How do you feel ?

[ativan]

I'm here. Talked with my parents and my shrink today. Just served to frustrate me.

That's in their job descriptions I think. You feeling any better?

18% watched...Is that 18% of the time?
Or 1/5 topics/replies. What exactly is 18%?
Ativan, (part time anarchist)

[Julian]

That's in their job descriptions I think. You feeling any better?

I was. Not no mo'. No one seems to know how to help me, no matter how much I try to tell them what I need. I just end up pushing everyone away.

And someone ate the leftover pesto-chicken pizza. Makes me want to kick a kitten.

[ativan]

Do you use any kind of anxiety med?

If not, get thee to the Dr for something. Even the ER will help you out at this point. If I was there, I would make you get in the car and go.

Ativan

[Julian]

Xanax and Ativan turned me into a zombie, Klonopin was nice but I OD'd and got taken off it, Buspar didn't have much of an effect, and now I'm on Seroquel. Everyone wants me to go to the hospital, but it only makes me more anxious and suicidal.

[ativan]

Once I started to get used to Ativan, I dropped the dosage to .5 (they come that way), and then pretty soon I was just PRN.
There were days that I had to take more than a few, but I learned to remove the cause or move away from the cause.
You're right about the zombie effect, though. It took a good week even on the half dose to learn to function normally.

I have a pill cutter that works on anything I've tried. I think most Dr write to strong a script. Just to be on the ?safe? side.
I'm always working to find the minimum dosage of anything I'm taking. Who wants to go from total manic to can't remember your name?
I always work the dosage down. I used to take Seroquel, I will never take it again.
That's a drug with so many documented side affects that it's worse than any benifits.
That ->-bleeped-<- will rot your brain down to mush in a few years. That stuff is pure zombieville. The Serequel shuffle.

They don't want you on Ativan or Klonopin because they're addictive. But, In the smallest of doses, its the smallest of addictions.

I have to deal with Bi-polar that can go into a full blown manic from hell mode in under a couple minutes. I take a little more Klonopin then.
But not to much, the manic stage is fun if you can regulate it. Same with depression. Why take those doses when you don't need them. But,when I do, I follow the script pretty much. If I'm going into situations that I know are going to be bad for anxiety, I sometimes premedicate.
Works out well. You never get to the anxiety stage to start with. I carry Klonopin with me at all times, enough to knock me out if needed.
I used to do the same with Ativan.

People, a lot of them, don't think about anxiety except in there little indesicion modes. They don't understand that your world is collapsing.
They don't understand that a full out panic attack is the scariest thing a person can go through. I gotta laugh when I saw the movie 2012.
Thats what a panic attack feels like. But they couldn't get the characters to even show just more than a little fear.

If all else fails, I have doggie downers to get me to sleep.Clonopramine I think. They really are the doggie downers you hear about.
I take a few of those and I can sleep through a car wreck.
To keep me out of the depressed mode, which has extreme suicidal tendancies, I usually operate just on the manic side of things, but that makes it hard to sleep.
I might not sleep more than an hr a nite for a week sometimes.

But the real point ,besides the dribble of my life, is to fight it. Be as proactive as you can making yourself happy.
Maybe even at the small expense of somebody else. What an ->-bleeped-<-! Yeah, but a happy one. Just don't over do it.

Life can be a battle, you have to become a warrior if you want to survive.

Ativan (are they still watching? Its a little paranoid ya know? I still can't tell which 18% they're watching)

[Julian]

When I was on Ativan, my shrink decided that four times a day like clockwork was a good idea. I'm pretty sensitive to benzos; hardly have any memories of that month. Lost a whole Christmas vacation to that ->-bleeped-<-. That shrink was a dumb ->-bleeped-<- though, I have a good one now.

I'm scared of the Seroquel now.  I take what I think is the smallest prescribed dose, and just at night to sleep. Is it gonna melt my brain?

I've been on so many different brain drugs and I'm still like this. That's what makes me lose hope: the thought that there's nothing out there for me.

[ativan]

I think the smallest dose is 25 mg, not positive. I took it at nite to sleep, after awhile it didn't work, so I quit it. Maybe it was just the idea of that, but I felt much better. It's not uncommon to be prescribed 100-200 at a time. I know people who who are getting as much as 1600/day, vegs all of them.

4x/day is to much ativan, even if the dose is .5mg. I only used it when I knew I had to or was going to need it. I stoped the 4x a day after about a week and it was so much nicer. When you need it take it, but only use it enough so you can deal (KEY WORD THERE) with what ever is the cause. If you need more, take it. They have to prescribe an amount that works when you're living a stressed life. Sometimes the stress is ourselves from taking these drug cocktails from the doctors

It's all about you, always. When your life gets to a certain point that you cannot deal with it,...it is about you. You have to forget the idea of a happy pill that is going to make it all better. You only need for anxiety, the reason that it's there, to stop. If it takes therapy, so be it. You have to stay proactive at all times.

I would see about the .5 ativan, at first they buzz you for a few minutes but, thats about it. If you need it fast, chew it. just tastes like chalk. If you can actually feel it in your system, after 15 min., you took to much. Not to worry, they wear down pretty fast. That the best. you should have the situation under control by then. THEY give you the TIME to fix yourself!
I wanted something that lasted longer, so I use Klonopin. My evils are in my head. PTSD. Once triggered, I know what it was, but my brain just goes off on a flighty adventure with me hoping It doesn;t kill me. Klonopin when chewed works fast enough.

You take care of all those boogey men. 99% of fear is self generated. You just have to find the triggers and let go of them.
It really scares me when you talk like your going to kill yourself one way or the other. I got brought back 4 times, 4 freakin times. Must have been to tell you not to. Tomorrow I'll go back to being a Androgyn and proud of it.

Ativan

[Julian]

Yeah, I'm on 25mg Seroquel and it knocks me right out. If I'm so sensitive to drugs, why do my doses for antidepressants keep going up and up? They still don't do anything.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm gonna kill myself no matter what. It just seems like it's only a matter of time. I've known I would die from this since I was about 13. Maybe it's still years and years away, who knows.

[ativan]

Have you tried Wellbutrin? It's the only thing that works for me. It's not a SSRI, but it is an antidepressant. I'm on a medium high dosage. 300mg.
Max is 450mg I think. I used to get that much, but I convinced them to step it down a notch, and I like it much better. I tried probably 8 different SSRI's before they tried Wellbutrin. Just ask them for it. You'll get smaller doses of what you're on and bigger doses of welbutrin. You should see a whole new world within a couple weeks if it works.
Don't cry wolf! it scares us that you are going to do it very soon. A lot of us (you know this) are sitting on the edge of the abyss.

Back to my Spanish lessons (boy do I suck at learnin this)
Ativan

[mimpi]

Hi Julian, am very sorry to hear you are suffering like this. Just my personal opinion but perhaps medication isn't the be all and end all in your situation. Talking therapy be it with a counsellor, analyst, psychologist or psychiatrist can help and often does.

Myself I'm not a big believer in gender therapy as the problem isn't really ours but that of society and its mores. However general therapy can and does help. I too was suicidal once but didn't go through with it (thank god) as my car at the time was a two cylinder FIAT Panda 30 with dodgy idling and the engine kept stopping while I was getting things prepared. This was in the days before unleaded petrol, catalytic converters and so on. A big 'mille grazie' to italian ->-bleeped-<- engineering!

[Sevan]

Or maybe it's because they're medicating you for entirely the wrong "problem"....I'm so upset that all these harmful, toxic, "zombiafying" drugs are covered and thrown at you but no one is willing to try/or allow T. The fact that these meds are all covered by your insurance but hormones aren't just upsets me to no end. I mean...some Tguys report getting their injectable T for like $8 a month!! Why can't insurance cover this life saving "drug"?

I know I'm extremely lucky that my T is covered. I don't know why it's covered because I don't think it's suppose to be...so because of that I'm not about to ask them why they cover it but other insurances don't. I just wish more people had access.....

[Julian]

I am getting therapy. It helps a little. My parents seem to think that therapy and piles of drugs will "cure" me of being trans, or at least of the need to make changes to my body. T's completely off the table; they won't pay for it whether or not it's covered. And they've been implying lately that they wouldn't be helping me pay for chest surgery after all. I know that once I'm not dependent on them and have a real job and stuff that I can do whatever I want, but I don't think I'll ever be able to get to that point without some sort of trans-related care. Which makes me suicidal: that I don't have any sort of healthy future.

[ativan]

We're here for you.

[Sevan]

I'm very sorry your parents are being so unsupportive. Truly *they* are the ones that need therapy. No amount of therapy will end transgender. I can't believe they don't know that.

Use your financial needs to propel you forward! You can do this. You really really can. As I said earlier, there are fairly cheap ways to get T. Once you've got that step down you'll be more comfortable in your skin and able to move forward to the next step. This entire site knows exactly what your going through. It's not easy...but it's very doable. *hugs*

[mimpi]

I am getting therapy. It helps a little. My parents seem to think that therapy and piles of drugs will "cure" me of being trans, or at least of the need to make changes to my body. T's completely off the table; they won't pay for it whether or not it's covered. And they've been implying lately that they wouldn't be helping me pay for chest surgery after all. I know that once I'm not dependent on them and have a real job and stuff that I can do whatever I want, but I don't think I'll ever be able to get to that point without some sort of trans-related care. Which makes me suicidal: that I don't have any sort of healthy future.

Psychiatric medication should NEVER be given for being trans, any doctor or psychiatrist who proposes that should be investigated and quite possibly suspended. It's about time people woke up and realise that it isn't going away and that it isn't an illness nor something that can be 'cured'.

When one has a family that doesn't accept one and ->-bleeped-<-s up one's mind all one can hope to do is leave and make a life elsewhere. My own family were/are messed up, far right politics and criminal with it. I left at 19, indeed it was so bad I left the country and spent over 20 years working abroad. Best thing I ever did.

Be strong Julian. You owe it to yourself and to those who will be with you in the future and you need to get away from people who do not have your best interests at heart.

(((Big Hug)))

[mimpi]

Ativan, (part time anarchist)

Hehe! Have you ever watched 'Las Libertarias'? Fantastic film about the Mujeres Libres movement during the Spanish Civil War. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113649/

[foosnark]

If you need a kitten to kick, you can borrow mine.  He deserves it.  The oozing wounds on my hands need to be avenged.  (And here I was just so pleased with how much calmer he's been in the past two days.)

[Julian]

Tired. Frustrated. Medicated.

Apparently my parents care about me and love me unconditionally and will do anything to help me... as long as it's this one therapist or this other group therapy program. Neither of which have anything to do with LGBT. I'm about ready to give up trying to help them understand that the trans thing is the source of the majority of my mental problems, and once we tackle that I'll be better equipped to work on the rest, if any are left. I spent the last day and a half saying it in as many different ways as I could, then got fed up and ran away to my apartment. I'm moving back home soon. There won't be anywhere to run.

I can afford half of top surgery with Garramone. I've spent today fantasizing about taking out a medical loan and having my partner whisk me off to Florida.

Ranty ranty rant.

All I can do is keep breathing.

[Sevan]

I'm so sorry they don't get it. I understand how much that can just suck all the oxygen out of the room, and out of you. I'm having a similar problem with my parents in that "they love me unconditionally, they'll love me forever, there's nothing I can do to make that go away...but they don't accept that I'm *Sevan* and all that entails." um...what!? How do those two thoughts even belong together?!

I suspect the answer is yet but have you had books do your work for you? I don't know that they'd read any of the books...but "True Selves" really seems to help for some people as it's written for family and friends of the transgender person.
"Always my child: A parent's guide to understanding...."
"Understanding Transsexualism for Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals"

I can't say I've read any of these... dyslexia prevents me from reading and comprehending many books and I've given up (perhaps I shouldn't but that's neither here nor there at this moment...) but I've had personal recommendations for two of these three books...maybe they could help put words to your feelings where you couldn't. Conversations can be so charged emotionally...reading can defuse that. IF...they're willing. And I hope they could be.

Keep fighting Julian. You're doing great.

[Julian]

My mom actually asked me for books. I'll check those titles out, see if they're any good. Thanks.

Therapy today. This is gonna drain me so hard.