Planning transition without knowing(answers)??

[SarahLynn]

I know the title is a bit odd. I was having problems describing an accurate topic. So here goes.....

I started college recently after many years in the work force, and now it seems the damn has broken. I have been having thoughts and feelings that are really old and/or completely new. Looking back I realize that this is the first time I haven't been under enormous stress or in "survival mode", so self exploration is now possible. My gender confusion has affected me so much that my school work at the end of last semester was suffering as a result.

I started doing research online and reading forums , such as this one, to compare my feelings/history with others. I know that no one can tell me whether I truly need to transition or not. Now it seems that I am coming up with a plan for transition even though I haven't truly answered the question. I am hoping to start counseling soon but planning around my transportation limitations may be challenging.

I hope I expressed myself well enough for someone to understand what I am trying to say. I would just really like to know if anyone else experienced anything similar.

My world is on its head at the moment.....everything is taking on new meanings (especially some of my most favorite songs). I find myself wanting to talk to my family about what they can remember from my childhood(to see if they noticed anything I was unaware of). Unfortunately most of my family is either not on good terms with me or not really around much when I was younger.

Ugh....well I think that is enough randomness poured out of my skull for the time being.

[JessicaH]

Sounds like exactly where I was in September. It was a process of really accepting who I was and what I needed to do which lead to an almost obsessive drive to absorb as much information as I could about transsexualism and transition and trying to calculate my chances of passing and being accepted into the female world.

I still know what I want and what I need to do but at this point I'm kinda geting burned out on so much of my brain being dedicated to it. I can see now why once many people can totally pass, they just move on to live their life in the gender of their choice.

[Preston]

I can totally relate to this. Over the summer I tried to kill myself because it just got to be too much. The whole "wanting to get married and have kids but not being able to because I'm gay and why do I have to be gay and not normal, etc. etc. etc.". Now that I've come to accept and love myself for who I am I feel MUCH better.

Good luck to ya.

[Tamaki]

I sound a lot like me a well. Once I wasn't in survival mode, which for me was having my sleep apnea treated, I had to deal with it. I was even on hormones before I was sure I would transition.

[SarahLynn]

Thanks for all your responses. I consider myself to be a logically minded person and so jumping to the solution without having worked the problem is so counter intuitive. Hopefully, I will have some progress figuring things out soon.