Thanks, guys.
My biggest fear by far is pretty much being considered 'not trans' by, say, the therapist, even if these feelings will still be there. So I'll just end up staying like this and feeling like gagging every time I look into the mirror. A phase? Well, I am thinking. I had no reason to think I am a boy then. Of course, what was the difference between men and women, anyway? I didn't care. I was too busy fantasizing of cloning dinosaurs.
I did think I was going to turn into a boy around 7. But it was nothing major, and now I definitely do not remember what my reaction to saying that was, let alone the reason I even said it. I just made a serious face and told my mother and grandmother that this is what will happen. 5 years later I got a nice little bloody 'birthday present' and I couldn't stop crying over it, because it felt downright wrong. I didn't want it. It felt like some violation of my body or something. Cr*p growing out of my chest, the hips, everything was some sick joke. Still is. So, after that, I was furious and resorted to wearing more stereotypically male clothes to, perhaps, 'cancel out' what was going on. And then I found out about gender identity disorder.
It was kinda like a wake up slap in the face. I was literally staring at the computer screen in shock and wondered whether the author of the article had telepathic abilities. I found out that I could become a boy, and so plunged into the immense world of research, reading and watching almost everything there was to read and watch. It was great. I was both fascinated and genuinely felt that it related to me as well. Until my mother made one unexpected remark and the confetti dropped down. That was precisely the moment I began to obsess over whether it was a short phase and began to doubt myself, even though the discomfort became stronger.
I also suspect that this is just the beginning, to be honest. Sometimes I try to think, what is even the reason for me wanting to be a guy? What's the point? I'll just stay a girl and pretend to be a butch lesbian, as a form of 'insurance'. After all, what are the chances of me losing my job if I am just some girl dressing up like a tomboy versus a pill popping 'heck knows what'? Again, do not be offended. You know as well as I do, this is what the general population thinks of transgenders... I always get this happy jolt in my stomach when someone tells me 'you look like a guy' or 'gee, you're such a tomboy' or whatever the hell else. I really, really like that. It is as if every time someone makes such a remark I am a step closer to something. I persistently scare myself and think negatively but it is definitely not helping.
And as far as finding a gender therapist goes... my parents will not be happy, my grandparents will get heart failure once they find out, and I doubt it'll be easy to find one in Moscow. So I talk to myself instead.
