fff. Struggling now. *sigh* I'm doing two of my presentations of lesbian-related issues (yeah, there's a lot this week) and the research is making me feel weird. I know that I'm transitioning FtA, but. I'll appear physically male, more than likely. And I feel...just so disjointed from a community that I cherished so much. Coming out as a lesbian was my most empowering experience, it gave me so much, it made me so happy and free. When I get into these lesbian politics and whatnot, I just get so excited, so passionate. But when I appear male how can I talk about how hard it was for me to accept liking women? Most lesbians won't want much to do with me, either, at least romantically.
But at the same time, to be seen simply as a woman, which I am not, is torture. I die inside when someone calls me 'she.' 'He' is a lot more comfortable, but I do think I'd prefer neutral pronouns. But no one will use it. I mentioned it casually to my brother to test the waters, and he said "that's weird, and too hard, and people who expect that just confuse others and it's stupid."
It just breaks my heart, why can't I live in this world as ME? As androgyne? As neither male or female? no matter which way I go, people will read me a certain way, a way which is not 100% truthful to my heart, my experiences. For the first time I find myself wishing desperately that I could be happy as "just" as a lesbian, "just" a woman, but that's impossible and wrong and bleh. Why do stupid stupid people have to try and push me into these boxes? Just because my body should be more "male" doesn't mean that my experiences as a woman should just be thrown in the garbage.
I wish the forest really existed.
I'd live there, a place where we all understand each other and don't look for gender in one another. Just accept at face value, for what we tell we are.
Die die world.
