3 months on T - Sad note..

[Wraith]

I am not happy. Being on T has felt wonderful, but only in a bittersweet sort of way.
I feel more at home with my body, I love my voice changes, I love feeling my adam's apple developing, I love getting facial hair, I love how my body shape is slowly changing, and it has felt great to let the true side (or rather, the full spectrum) of my personality come to the surface more and more. It feels so natural to just let it all blend together with the physical changes.

But I can't be happy. I feel horrid and shameful. I still have not gotten over how cruel this is to my boyfriend, and I can't handle losing him.

I keep feeling like I should just dig up my old female clothes again and put them on and go back to being a girl, and when I keep realizing how impossible that feels - I keep considering to stop getting my shots done and just stay where I am at and just bind and such. But that thought sends me back to that dark hole in my mind where there is no real future and where there is only pain.
Yet to keep taking my shots and keep transitioning means I WILL lose my boyfriend and I just can't handle that. I don't know what to do.

I really, really don't want to stop taking T. I've been so excited with all the changes and felt so great about myself, and I've looked so much forward for more.
Yet I still feel like I must stop and go back to being a girl, and I hate myself for it. I wish I was never born. I wish I had never put my boyfriend through this pain, and I wish I could just die, but I can't commit suicide, I can't do that to him. I wish I actually had at least one friend in real life, as I lost my family and may now lose the last person I've got. I feel completely messed up and broken. But most of all I am worried for him, because I have messed up his life and his feelings so very badly.

I know some of you have it worse, and I admire your strength to move on with everything. I am not as strong as I used to think.

[MaxAloysius]

Dude. This is going to sound harsh, but move the hell on already. What are you still doing with this guy? If your transitioning is such a big deal for him, then he obviously doesn't care as much about you as you do him. DTMFA.

You talk about how much you've ruined his life with this, when you haven't done a damn thing to him, all you've done is started taking the steps to rectify a physical defect you were born with. He's the one ruining your life by making you feel this way. Harden up man, and get a boyfriend who loves you the way you are.

[Potter]

I'm with Max on this one. If he really want's you to be a girl, well that is impossible anyway, you're not a girl and even if you go back to dressing as one, you're still not a girl. You would be a very unhappy boy in girls clothing, what would be so good about that? If he rather sees you unhappy, then transition he's not that great a boyfriend. You are not doing anything to him, you're being you, that is not something to feel guilty for.

[VeryGnawty]

I agree with Max.  Someone is going to feel really hurt, and it might as well be the boyfriend.  How long do you possibly think you can continue pretending to be a girl just because that's what your boyfriend wants?  Eventually you will cave and either transition or commit suicide.  Then he will be even more hurt and he will have had even more of his time wasted.  Then, you'll feel even worse for it.

If someone can't deal with you how you are, get them out of your life.  I don't care how much they love you, or claim to love you, or how much you love them.  Incompatibility is still incompatibility regardless of how many other things you may have going for you.  I don't care if he's the man of your dreams.  If this single issue is enough of a nightmare, it will eventually destroy all of those dreams.

I'm refraining from relationships specifically to avoid the types of problems you are going through.  But if for some reason I did seek a relationship, I can tell you right now that I would not hesitate to end such a relationship if my partner insisted on my being masculine.  I am becoming female.  This is an aspect of my life that is not negotiable.  If someone cannot accept a more feminine me, then it means that they cannot accept me.  It is as simple as that.

[Wraith]

He has been nothing but considerate to me. He genuinely wishes that he could keep loving me a his boyfriend, and he's been trying, but it just doesn't work out. He's straight. He's been a great supporter ever since I came out and has been helping me reach my transitioning goals, he's been very selfless and never ever complained or questioned me. But I can see how it pains him. Neither of us want to let go, yet we won't be able to go on as it is, and we know it.
The reason I am so worried for him is that he himself is a very broken and lonely person, he's got his own psychological troubles and other difficulties. I really don't know what will become of him.

I was really just venting and putting words for my feelings.

[malinkibear]

At the end of the day, you have decide if you want to do what's best for you, or what's best for him. A relationship in which both the people are completely lost without the other is not a healthy one. It's one where you've both become too dependent on the other as an emotional crutch.
If a relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean neither of you then don't have anyone. You can still be friends. Hell, you can still have a very personal and close connection. But you're transitioning, and he's not attracted to men. It's not going to happen. If you stop transitioning, and he genuinely cares about you, seeing you so miserable all because of him will hurt him too. I'm sorry. You're not going to be happy whichever the result. But ending the relationship is what has the better prospects, and you stand to gain much more (your transition and a friend) than what you lose (a relationship that neither of you are particularly happy in).

Of course, it's all much easier said than done. Good luck, I hope you guys turn out happy whatever happens.

[Ryno]

I'm with Solobear. From the sounds of it, breaking up won't be one-sided and won't end in you two hating each other. You may need to take a few weeks or even a couple of month talking on the phone only, and it'll be hard, but breaking up and maintaining a tight friendship will probably benefit you more than staying with each other and being miserable.

Even with couples who don't have to go through a transition like us can end up in an unhealthy emotional dependence that needs to end.

[insideontheoutside]

He has been nothing but considerate to me. He genuinely wishes that he could keep loving me a his boyfriend, and he's been trying, but it just doesn't work out. He's straight. He's been a great supporter ever since I came out and has been helping me reach my transitioning goals, he's been very selfless and never ever complained or questioned me. But I can see how it pains him. Neither of us want to let go, yet we won't be able to go on as it is, and we know it.
The reason I am so worried for him is that he himself is a very broken and lonely person, he's got his own psychological troubles and other difficulties. I really don't know what will become of him.

I was really just venting and putting words for my feelings.

Have you considered just being friends? I mean, friends can love and care for one another - support one another - be there for one another. The only thing friends aren't doing (usually!) is having sex or calling each other a "couple".  There's no reason why he can't be in your life (and you in his) while you continue the path that's right for you, and he go a different path as far as romantic relationships go.

[xAndrewx]

I know some of you have it worse, and I admire your strength to move on with everything. I am not as strong as I used to think.

You're only as strong as you choose to be man. You have that same strength in you somewhere, I really think we all do. You sound like you're making things an ultimatum or maybe he is on accident? Like he's either your boyfriend or he's your nothing. Inside is right about the friend thing.

Let's say you stay with him and are female only. (This is only going by your post mind you so if I am wrong feel free to correct me) You can either be with him as female and then you are miserable which won't make him happy or you could stay with him and go through some rough times but you'll be happy so he'll at least be happy about that and then maybe you'll both make it work.

Or you guys break up, stay close friends you move on with your transition maybe you both see other people later on or maybe you both get back together after you have sorted out your individual things. It sounds like you both need to have a long talk man whether neither of you lie to yourselves or tell half-truths to each other. 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

sometimes, you're down and out. Sometimes, you lose everyone.
That's when you have to be strong on your own, like it or not.
Been there, done that.
I've lost everyone so many times I lost count, but I always have found new people who are amazing, who understand me...but I always have in the back of my mind, the reminder that things change, people leave...but life doesn't stop for anybody. I could end up alone by some turn of fate once again and chances are, it will happen multiple times in your life. Each time, it hurts less.
It's the truth. And nobody is worth living your life for. You have to follow your own dreams, not halfassed follow them cause you don't want to trample on someone's toes. You can be strong on your own, and whether you learn that the easy way or the hard way is up to you.

[JesseO]

I am not happy. Being on T has felt wonderful, but only in a bittersweet sort of way.
I feel more at home with my body, I love my voice changes, I love feeling my adam's apple developing, I love getting facial hair, I love how my body shape is slowly changing, and it has felt great to let the true side (or rather, the full spectrum) of my personality come to the surface more and more. It feels so natural to just let it all blend together with the physical changes.

But I can't be happy. I feel horrid and shameful. I still have not gotten over how cruel this is to my boyfriend, and I can't handle losing him.

I keep feeling like I should just dig up my old female clothes again and put them on and go back to being a girl, and when I keep realizing how impossible that feels - I keep considering to stop getting my shots done and just stay where I am at and just bind and such. But that thought sends me back to that dark hole in my mind where there is no real future and where there is only pain.
Yet to keep taking my shots and keep transitioning means I WILL lose my boyfriend and I just can't handle that. I don't know what to do.

I really, really don't want to stop taking T. I've been so excited with all the changes and felt so great about myself, and I've looked so much forward for more.
Yet I still feel like I must stop and go back to being a girl, and I hate myself for it. I wish I was never born. I wish I had never put my boyfriend through this pain, and I wish I could just die, but I can't commit suicide, I can't do that to him. I wish I actually had at least one friend in real life, as I lost my family and may now lose the last person I've got. I feel completely messed up and broken. But most of all I am worried for him, because I have messed up his life and his feelings so very badly.

I know some of you have it worse, and I admire your strength to move on with everything. I am not as strong as I used to think.

I feel the same way. Exactly. I am just over two months, and spoke to my therapist today about stopping. I am going through the same thing with my girlfriend. I find myself questioning whether or not I'd be okay just staying how I am. I love her more than anything, and in all reality, it is her or transition. She said something the other day that really made me think though. She said that she doesn't believe she could continue being with me if I continued transition, but if I was still the unhappy, angry, miserable person I used to be, she wouldn't be able to stay with me either. If you put your transition on hold, or forget about it completely, there is no guarantee you will stay together. You may stay together longer, but in the end you would not be being honest with yourself, or with him. Honesty is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. I really wish I could take my own advice, but think about how you would feel if, in the end, you do break up regarding something else. That right there is what devastates me. Either way, there is no guarantee of "forever". I'd rather not waste the next however many months, or years not transitioning when, in the end, I may just lose her anyway. It's just a matter of learning to do this.