures and it was my choice if they were up or not.  Then he questioned if I was really being genuine with myself and with others.  I have been making acquaintances, moving towards friendships and I am enjoying my relationship with these new people.  It was my partner's point that if I really wanted to be friends with these people I needed to be honest with them.  That I couldn't be true with someone else while hiding such a big part of my past.

You know sometimes I think he might have a point.  At times when I'm out with people it feels like there is a barrier between us that I can't quite cross.  Perhaps transitioning so late in life made me more set in my ways.  So changing from female socialization to male socialization  is harder for me.  Fact is I'm not quite like every other guy.  I don't have all of the hidden and unspoken male idiosyncrasies down.  It does set me apart and they can sense it.  They don't quite know what it is but it's there.  I do know but trying to overcompensate will only make it worse so I just keep solidering on.  Is that going to be enough for me to develop a strong friendship with another guy?

Not only that, there is a big part of me that wants everyone to know.  I went through this amazing life change and took incredible risks and I want credit for it.  I get tried of everyone seeing me as a young kid.  One who hasn't lived long enough to have any life experience. 

Still what holds me back is the fact that being taken at face value is just fantastic.  It's exactly how I want to be seen.  My thing is I want to be seen as male and still be open about who I am.  The sad fact that isn't possible right now I don't think.  Or perhaps it is and I should just take the chance.  I just really don't know.     

[Ryno]

Most of the time I'm full-time male. In the city I currently live in, I'm pretty sure I've never presented female. In my hometown, when I'd go back to visit, I'd usually try to present as a fairly androgynous-looking butch lesbian, just to make my dad a little more comfortable and to keep my girlfriend's mom from figuring things out. And sometimes I'd do it just to ->-bleeped-<- around with society, keep people guessing, mix up every major gender stereotype into one little body.

Going stealth does come with some concerns for me, I do sometimes feel like I'm not "man enough" and end up coming off as a wussy little pissant. I'm really anticipating testosterone, I know even if it takes a long time to see results that taking those shots will make me feel a lot better. Right now I feel like I'm just floating in limbo.

Anyway, back on topic, yes, I am stealth at work and in public and with people I mean now. Obviously my old friends and family know, but they're the only ones.

I don't think I ever will publicly stand up for trans rights. I'll definitely be there supporting the fight and if acquaintances like neighbours and coworkers ask, I'd probably tell them I'm a supporter. Simply because I do not like direct confrontation. It may be cowardly and but my intention is to see social change, not force an individual to see life my way.

[Annah]

Who here is? There are some people that seem to think of it as not being proud of who you are. My therapist that I used to have said that being stealth was like denying part of myself and I should be proud of who I am.  My responce was that I was not transitioning so that I could be a trans man, I was transitioning to be a man.  That no one else needed to know my history, only doctors and partners.

I am slealth at my new job and I love it, get called sir, him, he the whole thing, and its just so cool to know that no one knows my history, that everyone at work just thinks of me as a man, with no exceptions and no stories behind it.  Not a man who used to be a girl, just a guy and its awesome.

for those who do pass, do you choose to live stealth? Why? why not? do you find it difficult?

Thats really sad your therapist told you that being stealth was denying a part of you. I have to disagree with that.

[JohnAlex]

You know this is actually a really difficult question for me.  A few months ago the answer would have been obvious but now I'm starting to wonder. 

At this point I am stealth and if it all went my way, I would always stay stealth.  My reasons are the same as many that have been listed here.  People don't understand or need to know about my medical history.  I'm not politically inclined and have no wish to be an advocate for the trans community.  These are common reasons many people site.

I can relate to what Arch is saying.  I always transitioned later than most of the guys on here.  There was a whole life in which there was good, such as my children being born and marrying my partner.  However I know I was miserable and never felt quite right.  My partner and I have a mutual love for photography so there are quite a few pictures around our house.  Up until a week ago there were pictures around of me still in female mode even after I've been transitioning for 18 months +.  Last weekend I took them all down and replaced them with recent shots.  My partner became very depressed all last week.  He said it was like I was erasing the past.   

So I told him that erasing the past wasn't possible.  That they were my pictures and it was my choice if they were up or not.  Then he questioned if I was really being genuine with myself and with others.  I have been making acquaintances, moving towards friendships and I am enjoying my relationship with these new people.  It was my partner's point that if I really wanted to be friends with these people I needed to be honest with them.  That I couldn't be true with someone else while hiding such a big part of my past.

You know sometimes I think he might have a point.  At times when I'm out with people it feels like there is a barrier between us that I can't quite cross.  Perhaps transitioning so late in life made me more set in my ways.  So changing from female socialization to male socialization  is harder for me.  Fact is I'm not quite like every other guy.  I don't have all of the hidden and unspoken male idiosyncrasies down.  It does set me apart and they can sense it.  They don't quite know what it is but it's there.  I do know but trying to overcompensate will only make it worse so I just keep solidering on.  Is that going to be enough for me to develop a strong friendship with another guy?

Not only that, there is a big part of me that wants everyone to know.  I went through this amazing life change and took incredible risks and I want credit for it.  I get tried of everyone seeing me as a young kid.  One who hasn't lived long enough to have any life experience. 

Still what holds me back is the fact that being taken at face value is just fantastic.  It's exactly how I want to be seen.  My thing is I want to be seen as male and still be open about who I am.  The sad fact that isn't possible right now I don't think.  Or perhaps it is and I should just take the chance.  I just really don't know.

Even though I don't pass very well currently, I still know what you mean.  And hopefully perhaps someday we can be both.  someday when being transgender is just as normal as being Asian, to society.

[Arch]

Then he questioned if I was really being genuine with myself and with others.  I have been making acquaintances, moving towards friendships and I am enjoying my relationship with these new people.  It was my partner's point that if I really wanted to be friends with these people I needed to be honest with them.  That I couldn't be true with someone else while hiding such a big part of my past.

I don't want to trash your partner, but the first and last lines read so much like a cis perspective.

My whole previous life was not genuine. I mean, I did the best I could for a long time, but I was hiding who I really was. Now I'm much happier with my self. Why would I want to dwell on a past that I find repugnant in so many respects? I'm finally living my life as ME. Why should I let my past define me in a way that will cause many people to get in my face because they think I'm not authentic now--when, in fact, I'm more authentic than I've ever been in my entire life?

I do struggle with the "am I being dishonest" question, but frankly, I bristle when someone else says or implies that my stealth life is not honest or that I am a liar for not going around and telling people that I used to live as a woman. That was never me. My imaginary lives, in which I was anatomically a typical male, were at least as real to me as that long, long nightmare of living as a girl. And I'm finding now that, in my mind, I have started to insert my current me into the past. When I remember my past, I'm starting to see a picture of myself as I am now, only younger. Doesn't happen all the time. Doesn't happen when I'm thinking about how unhappy I was to be living as a woman. But it happens--because I was always that person underneath the surface.

It's been argued that those who are stealth lie by omission. The thing is, this definition sets up the possibility that absolutely all people, trans and cis alike, are horrible liars because they don't fully disclose every aspect of their lives that someone else might consider important. But in my personal life, I get to decide what is important for other people to know. The fact that other people think it's so important means that they just don't get it and maybe never will. Who the hell are they to tell me what details of my life I am obligated to share with them?

Haha, I guess they can't tell me if they don't already know.

[Da Monkey]

I think most tend to think that if people who are trans go in to stealth then it's the same as people who are homosexual that live in denial when it's not the same.

[sneakersjay]

Pulling this out of your post, Squirrel.  Not specific to your partner, as I have heard the same thing from other people in trans communities as well.

It was my partner's point that if I really wanted to be friends with these people I needed to be honest with them.  That I couldn't be true with someone else while hiding such a big part of my past.

I think this is bogus BS, personally.

It is true if you are entering a serious romantic relationship with someone.  Otherwise it is none of their damn business.

Do all people run around and tell everyone they meet that they a) have a small penis? b) are an alcoholic? c) have HIV? d) have jock itch? e) have had their stomach stapled? f) had a birthmark removed?  g) had hair implants? h) have had a boob job? i) have been divorced 3x?

Pretty much no, unless they are dealing with medical personnel or intimate partners.  I don't get why non-trans people feel we are liars/are dishonest if we don't disclose to everyone we meet.  Just plain ticks me off.


Jay, off my soapbox....  (and who also transitioned later in life, much later than you, even)

[sneakersjay]

I don't want to trash your partner, but the first and last lines read so much like a cis perspective.

My whole previous life was not genuine. I mean, I did the best I could for a long time, but I was hiding who I really was. Now I'm much happier with my self. Why would I want to dwell on a past that I find repugnant in so many respects? I'm finally living my life as ME. Why should I let my past define me in a way that will cause many people to get in my face because they think I'm not authentic now--when, in fact, I'm more authentic than I've ever been in my entire life?

I do struggle with the "am I being dishonest" question, but frankly, I bristle when someone else says or implies that my stealth life is not honest or that I am a liar for not going around and telling people that I used to live as a woman. That was never me. My imaginary lives, in which I was anatomically a typical male, were at least as real to me as that long, long nightmare of living as a girl. And I'm finding now that, in my mind, I have started to insert my current me into the past. When I remember my past, I'm starting to see a picture of myself as I am now, only younger. Doesn't happen all the time. Doesn't happen when I'm thinking about how unhappy I was to be living as a woman. But it happens--because I was always that person underneath the surface.

It's been argued that those who are stealth lie by omission. The thing is, this definition sets up the possibility that absolutely all people, trans and cis alike, are horrible liars because they don't fully disclose every aspect of their lives that someone else might consider important. But in my personal life, I get to decide what is important for other people to know. The fact that other people think it's so important means that they just don't get it and maybe never will. Who the hell are they to tell me what details of my life I am obligated to share with them?

Haha, I guess they can't tell me if they don't already know.

I posted before reading the other replies.

I agree with Arch, 1000%.

I was never a woman, no matter what I looked like or what people thought I was.  That whole life was a huge lie.

Jay

[Al James]

The idea of being stealth is absolutely wonderful to me but i cant see it happening for many years. I'm transitioning on the job and although most people are great they still feel they have to explain to others who dont know. Also i have a family member that not only says she cant get used to it but goes to great lengths to ' correct' anyone who refers to me as male. I'm seriously getting to the stage where as soon as i can afford it i'll be moving to where no body knows me

[N.Chaos]

Ha - I've tripped out my bank people before. I actually went and got a new pic taken on my driver's license just to look more like me because the other one was way old and I had really short hair and looked like a total dork and that added even more to the double takes. So now it's just the name usually. Yesterday I was at the DMV and the guy looked at the form - which of course had my legal name on it - and asked, "And this is you?" kinda confused. I just said yeah and he didn't ask to see my ID (was just renewing plate reg).

I really should have changed my name somewhere along the line but it's not like I don't like my legal name either. If I'm out by myself or with the few people who do know and we're at a restaurant or something I usually use my nickname though.

Lol...those little awkward moments where you're not sure if you should be happy because you're passing, or pissed because you're outed. That's how I feel, at least.

I've thought about getting a new ID picture, but I barely look like a girl in my old one. I'm wearing eyeliner, my hair is a mess, and honestly I look like a pissed off, hung over guy in drag. Certainly not my most flattering picture, but I think it's funny. I just need to get that goddamn name erased.
I'm pissed that I have to sign it on this contract, and I'm paranoid as hell that the publisher (in spite of me making sure he knew, twice) is going to put THAT name instead of MY name. Gr.

[bojangles]

Why would I want to dwell on a past that I find repugnant in so many respects? I'm finally living my life as ME. Why should I let my past define me in a way that will cause many people to get in my face because they think I'm not authentic now--when, in fact, I'm more authentic than I've ever been in my entire life?

Totally.
And a lot of people will never be able to comprehend this at all. As soon as you tell them, they will want to see a picture of you as a girl. Just human nature, I guess.

Not sure if total stealth will be possible for me, since it's difficult to escape having history with all but complete strangers. But I would if I could. I don't feel this prevents us from being useful to our community at all. Some of the stealthiest people on this forum have been very helpful to me, and I hope to be doing the same in return.

[Noah G.]

I have absolutely every intention of being as stealth as possible as I progress through transition -- in fact, I've arranged to attend classes this coming semester as Noah, and I'm intending to start my next job (when I find one) as Noah as well, so I'm already working on this.

I'm another guy for whom it has absolutely nothing to do with any idea of cowardice or shame or whathaveyou. I also don't care about what people would say, really, or what they think per se because I honestly don't care what trash people might talk about me.

The fact is, I have always simply identified as male -- not trans, but male. That's how I want to be seen, and am actually very much uncomfortable when the fact that I'm trans plays too much in a situation or relationship with someone I am on good terms with (if I'm not on good terms or they're more of an acquaintance then I don't care, but on good terms it negatively affects the relationship). I'm also a very, very private person. Even my closest friends don't know a lot of things about me, and very few people even know that I'm bi. I'm just not a very open person about much of anything, and honestly I don't see how me being technically trans is something that anyone needs to know unless I knew them from before transition and they want to keep in contact or if I'm going to be in a relationship with them. Or they're my doctor.

So family and people from my pre-transition life, as well as partners, will know and that's all besides doctors.

This doesn't mean that I don't intend to educate about trans issues or support trans rights when the opportunity presents itself. I've said before and I will say it again that I don't see being stealth and standing up for the trans community to be mutually exclusive endeavors. People don't need to know why I support this (though that, really, is an easy thing to answer: because it should be supported), and they don't need to know the details of how I know what I know about trans issues (can always use the "I know someone" excuse), and I really don't see why I need to tell them my own personal history to justify supporting or knowing about trans issues. Plenty of cis people do as well, after all.

I also intend to help out other trans people when the opportunity presents itself and I feel I can be of some use, even stealth. I suppose then I would no longer be stealth in that situation, but I don't mind as much if helping out a fellow trans individual. So long as they understand that I am stealth.

Personally, I think there are a vast number of things about me that are more telling than the fact that I am trans, and still very few people know about those things. I see no reason that they ought to know anything about them unless I feel like telling them. Anyone who has a problem with that, personally I have no problem with them taking their own issues and leaving me alone. I don't need them in my life. I present myself as no one else but myself, I don't put on an act and I never have, and if that's not good enough for some people then so be it, but I'm not going to change to appease other people. That is not who I am, and anyone who would argue clearly doesn't know me very well.

[Crypt77]

I'm stealth. Like most have said already the only people I am open to is those whom have known me in the past and those who find out through either me telling them or having heard from someone else.

At work (I'm currently a manager at McDonald's), because I was pre-T when they first hired me, there's a lot of people who know. However a lot of people don't know either because they are new. The only time someone at work who didn't knew found out was when it slipped between conversations with coworkers. For the most part though, no one knows and if they did, they're extremely respectful about it. For the most part though, I try to be stealth as much as possible.

Outside of that, at school and within my community I am stealth.

I understand the whole idea of "being proud to be trans - that's who you are" type idea and I have had issues with it in the past. I am simply not one of those people who will deny a part of my past and who I am/was...however I am not going to parade around and let the whole world know of what/who I am. If there is ever a time I feel like the story of my past is necessary to tell others, I do. I have given several talks/speeches  about my journey of transitioning for some of my professors in college and to some of the LGBTQ groups here in my community. But I'd prefer to go stealth. The whole point of my transitioning is to feel more like who I have always felt like I am. Male.

It's not anyone's business of to what's underneath my pants.

[insanitylives]

OK it's been a loooooong time since i was on here (and on youtube >.<)
ELIJAH YOU LOOK F***ING AMAZING MAN.
I'm jealous. So jealous.

I'm still in high school and closeted to parents, so stealth is kinda impossible.

With PA birth certificat stuff, I can't. But as for telling everyone, no.
The people who *have* to, yes but im not gonna disclose easily.

[Elijah3291]

OK it's been a loooooong time since i was on here (and on youtube >.<)
ELIJAH YOU LOOK F***ING AMAZING MAN.

thanks!