IA's Q&A: Did you have a negative relationship with your same-sex parent?

[Just Kate]

In an effort to enable me to open back up communication and to learn more about our shared experiences, I plan to create a few new threads regularly with simple, direct, questions.  Feel free to answer as succinctly as you wish so as not to hinder communication (basically I don't want anyone feeling they have to write a book - I'd rather just hear from you even if it just a few short sentences).

Did you have a negative relationship with your same-sex parent?

My father was abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically.  My mother disliked him, but could not afford to live without him financially.  He often exemplified traits I hated or grew to hate because of him - elements of masculinity he constantly saw the need to attempt to bestow upon me.   I was never good enough for him, a sissy, a wuss, gay, weak, emotional, feminine.  I grew strong because of his intensity though and actively resisted him in nearly all things by the time I moved out.  Often my dysphoria was triggered in adolescence by the thought that when I grew up, I would be like him!

[JungianZoe]

Not really.  More a relationship of ambivalence.  He wasn't anyone I looked up to, but he wasn't someone I hated.  I just wish he had stopped his wife from abusing me, and I hoped all my life that he'd get over his divorce from my mom and stop saying nasty things about her every chance he got.  I also could have done without him telling me I'd always be a failure if I didn't stop talking to my mom.

All my life, he made me feel like I was forced to choose: him or my mom.  I refused to make a choice.  But when I transitioned, he made the choice to remove me from his life and didn't even have the guts to tell me (though it's not like I got to come out to him; my stepsister took care of that for me because she thought it was wrong I didn't tell my dad and stepmom before everyone else).  He simply stopped taking my calls without reason.  I only found out the reason because my ex-wife told me.  My dad and stepmom remained friends with her in order to spite me, a fact that even my ex now acknowledges.

My response?  Well, my last name is now that of my stepdad, my mom, and the brother and sister who love me.  Guess I made a choice after all.

As for my sperm donor (who I try not to refer to as "dad" anymore), good riddance to bad rubbish.

[Lisbeth]

Did you have a negative relationship with your same-sex parent?

No, I had a great relationship with my mother.

[Just Kate]

No, I had a great relationship with my mother.

Perhaps I've mixed up the current definitions of sex and gender.  Perhaps I should have said, "opposite gendered parent" or "parent who shared your birth sex"

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

i did when i was pretty young. i resented him alot, and didn't like him touching me or anything like that. i feel like my relationship toward him is crystallized the way it is, except i just get along now that i'm older. my mom is still the one parent i feel close to.

[MarinaM]

Perhaps I've mixed up the current definitions of sex and gender.  Perhaps I should have said, "opposite gendered parent" or "parent who shared your birth sex"

I almost thought the same thing, but your question can easily be construed as "birth sex."

No, I love my father, and I have a better relationship with him than I do my mother.

[Arch]

Yes. I did. Now I have no relationship with her, which I much prefer.

[justmeinoz]

Not much of a relationship at all really until just a few months before his death, my father seemed to be "absent", even when he was around.  At least we did start to understand each other a bit.

Karen.

[Sam(my)I am]

Did I have a negative relationship with my father?
To say the least it would be a yes, but it's more like a distaste then hate and I wouldn't say it was always negative but it was never sunshine and rainbows sprinkled with gumdrops  =_=.
My father always thought I was to "soft" and not driven enough, to make things worse I look like him in a lot of regards so when he saw me being "soft" he saw himself being soft. He is one of those pungent macho men as well, did football and wrestling and eventually entered the military, don't get me wrong I think all those things are swell if you do them for yourself but he seemed to do them because he thought "I'm a guy and I will act like a true man.".
So it seems he wants the same from me, but I don't care for those things I love books and chess. It's not that I don't do "manly" things its just I don't get the same enjoyment from other activities.
I love him for being my father and caring about me (even if he can't display it well) but I have come to terms that he won't accept me and don't try to expect him to.
In short its a strained loving relationship but has not in any way effected my thoughts on who I am.

[x_momoXpanda_x]

if you mean birth sex then, my sperm donar wasnt in the picture long enough to remember my name really (i've seen how he spells it recently its completely wrong spelling lol) as for my dad(stepdad) we've had a rocky relationship, i mean we love eachother but when i was a kid he wasnt very affectionate so neither was i(now he is and calls me pet names most dads calll their daughters its kind of annoying but atleast hes trying lol) for starters i refuse to call him dad because it makes me uncomfortable because he never asked me to call him that so i always called him by his first name but that doesnt make him any less important to me. as for when everything came to light he was not happy with me at all and like i've said before he would just introduce me to people by my first name not even a "this is my child" which pissed me off at him for a year atleast...and it challenged his beliefs definitely but now everythings peachy for the most part he introduces me as his daughter and all that so its all gravy ^_^ lol as for my mom she already knew it was going to happen by observing me when i was little (since i was born basically) so it took her some getting used too but we never had any issues with eachother.....and as close as we were before we grew even closer. I love my parents to death and i feel very fortunate to have them in my life

[~RoadToTrista~]

No I have a great relationship with my dad. My mom is the nutter.

[Miniar]

Did you have a negative relationship with your same-sex parent?

Nope, I've got good relationships with both my parents, always have.
Mum, for example, is brilliant!
She's so awesome she's a legend among my peers.
She's a driving instructor.
She knows how to ride a bike.
She knows how to fly a plane.
She's smarter than me.
She's kind.
She's fair.
She's an incredible parent giving just the right amount of discipline and a seemingly endless amount of love.
She and I get along wonderfully.

My dad is a bit of an ass, but not in a bad way.
He challenges me to think and do more than I would otherwise.
He loves me even when he doesn't understand me.
He doesn't hold his prejudice against me.
He and I set each other off and end up having loud debates with each other. Loud, not angry or hostile, just loud. Both smiling like idiots too!
(And we tease each other and stuff too.)

[Julie Marie]

Growing up I feared my dad.  But as I got older I realized that fear was instilled by my mother.  When I got out on my own and established myself, I became much closer to my dad than my mom.  My mom kind of checked out as a parent when she found Jesus.  I think that was in the mid '70's.

My mom was more of a friend.  My dad was a parent - a counselor, a cheerleader, a part time cop, an adviser, a rock and a great friend.  Of the six kids in my family, only me and my sister (#2 & #5 in age) see him this way.  My other three sisters still mock him when his name is brought up (he died in '96) and my brother usually joins in.  Any conversations about my mom, though rare, are usually unemotional.

[Eva Marie]

I had a 'narcissistic' mother (google that term) and a dad that was weak and codependent and enabled her behavior. Combine that with me not being a traditional boy (quiet, bookworm, not athletic) and i think my dad just didn't know what to do with me. He did try from time to time to man me up and often made fun of my high voice and other things that he didn't consider manly enough, but it didn't work.

Meanwhile, my mom was emotionally distant, controlling, and manipulative. Her opinion was why use kind words and encouragement when a snarky response was available?

The final straw came when i got married; mom did everything she could to wreck my marriage and almost succeeded.

Now they are old and frail and i think that they are regretful of their past behavior. We're not really close and i have not forgotten the past, but i have made the effort to create a somewhat working relationship between us. One day they will be gone, and i do not want to have any regrets when that day comes.

[Tamaki]

My relationship with my father wasn't perfect but I could count on him to be there when I really needed him. He saved my life on one occasion. I think I confused him a bit but he told me that he was proud of me and that I grew up to be a good person. To bad he's not alive I think he would have eventually been my best ally.

[bojangles]

Yes.

[Annah]

No. My father was an awesome and hard working man who always found time to be with his children.

My dad was very funny, always had no problems making new friends and keeping the ones he had.

He was also involved in sports and I grew to love Baseball as he took me on a 2 hour drive every so often to watch the Baltimore Orioles play.

The only thing I wish was that he was still here. He took celebrex for arthritis because his hands would hurt a lot when playing Golf. The doctors concluded the Celebrex killed him. He was 49 and he literally died in my arms. My step mother never has to work again because of the settlement.

My relationship with my father was very loving.  My only regret was he wasn't alive to see my transition. My mom always told me jokingly, "your dad would have smack the palm of his head against his own forehead and say 'oops.' (im tech physically intersex with different "parts" mom and dad decided on male as the hospitals back in the 70s were not too keen on letting a baby leave the hospital in that "condition")

[Annah]

No, I had a great relationship with my mother.

Internelia meant your birth or birth assigned sex.

[Lisbeth]

Perhaps I've mixed up the current definitions of sex and gender.  Perhaps I should have said, "opposite gendered parent" or "parent who shared your birth sex"

Perhaps I'm offended by your idea that GID is "triggered" by an abusive father and over idealized mother.

[Arch]

Perhaps I'm offended by your idea that GID is "triggered" by an abusive father and over idealized mother.

I'm confused. Where do you see that?