I cant remember having a relationship with the person who fathered me. For me he always was the unhappy man who lived in the same house as me. When i think of him i just get the feeling of being inadequate ind i remember his aura of unhappiness, emptiness, grey and coldness. Its obviously very hard to describe for me....
A strange story about my picture of him: some years ago i saw him again, mainly because my grandfather had gotten so demented he forgot about the code of silence in my family and spilled the beans bout my existence to his new wife. She, not my father made contact and so i saw him for the second time in about 20 years.
He was in his mid 50s and apart from grey hair he looked younger and more vital than i remembered him from 20 years ago. Like a real life dorian grey.
I am not a child for him, more a living, breathing remembrance of bad times, as it seems. He knows he failed me when i was a child. The 2 hours i spent with him in my childhood home he gave a perfect picture of a bad conscience mixed up with fear i could start talking about old times and ruin his image he has built over the last years...
However, for me father means an empty space. There is nothing i would want from him, nothing i had to say or he had to tell me. We are strangers who lived in the same house a very long time ago. He seems to do now. Good for him.
And please, dear psychologists do not simplyfy me as having failed to identify with an emotionally inavailable father figure and trying to be like mommy instead. That bitch was life threatening. My experiences with her were in fact bad enough my idea of feminity and woman was tainted in a big way. Mtf with a deep ingrained distrust of women bordering on misogyny. Sounds like a jackpot, doesn't it?
