Hi. I'm sorry about what happened between you and your spouse. That must have been very difficult for both of you.
I met Erin about 16 months ago. We have gone back and forth a few times. Mostly because Erin has some fear of relationships. This last run with us was six months or so. This time was pretty special for both of us. We were very close, closer than ever before.
No, we never saw a therapist together. Erin hasn't started that yet, although she has been looking into it. I know that much.
I've tried talking to her. I've tried showing her how I've changed my feelings about her gender, apologizing for the letter, explaining my initial reaction to finding out the truth after so long. I've done everything I can think of to get her to understand why I did what I did. She doesn't want to hear it. She says she can't trust that I won't react that way again. She doesn't understand why I waited until after the break up to make changes. (ex. joining Susan's, joining a trans/gender support group) I guess it was the shock of losing her that made me wake up. She said that it was insulting that I waited until after the fact to do the things I should have done before.
She's upset that I was acting insecure after she told me the truth. Yeah, I was. I did want to hear her tell me she loved me more often. I felt scared that I was going to lose her. I was in the process of trying to swallow all this new information, and I needed her to reassure me. I never need that before I found out, but the fact that I needed it after makes her angry I guess.
She said I don't know how to just be her friend without trying to get her back. I've always been her friend. I was that first before we become lovers. Now all of a sudden, this person who told me she wanted to spend her life with me, this person who said she loved me with every fiber of her being, this person who told me she loved me all the time, doesn't want anything from me but for me to be her friend. Or at least that's what she's saying.
She says she wants a friend closer than any other to help her regain her trust and to work on things together. I already was all those things. The only difference is that we were in a relationship. I sent her a message telling her that I would love to be that person for her, to give her support and step back a bit and work on regaining our trust. I only asked her in return if she would go to the transgender support meetings with me because I thought it would help her since she really doesn't have any support. I also asked her if I could come over and spend time with her one day a week. I told her that I can't really be there to help her and support her if we don't see each other. I get no response, at least not yet.
What I feel is that she just wants me gone. She seems like all the love she felt for me is not there anymore, and that she just wants a buddy. I don't know what she's feeling really. I've tried getting her to open up, but all I get is the blame for everything. I don't know about anybody else out there but for me....just being a good pal with someone that your totally in love with is like torture in the worst way. I don't mind stepping back and working on showing her she can trust me and showing her how I accept her being a girl...I'm totally fine with that, but to feel like I mean nothing to her anymore other than that hurts like hell. That's just my feelings.
I do hope she comes back to me, but all I see in her now is anger and a need to push me away. I asked her if she loved me. She replied, "Yes I do or I wouldn't want you to stay my friend." That hurts.
