OFFICIALLY CONFUSED

[jillian]

  Ive always struggled with my gender identity. Up until now, I've never allowed really anyone to know. The battle, however, has raged inside my thoughts.

I just got done meeting with our companies project managers. They had nothing but amazing things to say about me. They gave me my own service van, ordered me business cards, and I walked away with a job that pays 46/hr plus benefits.

The bad part in all this, well at least the part that I am now confused about, is me being trans. They have no idea, well at least I think anyways, and they are entrusting me with a major client that builds medical grade equipment and radioactive lasers. I know for a fact that my skills are at such an aptitude that anything inside that building I can fix. If an electron flows within it, I can service, repair and maintain it. However, my fear is that me being trans will change their perspective of me on a professional level.

Yah yah yah, it shouldnt matter, but in this rreal world, it does. Yes we are struggling so that it doesnt, but right now it does. I dont want to let anyone down, and it seems as though Ive let everyone down from my family to my friends. The only person who seems to love me unconditionally is Karin my wife.

Today I am in the mood to give up on my transition. I am 3 months in to hrt, and every day has been amazing. I am just 100% scared of rejection. I am 100% scared of being trans in a professional setting. Money isn't everything, and a week ago we were ready to move out of state.  I am confused....

I honestly dont think I will stop, as inside I can feel the pain of not transitioning, however the torment I feel inside is more real and prevalent than it has ever been.

[Janet_Girl]

first check the policies of your company.  Are there policies in place that cover sexuality and gender diversity?  Do the personnel there seem open to different people?  You can overhear the jokes and comments.

Then look into the company you will be serving.  Do they also have policies regarding diversity?  How do the personnel seem to react to different people? 

Then place your bets and take your chances.  If the policies and people are open to gender identity then you will have a better chance.  Otherwise, everything goes on hold and you wind up 54 years old and just starting over, without that which you thought was more important.

[regan]

At the very least wait until your probationary period is over as a new employee.  Until then, they can fire you for any reason at any time, regardless of what diversity policies are in place.

As for the rest of it, the more specialized you are the better.  If you're one of a few people that can do your job, they're more likely to keep you around, despite any personal bias they may have.  The only caveat to that is don't jeopardize their customer base, it may mean that both sides (you and your employer) agree to move you to another account.  They may do this without consulting you anyways.  You may also want to investigate the policies of the client you're assigned to and bring this to your employers attention - that their client's own policies support your transition.

At the end of the day if you plan for the worst - that you'll be out of a job, then you won't be disappointed no matter what happens.

[Rabbit]

If I were you, I would continue to transition... but maintain the "male side" as long as possible (and try to not let transitioning things affect the work life... which can sometimes be hard on moody days or if you have a bad reaction to laser hair removal).

Growing hair out can be explained (and if presented in a clean way, shouldn't cause a problem)....along with a lot of other effects. Chest growth shouldn't be an issue (even when you have visible breasts, you can just say "yea? so?"... there are actually a lot of guys with smaller breasts who just laugh it off).

Basically, as long as you don't let transition cause an issue at work and don't make others uncomfortable...you should be ok. I would also slowly start making closer friends and let them know (having a support base at work seems like a good idea, people who know and are ok with it and can help cover / defend you in difficult sittuations).

After a year or so, when you want to go more full-time (and after you have a stronger relationship with the company / management / other workers)..you could start addressing the issue of "making the switch".

[grrl1nside]

I'm with everyone else. Definitely have a look at the company policies because they could prove very useful when it comes time to transition fully on the job. If it is a large company then paying attention to who you are going to approach in the hr department can be super-handy. Some very large companies actually have positions within HR where someone may be specifically responsible for discrimination or rights issues. They could be a handy resource when you are ready to take that next step.

Otherwise, I'm with Rabbit. There is a heck of a lot you can do to move toward transition but not fully crossing into a full transition in the workplace yet. Early on, I started answering questions in a way that made everybody go "huh, does he really think that?" e.g. someone asked in the coffee room would you rather do (a) go shopping all day for wood for renos or (b) buy shoes for your significant other. They went around the room and finally at me they knew that I would say wood because that was their expectation. I said, not only would I prefer to buy shoes that I would rather go and buy them for my entire neighbourhood then have anything to do with wood and tools... Then I went back to my traditional staid self...

Now, I've started wearing increasingly effeminate clothing that is designed for men. I don't wear it all the time, but it is slowly increasing. I also wore things that didn't shout anything but began discussions around clothing. E.g. I went from really boring clothes to one day wearing bright pink socks and everyone noticed. All of the sudden all of the women starting trotting out all sorts of more colourful clothing. I figure if I can make the step from mens to womens clothing a smaller one over a longer period of time, add some hair length, then when I finally go that last step it isn't going to be such a surprise. I don't know, maybe I have false hopes, but I'm also pretty good at reading people.

I'm wishing you good luck.