Some mail got sent to my dad's house under my new name again. I've never given that address for any new mailers since my name change and for some reason, even though I gave my bank my new driver's license with my new address, they didn't update that information.
Anyway, while my dad was on vacation with his girlfriend, her mother took in my dad's mail for him. One of those letters was for me, under my new name. Needless to say, my dad was pissed. He called, nicely asking at first for me to change my addresses. I informed him I thought I had. He insisted even further than I change it. I said more forcefully that I'll get it done. Once again he explained his situation, ho he has to "explain everything" now, and that I'm dumping this hufe responsibility on him and making his life difficult. I started to raise my voice and told him he has no need nor right to explain anything to anyone, that I never requested such a thing of him, and that (once again) I will fix my mail-to problem.
He went on, almost yelling, to say that he's gong to give me the phone numbers of every relative on his side of the family so I can "explain what's going on" to them, so he doesn't have to. I told him he was never required to tell them anything and that he has no right to make me out myself to conservative relatives I've seen no more than ten times in my life. He said they are asking questions and he has to explain. I told him he does not have to explain. He insisted I'm putting him in a difficult position (by being trans and expressing my male side rather than hiding it like he and my family would prefer).
All of this ended up being a very loud bitch-fight over the phone involving a lot of swearing and afterwards, at least on my part, half a Kleenex box and a desperate phone call to my ex-now-good-friend.
And now I'm realizing the huge void that is ripping apart between my father and I. He is a nice guy and he does not deserve the hardship my life is causing him - perhaps that is part of the reason why I am starting to push him away. But he also has a certain image in his head of what his family should be and it's based on the desires my mother expressed before she died. She wanted us to be close. She wanted us to get to know her biological family. She wanted my brother and I to get along. To my dad, this means I have to call my brother,, my aunt, and my biological grandmother every week, when phone calls cause me significant anxiety. Same with my brother. Neither of us are into phone calls. They are awkward and neither of us are great conversationists. My mom's biological mother seems to have gone into a recluse (my mom is the second of three children to pass away) and speaking to her is hard and awkward. I do talk to my aunt, but not every week because we're both busy people.
And the fact that my brother makes no effort whatsoever so be a part of my life means nothing to my dad. Probably because I'm the "girl" and like my mom, I'm expected to be the wonderful social butterfly who holds the family together.
I love my dad. I really do. I wish nothing more than for us to get along. But it's not happening. I'm at the point where picking up the phone and hearing his voice say my birth name just instantly puts me in a bad mood. From there, it usually ends in me swearing (because apparently that is the only way I know to express anger - something I also wish I could change because it hurts him) and one of us hanging up.
I can't be what he wants me to be and he can't understand my life the way I wish he could. We're two completely different people. I've watched my family and the life I knew so well break apart for five or six years now. All of us have (in my family). It hurts to watch it crumble and know that everything I try just makes it worse. That just being me, just trying to be happy, makes it worse.
I hold so much guilt, betrayal, and anger right now I just don't know who to turn to. I have one person left I can call and cry and yell to and I'm damn lucky to still have her there. I'm pushing my luck. I treated her like crap, broke up with her because I'm too much of a coward to commit, and she's still there to listen to my problems.
I think I just needed to dump my problems. I'll probably delete this. I'm much better at writing than I am speaking so I guess posting this helps clear my mind better than speaking about it...
