Yesterday me and my mom got into an argument, in the car, at about 2am in the morning. By argument I mean her crying a lot and yelling, and me trying to console her and be reasonable. I've been out to her for at least a year, if not more actually (now that I think about it). Our argument came with the stress of one of my friends moving in who only sees me as a man. I introduced myself as one, and she's said that mentally that she has trouble even trying to wrap her mind around the idea that Sal was once a Sarah. My friend constantly refers to me as him, he, or his (which isn't that strange, because people use pronouns in daily everything, she can't exactly say Sal this, Sal that, every moment of the day), and my mom still calls me she, and her (in all honesty I think I've spoiled my mom by letting her do this, and not putting down my foot firm enough).
During our argument she kept crying that 'My Sarah is dead!! My Sarah is dead', which is entirely uncomfortable for me (since I 1. am right there, holding her hand and 2. I have a terrible fear of death). I tried to make things more clear to her, saying that I've considered myself male for at least seven years, and was uncomfortable with myself for at least 4 more years prior to that (uncomfortable to the point of not talking to people, not leaving the house to go do fun things, stomach and back pains brought on by stress, suicidal thoughts, ect.) I've given a LOT to my mom, as my self goes. Knowing that my birthname has significance for all (I was named after women in my family), instead of going by John Doe, I've gone by Sal (I was named after a Sally), and as far as my middle name, Eli (taking away the zabeth). Her tears didn't stop though, as she feels like every chance my friend gets she's ramming male pronouns down my mom's throat, which she feels is a personal attack towards her.
I think my mom might be a bit jealous actually, that she can't comfortable do that, and that I have my friend so easily able to do so is a slap. I'd never hurt my mom in anyway, but last night had me so frustrated that I couldn't see straight. She wants me to be made of sugar spice and everything nice (we managed to get a chuckle out of that at least), and that she still thinks I might have lots of little babies (I've been fully honest with her since the age of 10 or 11 that in no way shape or form that I am going to have a baby. The only baby doll she ever got me ended in a mudpile upside-down outside with my sister barbies).
In the end she said that she wants me to be happy, and that she'll fully accept me, but I still get the feeling that she can't. That I'm always going to be her daughter, and of course the push-over I am, I'll keep on letter her say that... of course it might get a little uncomfortable for her when she's introducing her 'daughter' and her is this flat-chested bearded hot-topic fashion victim of a guy saying hello.
Beyond my mom, everyone at work knows (and accepts it, even going so far as to be respectful enough to ask what pronouns I would like them to use), my friends online either know, though most of the time I tell them the truth and say I'm a man, I think my grandma knows (coupled with the statement of 'Oh. That's sad.'), and my sister knows (and gave her strange okay of it when we were making Mii's on the Wii and when I went to make mine and had to chose between the genders she simply said 'you can be a guy if you want'). My dad doesn't know, but considering the topics we talk about, I'm sure that he wouldn't be surprised by it (I don't live with him).
The whole big thing that makes me nervous though is that I don't want my mom to not really accept it, and then get turned upside-down when I start T, or when I return from top surgery. I don't want to put her in that position (because I love my mommy), but sometimes I don't know if it's actually avoidable.
... Good lords... I'm so sorry for ranting like that.
