How do you feel ?

[ativan]

I have nothing to say right now except thanks for the support I've gotten, it helps.
I'm on facebook as ativan al. I can really be myself there, put up some of my photo's. It'll be nice.

Maybe there's a group started or I can start one, who knows.

Thank you all,
Ativan Al

[mimpi]

It's a pleasure, Ativan.

The Androgyne section has been decimated over the last month or so. The Forest appears to be strewn with with anti personnel mines.

[HelenW]

A reminder:

2. Any attempts to stage protests, dispute the site policy, the TOS/rules, or actions of the staff; in the public areas of this site will not be tolerated and will result in your removal. If you have issues I suggest you contact susan@susans.org and not bring your issues into the public spaces on this website. For the proper way to raise issues see term #20 below.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html

Some of the posts in this thread are skirting way too close to the line.  Please take your criticisms to a private venue.

[Julian]

I can't find you on facebook. Maybe it's my facebook being dumb, maybe it's because I'm drunk.

Anyway, in the spirit of this thread, I feel frustrated by all this. Also depressed by other reasons, which led to me being drunk in the first place. And pissed off that my mouse died, so I have to use the trackpad.

(don't let them banhammer you before I find another way of contacting you. Does that make me sound creepy?)

[Sevan]

Just so I understand....we're not allowed to express *anger* in the "How do you feel?" thread? Just...making sure I understand....

In other news...horrible day in the economy...horrible first day of work. Not sure how I feel about my surgery and that...SUCKS.

[Julian]

Tearful, helpless, banging-fists-against-walls dysphoria. If I knew how to prostitute or sell drugs, I'd be seriously considering it to pay for surgery. Either way, I'll probably need to hold off on T until I'm old enough to sell my eggs.

I haven't cut in nearly two months. Nights like tonight make me wonder why I bother to resist the urge.

[Sevan]

Aw Julian... I'm sorry it sunk back into being so bad. It will lift again, always does. And you may be amazed at how you feel after surgery. Moving forward, taking a step...any step is the best thing you can do to lessen the dysphoria and quiet it. I'm not saying you'll not need T, just saying you might have an unexpected repreieve from your dysphoria. I did and it shocked me. In a good way!! Of course...but yea.

[MarinaM]

Bam! Alright.

Today I'm alright, and I shall try to make it good. I wish I had a color blocked dress and sweater combo that helped me put out "alright" vibes.

[Joeyboo~ :3]

Super impatient.
April needs to come faster...

[Heavenlywind]

I feel pretty lonely right now for some strange reason. I guess its another one of those days.

[MetaFic]

Heavenlywind, if you ever need someone to chat with, I'm always around.

As for today, all I want to do is hide under the covers. I just wish I had answers. Or magic powers.

[foosnark]

I wish people were happy.  My wife seems like she might be sliding back to depression and I can't put on the brakes for her.  I feel kind of disconnected myself.  I was reading some stuff about OWS and thinking, to some of them they have a real community, but I don't.  And I don't know what's going on here, if anything.

[Joeyboo~ :3]

eh.

[mimpi]

Back from being banned and feeling mightily p*ss*d off...

[Heavenlywind]

Heavenlywind, if you ever need someone to chat with, I'm always around.

As for today, all I want to do is hide under the covers. I just wish I had answers. Or magic powers.

Thank you! I'll keep that in mind. I'm very angry right now, I was out taking a walk and my neighbors decided to drench me in water.. They were going over the speed limit, had their high beams on and drove over the puddle.. I'm going to have a chat with them about that..

[MetaFic]

That offers goes to everyone too. I've always got an ear to listen.

Today is...okay. It could be better, but it could be so much worse. I'm taking the day to be grateful for what I do have and thinking about the things that I might not have known previously.

[ativan]

Pretty good today, I feel like the manic I can be is under control.
I am trying to set up a group for Multiple Gender people on Face Book
I am not any good, in fact I'm lousy at setting something like this up.
If any of you Androgyn people wish to help, it would be greatly appreciated.
If left to myself, it take a longer time and probably have a lot of mistakes.
Thanks again!
Ativan

[foosnark]

Fat and dumpy and guilty.  I don't want to see my shadow.

Excited about music though.  Last night we spent a fair amount of time doing solos (common in taiko) and even some duet improv (rare to say the least) and I'm eager to do more of that.b I'm also setting up my computer for music production again and I might get far enough this weekend to start working on a track. It's been a while and life has changed a lot since I last did it...

[heatherrose]

Nitey night.

[Metroland]

I am not feeling great.  It has been a while since I've done some work and a friend of mine asked me to design something with him.

I was so excited and I did a great design and I wrote a report for it.  It was amazing.  My mood was good and I wrote pretty well.  It wasn't easy because since I was down for a long time I was having doubts all along that I might not be able to do it but at the end the product was pretty good.

I had a plan to do some work, wach a game on the tube and then go cut my hair.  My dad was there and he was saying some weird things.  It was fine.  But later I went to continue work on the computer and he was like now you want to computer?!!! You were watching the game and now you want it.  It is not his business when I decide to watch the game and when I want to work.

I felt guilty because I felt that this is all happening because I am in my late 20 and I am still living at home. So really it is his computer not mine. But then he wants me to work and when I do he is giving me a hard time.  I think that my dad actually wants to complain.  He doens't care if I work or if I don't.  He just wants something to nag about.  The problem is that I do not stand up to my dad and I am sacred of him.

Of course it all spiraled down when I was thinking about the huge fight I had with my sister and I was thinking is this how I was treating my sister.  I think that I really need to talk to her and talk things out. I am just really scared.

So I come back home from having my hair cut and I find my mom crying.  Apparently my dad made her cry when I was out.  It sucked and the thing is that my dad is an ->-bleeped-<-.  He made my mom cry and then came to the room to do some work.  As if my mom was alright.

Who is going to console my mom me? He is not going to console her.  He was actually more of an ->-bleeped-<- after the fight.

Why is this happening?! I do something good and I have a great job done and then all this happens.  If I wasn't strong and learnt things on my own (somehow) these past couple of months I would have really gone down so fast.  I was able to weather the storm a little bit but unfortunately at the end I broke down.  I stared at the computer for 30 minutes without writing a word. I was out of it.  All the concentration and focus that I've built up these couple of days for the project was gone. I just couldn't focus one bit.  It is not fair that my dad can do that to my mom and she starts crying.  Also I cannot get involved because if I do I will be the one losing.  It is not up to me to solve the issues with my parents but what can I do when I come back home and see my mom crying.  The sad part is that I know that this will all go away and they will talk to one another again without my mom standing up to herself and telling my dad that things are not ok this way.

The thing is that it reminded me of how my sister and I had the huge fight and the cockiness that I exhibited.  We are repeating the same patters like our parents and I am not happy with it.  My sister is like my dad so she will do exactly like him.  She won't want to talk and she will turn all cold.  I am really scared to talk to her because I don't want her to feel that I am a drama queen and I want to talk.

Is life worth it?  I struggle all the time and then something good happens and everything crumbles.  Maybe it is just too late for me for anything good to happen.  Maybe all my life is a waste and my library of how to deal with things is so bankrupt that I use all the wrong things that I learnt to help myself and therefore it just becomes worse.

Maybe life is wrong all together.  Maybe my dad is supposed to care for my mom and maybe my mom was so depressed before she got married that she was so desperate so she married my dad...

I am just too sad for this.  Things are not working out the right way.

Oops sorry this was too long.