IA's Q&A: When your GID is triggered, what types of thoughts fill your head?

[Nero]

In an effort to enable me to open back up communication and to learn more about our shared experiences, I plan to create a few new threads regularly with simple, direct, questions.  Feel free to answer as succinctly as you wish so as not to hinder communication (basically I don't want anyone feeling they have to write a book - I'd rather just hear from you even if it just a few short sentences).

So here goes:  When your GID is triggered, what types of thoughts fill your head?

I'll answer for myself first:
When I'm triggered, I feel things like, "the world wouldn't expect x of me if I were a girl"  or "it would be perfectly acceptable for me to do x if I were a girl" etc.  This spirals into depression causing me to feel terrible that I have expectations on me because of my male sex - expectations that I don't necessarily meet.

My GID isn't really triggered much anymore. All that triggers me now (if it can even be described that way) is being stealth and being afraid I'd lose friends and respect if outed. I'm afraid I'd no longer be accepted as a man or people would behave differently around me.

Forgive me if this is too candid, Interalia, but from your posts here your GID seems triggered more by societal expectations of your birth gender. And I've had the same thoughts you just expressed since living as a guy. I don't necessarily like societal expectations placed on me now as male anymore than I did the female ones and I'm a guy. I suspect there are a lot of guys out there that don't appreciate society's rigid standards of manhood either. We just probably notice it more having lived as female.

[BunnyBee]

Mine used to be sort of like that low hum, which got louder with age, and then there were the big collapses that were definitely triggered.  Now, living as a woman, that low hum is pretty well gone and all I have to worry about dysphoria-wise are the triggered disasters.  Usually it's set off by how I see myself in the mirror or by somebody else saying something that hurts me, often not even related to gender, but once I start spinning negative, my brain always ultimately goes back to gender stuff.  It's a great way to beat myself up when my brain has that goal in mind.

I wouldn't really want to repeat the things I say to myself in that frame of mind.  Not nice.

[eli77]

Forgive me if this is too candid, Interalia, but from your posts here your GID seems triggered more by societal expectations of your birth gender. And I've had the same thoughts you just expressed since living as a guy. I don't necessarily like societal expectations placed on me now as male anymore than I did the female ones and I'm a guy. I suspect there are a lot of guys out there that don't appreciate society's rigid standards of manhood either. We just probably notice it more having lived as female.

Lot of girls too on the other side of things. I find it irritating every time someone points out that something I do is "feminine" or whatever. I've managed to accept (grudgingly) that there are certain things like the way I move, gesture, talk, etc., that are biologically driven and inevitably will be "feminine" to a degree do to the structure of my brain, but I hate the way EVERYTHING has to be categorized and labelled by gender.

I'm actually unhappy with one of the tops I bought recently because my sis said it was femme. 

So, ya, if you are really referring to societal expectations, interalia, I can't say I relate. My dysphoria is about my body and how my body is perceived, not my gender role.

[Dana_H]

My dysphoria is always-on, although it gets stronger and weaker. Sometimes, it's just a matter of looking in the mirror and getting annoyed at the beard shadow that just refuses to be covered up or scraped off. Other days, it might be a matter feeling ugly and misshapen while washing "those parts" in the shower. On the really bad days, especially when I contemplate possibly never being able to go "full-time", I find myself praying that God will either "fix" my body, or take me before I wake.

[Pinkfluff]

Triggered? That's making an assumption that the feeling of wrongness ever goes away to be triggered again.

That's a good point. It has flare ups in addition to the chronic pain of it, like tall waves on top of storm surge. Less of a come and go kind of thing than a bad or worse kind of thing.

[Felecia]

GID Thoughts that trigger that go off in my head.

Beautiful girls going down the street.  I think to myself, they are soooo lucky.  I wish I wasn't born with this wrong body, I never got the chance to grow up the way they did.

I look at my hands and wish they were smaller, or I look at my head and I think if I transition I will have to wear a wig the rest of my life.

Who would want to date or let alone marry a girl who used to be a guy.  Who would want to date a girl even if she looks cute who does not have the right plumbing.

I have only xxxxx number of years til retirement and then how will I pay for my meds, will they be covered or subsidized for being a senior?

It would have been nice to transition when younger, now I have to go for the older women clothing.

Why can't people be accepting of us for being us?

Why do guys have to beat up gays or transgender people for simply being different.  Why do family members or friends have to leave our lives when we tell then an inner dark secret we've been suppressing for years?

People say I pass, but do I really and do I look like an unattractive girl then?

Those are some of the things in my head.

Felecia

[Wes]

"You are going to die with boobs." "You will never be the man you need to be. You will go to your next plane after death being a girl and there won't be a thing you can do to stop it" I have very bad fear of dying before transitioning.

[grrl1nside]

Looking in the mirror and seeing genitals or the lack of breasts. Results in me having general feelings of disgust at what I see. Often it results in despair ("why couldn't I just have been born a girl?") and thinking it will never get better.

When people close to me put pressure on me to do things that a traditional male does, e.g. a dripping pipe automatically devolves to me, fix the house, build x or y, I either feel very upset or have repetitive thoughts about self harm (but no intent to do it).

I'll never be accepted as or even look anything close to being a female and then not even fit being androgenous or even male. "I will be a freak and it is all hopeless." Of course, this thought then slows down my moves toward full transition... I wish there was a magic mirror so I could see that it would be alright if I did.

[Stephe]

Mine used to be sort of like that low hum, which got louder with age, and then there were the big collapses that were definitely triggered.  Now, living as a woman, that low hum is pretty well gone and all I have to worry about dysphoria-wise are the triggered disasters.  Usually it's set off by how I see myself in the mirror or by somebody else saying something that hurts me, often not even related to gender, but once I start spinning negative, my brain always ultimately goes back to gender stuff.  It's a great way to beat myself up when my brain has that goal in mind.

I understand and fits how I feel. I can honestly say most days I feel no "gender issues" since I started living full time. But I still fall back on that when someone is mean etc which most likely had nothing to do with my gender. It's a great -card to play- when you feel you have been wronged. It's easy to blame all life's problems on being transgendered.

Stephe

[Stephe]

And then of coarse, everyone here probably has other problems that are bothering them too, primarily deaths, debt, confidence issues (non-Trans specific), and health issues, but those things don't really trigger GID self-image depression, which really is what this thread's about.

Of course these things do. When life throws me a curve ball, it's easy to fall back on "OMG I'm trans" thoughts when the problem is related to something else.  I've learned to realize that I do this and look for a solution to the real problem.

I can understand some people need/want surgery for some very real reasons but I don't think it should be done as a tool to gain self confidence. If someone is insecure, no amount of surgery is going to fix that and they likely will never think they look/pass well enough.

[Elijah3291]

thoughts that I usually get..

"""""I should just kill myself
why should I have to deal with this?"
I'm never going to be normal
because I'm trans.. I cant feel sex the normal way, I cant pee normally, I have to bind
this isn't fair, why did it happen to me? """"""

and my main one

"I HATE TITS, I WANT TO TAKE SCISSORS AND CUT THEM OFF, they are so gross, why do I have to deal with this? why cant I wear that shirt I saw in the store? why cant i go to the beach, why do I have to be in pain and bind, why cant I place my hand on my chest and feel my heart beating?"

[Ryno]

I guess I'll have to think this question over for a couple of days, I've never really noticed what I think. I'm hardly even sure what triggers my dysphoria, other then that nasty monthly problem I have. Which just makes me think of myself as nasty.

Another thing that gets to me is that I'll never be able to father my own children, and well, that just makes me think of myself as less masculine. But there are tons of men who are infertile. It's not exclusive to transmen so that does ease the gender dysphoria a bit,

I'll think this over for a few days and maybe post again if I've realized something else. It's a good question.

[Russ]

My GID never really goes away, but at times it is extreme and others when it is a bit calmer. One of my main times is when I am at the beach and almost all the guys are topless and have very large and well toned pecs. It kill me. Also, of course shark week.

Usually I think things like:

Nobody will ever love you because you do not have a real penis. You are not a real man.
No one will will ever date you because they will be afraid of being labeled as a lesbian.
How are you ever going to feel pleasure? You can't feel anything through a prosthetic.
I might as well just kill myself.
Nobody else has to deal with having to spend on their money on packers/binders.

[Jay.Abbas]

When the dysphoria comes, it is pretty severe for me. Now I am at a pretty blank stage, I don't feel anything, but at times I get breakdowns. What do I think? Well, something along the lines of:

I will never be seen as completely male because it is something I will not be

I will be seen as a freak and a disappointment by all people close to me

I will lose all the friends I care about if I even come close to telling them

I will be kicked out of school and never find a decent job. I will always be an invisible spot in society, about whom no one gives a cr*p about

How great it would be if I could just go ahead and saw off my chest and hips and cut my hair

I wish I could be like one of those guys I see just walking around, without a care in the world, no doubts and comfortable with who they are

I wish I could just at least shop freely in the men's section without my father talking about how it will make me turn into a lesbian, and my mother giving me the annoyed roll of the eyes and putting whatever I picked back where it was

No one will ever want to actually 'be' with me because they would not want anything to do with a man who was born a chick

I am probably batsh*t insane and deluding myself because I did not feel this way sooner


So yeah. I suppose 'cheers' is not a suitable conclusion for this post.

[AudreyH]

"You could only ever be an ugly woman"
"You'll never get curves, you'll never be feminine"
"Your face is already so bad and it'll never be feminine"
"Everyone will freak out and be disgusted by you, you'll lose everyone important to you"

Thankfully, mine is a short list. I'm new at this. I hope I don't gain any other downers about myself.

[Ribbons]

I don't ever have bad thoughts about my body or gender. My thoughts are more like the whiny "But I wanna transition NOOOW~!!" type than anything.

I don't really care what people think of me. However I do often bug out about my chest; it sucks having D-cups. 

[Torn1990]

i normally focus on my apparent ugliness when I am dysphoric.
I also have bdd.

[AbraCadabra]

Wanting to squeeze my inner essence out of this 'toothpaste-tube' of my still too male body.

Just wanting to shed my outer 'stuff' like a snake shedding it's skin.

Total frustration that I do not have a womb and ovaries!

Frustration that I am not 'flat' down there.

Looking in the mirror and seeing too much male - still.

Hair growing unremitting in the wrong places - mostly my face.

Hair being too thin where they should be lots thicker - on my head.

That's about the worst of it --- YET, I do pass > 80%, ain't THAT funny?

Axelle

[Samantha Stone]

I have previously identified as a crossdresser and now wonder if it's more than that?  Two nights ago I felt so depressed with myself and my male body.  I dispised my male parts and felt hopeless about my situation.  After a sleepless night I called my therapist and went in to talk.  I have the classic story of dressing at puberty and since my wife has died the feelings have returned with a vengeance.  if I had my choice I would be a girl for sure but at my age I thought I can just dress and satisfy my feminine self?  Now I don' know?  I look at myself and think I must be crazy.  Being non passable doesn't bother me that much as i don't feel ugly when dressed. My mind and body are just not the same and Samantha's needs are becoming stronger.  The other night When I was out at a straight bar a guy came up to me and wanted me to call his girl fried as a joke.  I refused by saying that I am no joke.  Then another guy came up to me and asked me if I had a p....y?  I got so upset and almost cried on the spot.  The bartender came to my defense and told them to leave me alone.  She has been very nice to me.  The first guy later apologized.  Maybe I should just stick to bars where other girls go?  I don't know where this will end up? 

Samantha
Ost cried on the spot

[TheAwesomePrussia]

"What's the point of transitioning? You'll still hate yourself."     

"You're probably just a lesbian in denial."   

"You don't really want to be a guy."   

"You'll be dead one day, so why even try?"     

"It's a waste of money."       

"You're a pussy. You'll never be able to give yourself an injection."

"You'll always be an ugly monster."

"People will think you're just a hairy ugly girl."

"You're just making this all up. You're delusional."



Things like that... :/   

Then I usually block everything about gender out of my mind, tell myself to stfu, or tell myself opposite things. Like, "You'll be a hot guy. Think of how much more comfortable you'll be with yourself. All the sexy guys will be staring at you." And I think about how fun it'll be to start working out and actually gain muscle.

Thoughts like this, almost every time. I can barely bring myself to look in the mirror without binding and packing, because I almost always have dysphoric episodes when I do...
And recently (my worst attack while I was on "red tide") the thought came to me, "All it is is removing the fat, right? I can do that, I have a sharp knife, I have peroxide, if I can handle the pain I'm in already I don't need anesthetics, they'll suture me if I call 911. So I can do it myself. Right?"
That ->-bleeped-<-ing scared the living ->-bleeped-<- out of me...
I just get so sick of waiting and waiting... When I get dysphoric, I want to do something now. But it's like all I can do is wait...