Yet another new person here. Great to find the website. I had a search about a year ago, with not much success.
Err, I'm fairly confused. Born female, for starters. Went through a pretty deep spell of depression last summer, for which I ended up in counselling. When asked what I wanted from the sessions, I replied that it was to find out who I was. I felt like so many people blended into one. What I hadn't realised was that I would end up with major questions (and some answers?) over my sexuality.
After some months, I hit upon the idea that I was a gay man in a woman's body. Well, it was an idea, so I decided to accept the idea and think that way. It seemed to work. At least I lifted myself out of the depression. I reflected back on every possible influence in my life. Yes, there are a fair few pointers to suggest that I probably would be gay, if I had been born a boy.
Thinking back to childhood, I was a total tomboy, and dreamed of waking up as a boy. My best mates were either lads or tomboys, and I hated anything girly. Most of my favourite TV and film characters were camp, gay men, not that I had a clue, back then. College life was a very confusing time for me. I'd been to a single-sex school, and this was now my first time in a mixed environment. Every single lad I took a fancy to, turned out to be gay. I eventually ended up in the air force - almost the perfect environment for me at that time - very male-dominated, and I was duly accepted as being 'one of the lads'.
As far as relationships are concerned, I've only ever been in one long relationship, and that was with a married man. (Oops.) Other that that, it's a whole series of one-night stands or fleeting relationships, all with men. I've never had a wish to have children, and when I've asked myself the question - do I fancy women? - the answer is a definite 'no'.
Since last year's counselling, I've been quite happy, living with my fantasies. I checked out the information about operations, hormone treatment, etc, and although an operation would enable me to be the person I ought to be, I just don't think I can go through with it. I live in a very small, tight-knit community, where everyone knows me. How would I go swimming, where everyone has to shower in the nude?
Things hit a bit of a low point, last week. On the first occasion, whilst dressed fairly anonymously, I was mistaken for being someone's son. All a bit embarrassing. We then had a music festival in town, and I went out, clad in my usual anonymous jeans and T-shirt, with a sober jacket and a sunhat to top it off. As needs must, when drink is involved, I ended up in the queue for the women's loo. Someone further along the queue shouted something about there being a man in the queue. She was corrected by the woman next to me, who obviously knew who I am, even though I didn't know her. Again, embarrassing. Why can't they just have a loo available for those of us who just don't fit in?? I suppose I don't mind looking like a bloke, but I don't want people to point, stare and comment.
Anyway, having thought I'd realised who I am, I now find that I don't know any more. Am I a gay man? Am I androgynous? Are there any good questionnaires I can fill in, to find out? Regards, M.
