Warning: Long Story.
So upon returning home from a month of study abroad and partial RLE in Germany (most students in my group wouldn't accept me as male, except one who was gay and also unaccepted, but to him the rest of Berlin, I'm male), I came out to my friends as an FTM. Three of them had known before I accepted it, most already knew (including four of my friends who are also trans), and the others already suspected. My grandma (dad's mom) also read my coming out on fb (didn't think to add her to the block list), actually accepted me, and even called me "grandson", my day was officially better than I could ever have hoped for. Had a convention, many cheers were made, life was good. Then I rallied their support to tell my mother.
It could have gone better. But then, it wasn't anything I didn't already expect. She's the parent I've had the closest relationship with and she's always been accepting, even if it is grudgingly at times. She said the same thing she said when I told her I liked women, "I don't agree or approve, but I love you and God loves you." Then she proceeded to change the subject and lecture me about my SO. -sigh- And we had Chinese. This is how things work with my mother, I don't question it.
Now, my father...he and I have always been on very...unstable ground. He's the more liberal and accepting of my parents, in terms of beliefs. But he's a former alcoholic. I grew up with him being an abusive alcoholic and seeing him as the bad guy that I had to protect my little brothers from. So we've never really had the grounds for a stable relationship. He's changed since then, though he's always seemed to act like it never happened. But he still has a habit of being easily angered, and he's always had very strong, thick-headed opinions, and so have I. My mom said it best, we just clash heads. We're both very politically oriented, and I've found that that's the one thing we can debate on and not get out of hand. But he's had a knack for making huge arguments about my identity and my life in general, and he often uses intimidation and degradation to win his arguments. The last argument we had resulted from a disagreement regarding my girlfriend, I offended him with the "wrong tone of voice", and it ended with an inch close yelling match of me defending myself against his insults regarding my inability to make my own decisions, which resulted in my brothers calling my mother while they tried to comfort my SO in the back room... It was sorted out in the end, and I owned up to my own mistakes (this was before Germany), but it's not the first time this happened.
So one can understand that I'd be very hesitant about coming out to him, for fear that it might start a heated debate. Since then, we'd been okay, aside from the pain in my gut and the wretching in my throat every time he called me "Princess"... I've been living with him over the summer, while I wasn't studying abroad, because he lives in a town unlike my mom, (since I don't have transportation, but need to buy my own food), so we've been getting on better ground. Though, he has a habit of coming home from work and immediately going into the room to play WoW for the rest of the evening, so we still don't get to talk much at all.
I rode with him to work one morning so I could catch a bus from the city to my SO's house. The bus wouldn't come for 5 hours, so until then I decided I'd wait with my laptop and luggage in the employee lounge (he works at a hospital). Then...he introduced me to his coworkers....as his "daughter"... I was...well, half passing, so the surgeon who came in later addressed me as male, and when the nurses asked me why I didn't say anything about it I quickly explained that I was trans. Afterwards, my dad, directing me to where the bus stop was, said, "Y'know. I already knew about you wanting to be a boy, but they didn't need to know that. They're making fun of me now." I didn't get a chance to respond, before he went back to work. It felt like, he thought he knew. But he didn't really seem to... I didn't really know what to think, so I just continued trying to figure out when would be a good time to tell him. (another problem of mine, I'm far too analytical...)
Then my mistake...I let a nightmare get the best of me....I had a dream in which my dad, while talking to someone else, laughed and made a jest demeaning my attempts at presenting as male. I was just...furious upon waking up, dream or not, it was my biggest fear about coming out to him, and I made the stupid mistake of posting an angry status on fb while still half asleep...which I forgot about...and it came back to me later when my dad got home....
This was the message he sent:
"I saw your post. I am not angry but I am really hurt by what you posted. What do you mean by "I hate it when my dad mocks me even in my dreams...". I would never mock you. I would rather die than mock you. Is there anything I can do to help you? Is there anything I can do to ease you're pain? I can't even talk to you even though you are here. You won't even talk to me about what is bothering you."
I was....surprised to say the least. Then he walked right past me and out the door, didn't even make eye contact, and drove away...And...well...I felt stupid and guilty...But, I tried to make the best of it. So I sent my reply:
"I guess it's just that I've been really uptight about coming out to you...
When you addressed me at your work and said you knew, the way you phrased it kind of hurt. I don't see myself as "wanting to become a boy", but rather I /am/ a guy, just in the wrong physical body.
I'd been trying to find a way to phrase it well so that I could tell you, and I was throwing out hints in hopes it would make things easier. I know in the past I was really confused, never quite giving off the right impression, not knowing how to define myself I was extremely contradictory. I've been a lot more comfortable in my identity since coming out. But I sometimes feel like other people are stuck in the past, particularly with the way mom's been taking it (not negatively, but not exactly positively either) I've been hesitant to tell you for fear that you'd have a similar reaction.
So far your mom is the only family member that I've received (what I consider) a positive reaction. I felt really relieved when she referred to me as "grandson" (and pretty proud too). Which is something I haven't really been able to get mom to even try to do. And it felt like a blow to the gut when she said she'd never be able to refer to me as a son.
It's just been weighing on my mind a lot when I'm here. And my greatest fear was that you'd argue about my identity. That you'd take it personally when I say that I don't like being called "princess".
I hope you don't. I understand that it's what you're used to, but I'd hope that you could learn to call me your son."
I walked while I typed. Went to get food, and also to get away from the tension and wait for a reply. Then I got one:
"Maybe you can understand if I ask this. Why? Watching you grow up I never saw a hint (and I am pretty attentive) of a girl wanting to be a boy. I know that you have had a couple of traumatic incidences in the past few years that may have affected you. But nothing before that. It does pain me that you thought you could never talk about some of the things that you have gone through but you chose to keep them secret from me. My failure. My fault. I never instilled the kind of trust needed for that confidence. Again my failure. Understand this though, I really can't support this unless you have had extensive counseling. We do have the free counceling for HCA employees for 5 visits. I will even pay if you need more than that. I do know that any good gender reassignment surgeon will not do it without good psychiatric evaluation. And I do know which surgeons do gender reassignment surgergy. I have researched it. If you want my supprort, then please, please accept the counseling. Be honest with yourself is all that I ask. I love you. I will always love you and I would die for you in an instant if I thought it would help you."
He's never admitted to that before. Never. In all I can remember, that's the first time he ever stated that the reason I felt unable to talk to him was his failure. I proceeded to explain everything from the beginning (the VERY beginning) so that he could understand it from my point of view. A story that I don't quite feel comfortable posting here yet. But it's something I haven't really discussed with any of my family in length, not even my mother.
He still hasn't responded. I think he went to bed before he got the chance to. But it feels like this is going to either be the grounds for my first real relationship with my father, or break whatever we had... I just don't know if I'm ready to face him later today...to hear his response...
