With all the progress I have made, there is still one component of the whole gender issues that has still been giving me trouble...and that is the physical changes.
I think I am in a psychological gridlock that has been going on for a few years, and it mainly focuses on the most significant area of discomfort on my body: my chest. As it is right now, despite self-medding for a bit two years ago, I asked a friend and she said I was flat as a board right now. Normally I am severely uncomfortable with that part of my body as it is right now. When I was severely doubting myself I thought it was I was starting to develop and was subsequently uncomfortable and that it wasn't real. But it may have been me misinterpreting my feelings on what my body is telling me. When I dress up as a girl with breastforms and a bra, it takes away those feelings, but also it feels odd cause I'm not used to having anything there. The longer I am dressed, the harder it is when I go back to guy's clothes, and my chest discomfort (not actual pain) hits me again.
Normally living as a guy, I'm rather quite miserable, it's just like I'm living a constant cycle of the same crap every day, and just do not feel even alive. I noticed whenever I dress up while it feels a little odd, it also makes me a little bit less depressed too. Like I can focus better on doing things. I know too that this is very serious cause I've been having gender dysphoria off and on for a while, including the camping trip I was out to recently. (it was very bad there, people wanting me to go swimming and I was NOT comfortable under any circumstances going shirtless, I would've been presenting in a way that was not me. also other things happened that made dysphoria worse) When my counselor stopped me for now with the letter for HRT, all it did was severely depress me for a week, and I realized there was a good reason why I was depressed, that it was because I was so close to getting this handled.
When I think about change, I get scared. I understand that it is normal, and fear of the unknown is also normal. It's part of survival instincts I think. But the one thing I want to get past is this: why am I scared about breast growth? I mean really, it is driving me insane. I want to identify this, cause if I can identify why, and address it things will be WAY easier for me to handle. My counselor has been really good at helping me identify anxieties and fears lately, and in such a way as I can see them and realize they have actually no control over me when I become aware of them. I want to do that with this as well. I think it be normal to be scared of puberty; after all I've talked to GGs and some of them were indeed scared too when it started, so in that way it can be normal. (which further can help me to think that as they are, I will grow into the changes on my own too, and to take the scary first step) But also I am worried by bringing it up all it will do is further delay things...>.<; So I'm in a bit of a situation here.
My family genetics has another component in this. I think an ideal size for me would be a B cup cause I wouldn't want to be huge there...but with genetics I am in a predisposition for easily a C or D cup, and this is backed up on both my mother's and father's side of the family. However I am aware too that I may not reach that cause I don't eat as much either as my nearest female relatives, and my stomach's sensitivity is pretty much a self-limiting mechanism for how much I eat. (which I am grateful for) It's hard to say, cause I don't want to appear huge at all, and I'm more interested in appearing proportionally well, and B or C will be about the right size for my frame. (5'8", 150 lb right now)
So, how can I handle all this mess inside my head? I have been having a VERY depressed past few days, and it's times like these that make me feel more like I will be uncomfortable with change, while at other times I want it really really bad. I am tired of this, and want to address is so I can move on with my life. Additionally, I think too that something I am discovering is I am somewhat genderqueer, but happen to be transitioning too. (cause I do not like anything male pronouns, or any form of identifying with that gender AT ALL)
