I don't think I'll ever be happy... I'm so sad.

[Wild Flower]

   I cannot stand being a guy any longer, since I want to be a woman more than anything else.  I envy a lot of women I see, and I want to be one of them since they are so feminine. I do not want to be an ugly woman who looks like a guy either, but I don't think I can be passable. I have a boyfriend, but he doesn't make me feel feminine. He sees me as a guy... and I don't think I'll ever be fully happy with him.
   I don't want to crush his heart, but I don't know what to do. My family will reject me, even though I haven't see them in months. I'm poor, doing the bare minimum at college (2 classes so far doing well), and I don't think there's any hope for me to transition soon.
   I just want someone to love me as a woman more than anything else. I want to look like a woman, and be a woman. I don't want to be seen as a freak or a male. I don't want to live a life that is almost close to a zombie, some days I am happier some days I'm crying in my sleep. People like me, but it's not who I am.

[shortNsweet]

I apologize. I'm not usually the best with words...

A lot of what you say could be applied to me (and I'm sure many others) as well. Envy is something I deal with every single day. I don't think anyone wants to be an "ugly" woman. I notice for me when I'm able to truly express who I am and feel more feminine, I'm happier and I don't really feel as ugly as I do when I'm depressed. It's happiness we should strive for, regardless of how that looks.

As for the boyfriend, I don't want to tell you what to do. But if you're really serious and are sure you love him, you need to explain to him how you're feeling. It is possible for people to work things out. It's a nasty side effect of transition (and one I'm also deathly afraid of) that you can lose friends and family. But you can also be surprised and discover you have more friends than you realize. It's scary, but you never know until you act.

We all go through hard times. Just remember that you are not alone.

[Felix]

I felt like that for a long time. I understand being broke and thinking it would be too hard and it will never work well enough anyway and people will reject you etc. I've lost a couple of friends over it and I've struggled a bit, but I decided to transition and I don't regret it. However you proceed, you have a right to be yourself.

I don't have specific advice except keep posting, and maybe get involved with glbt stuff wherever you are. Talking to people in similar positions helps.

[Chloe]

. . . I don't think I can be passable. I have a boyfriend, but he doesn't make me feel feminine. He sees me as a guy... and I don't think I'll ever be fully happy with him.  I want to look like a woman, and be a woman.

First off dump NOT the guy but the attitude that he can possibly understand the way you truly feel - then skip the "envy" part (not healthy!) why do you wanna be "just a woman" when you can only always be special all by yourself?

I have found i am not like any other woman i have ever met and am Proud of that fact and, if i was a true guy, I would of course want someone again just like me that would treat him soooo right! People who seem "happy" are not always as they "look" and we are indeed our own best frienemy for sure so stop focusing on what others seem to have 'cause, chances are, it was also given to them by yet *somebody else* as well.

It's NOT what we appear to "have" that gives value but what we "do" with it!

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Wild Flower,

Please excuse the brevity. In life and transitioning.

Rule No 1. Ditch; drop; destroy the negative. It will kill you, one way or the other. Whether you created it or someone else gave it to you by way of a comment. DON'T ACCEPT IT. Ignore it, trash it. IMMEDIATELY. Don't give it ground to take root. This is imperative to your survival and success.

Rule No. 2. Accentuate the positive. It'll GIVE you life. We don't get enough of it on a daily basis, so you have to make it. Our emotions/mental health HAS to be fed as well. And a positive attitude feeds it. Turn your envy into a positive. What does this woman have that you envy. Is it her hair, fashion, style, makeup, whatever? Note it and go and do it.

When you have done that, come back and tell me what your problems are then. I mean this very respectfully and wish to honor your dignity. We all need to do this on a daily basis. Whether transitioning or not.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine

[AbraCadabra]

+ 1

Cathy got it going, heya!

We need loads of it - and then some :-)

Axelle

[justmeinoz]

You are just at the start of transition by the sounds of things, and are still looking at women with a man's attitudes.  Once the switches in your brain finally switch to "woman" you will see the beauty in all women. 

There are the socially accepted standards of "beauty" on the one hand, and the way women see each other.  It's hard to explain, and very subjective.  When you get here you will understand what I mean. Just be patient and work away at things a bit at a time.  You will get there.

Karen.

[JoanneB]

+1 to all that Cathy said.

Let me assure you that negative feelings WILL turn you into a joyless zombie. (Been there, done that, and spent 3+ decades at it) If you feel as strongly as you do about yourself then you should stay away from people that just reinforce the negatives. It is nice to be feel loved by our b/f, but it totally sucks to have him think of you only as a guy. You shouldn't have to deal with that.

You are young, still growing and maturing. How you look now will be drastically different in a few years. I like to quip how like a fine wine I got better with age. There is better living through modern chemistry and surgery as options. Try to keep the big picture in mind. Transitioning on a budget is far from easy. On an unlimited budget it is no cake walk!

Try to eliminate as many negative people and thoughts that you can and accentuate all the positive ones, no matter how small you think they may be. In time your life will be filled with positive thoughts. Many many more then you dream of or see right now.

[N.Chaos]

Hi Wild Flower,

Please excuse the brevity. In life and transitioning.

Rule No 1. Ditch; drop; destroy the negative. It will kill you, one way or the other. Whether you created it or someone else gave it to you by way of a comment. DON'T ACCEPT IT. Ignore it, trash it. IMMEDIATELY. Don't give it ground to take root. This is imperative to your survival and success.

Rule No. 2. Accentuate the positive. It'll GIVE you life. We don't get enough of it on a daily basis, so you have to make it. Our emotions/mental health HAS to be fed as well. And a positive attitude feeds it. Turn your envy into a positive. What does this woman have that you envy. Is it her hair, fashion, style, makeup, whatever? Note it and go and do it.

When you have done that, come back and tell me what your problems are then. I mean this very respectfully and wish to honor your dignity. We all need to do this on a daily basis. Whether transitioning or not.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine

I just wanna butt in and say that Catherine's advice on this is excellent advice for anyone, in almost any situation. Especially turning that envy into a good thing.