freak

[jillian]

 I feel like one.
Yeah there are days when I feel beautiful, and please dont give me that ->-bleeped-<- about beauty is on the inside. We all know what the hell I mean.

Im tired of playing stupid therapy games when ever I discuss something like fear, or inadequacy.

Im sick of people coming at me half ass and making excuses for why they dont seem genuine.
Im fed up with being on a strict freaking diet so I can stay skinny, but if I let go and start gaining weight then I get depressed over that, even though piggn out feels so goog.

Im tired of wasted hours at dr's office only for them to give me antibiotics but say they dont see anyting wrong with me, even though I feel it.
Im sick of beautiful trans girls rubbing it in how much they pass, but then whinning about looking like a man. ->-bleeped-<- off, I can chocke a grizzly with my forearms and hands,  of course I stand out in booty shorts and a tank top

I am sick of being called sir, man, dude, bro, whatever the ->-bleeped-<-ing nouns are that people use to begin or end conversation with a male.

I am tired of people saying I am cute when its blatantly ->-bleeped-<-ing obvious that I look like a freak.
I am ->-bleeped-<-ing cursed, and I am also sick of the people who say I deserve it.

I really hope I do have ->-bleeped-<-ing throat cancer so I have a way out.

I just cant keep this up much longer.

I cannot live as a "man" but being only trans is not cutting it.
I just want to be a real girl damnit. why the ->-bleeped-<- does d->-bleeped-<- have to be so ->-bleeped-<-ed up. I need a way to be happy without having to struggle so damn hard.

Im seeing, supposedly, our areas best gender therapist, but it seems as if she just wants me as part of some trans army so I can prove to the world the diversity around trans folk.

Im paranoid, Im hypochodriac, Im in constant pain from working my life away, yeah it pays well, but now I have to pop pain pills just to not hurt. Marijuanna works good, but then I get munchies and I eat a box of cereal like last night and wake up 3 pounds heavier.

what can I do. his mornning feels hopeless, plus I think I am sick.  I want to know everything will be ok.
It doesnt feel so.
I feel like there is demons on my trail, and they are enveloping me in a living hell.

My spouse says she loves me and will always be with me, but I can sense her doubt, I can feel her confusion in everything she says. Yes that is normal, but lying isnt. Not that she is a liar, but its more like she is convincing herself. Its not easy when you have trust issues to have people all around you act like you are a novelty, or a side show.

People always tell me how wonderful of a person I am, but they dont seem to want to be in my life.

My own spouse chastizes me in public if I et anxiety over the way people look at me and want to leave.

I feel like a slave to everything.  I really just want to be taken from this earth. my soul needs to be free of this struggle. I cant keep fighting this anymore.
Please someone tell me how can I keep going

[Kayla]

I hope this helps

I feel the same way sometimes. I'm 22, senior in college, work nights loading trucks (where I'm still not out, and I plan to quit before they know) where most of the money I make goes to classes (I can barely afford the transitioning I'm doing). I've been living as close to full time as possible for the last month. I have become a persona non grata to many (and thankfully not all) of my old friends, my family is acting supportive while not being so, I've only had 1 session of laser, and have only worked on my voice for about a month.

So being full time in college is daunting. I try to show up to class early so as to avoid a lot of people walking the halls between class. I feel like everyone looks at me, one person on the first day kept staring at me (ugh), even Thursday a couple of girls sitting behind me were laughing. I could hear bits and pieces of their conversation and it wasn't about me, but I still felt so self-conscious. Then I had to meet with a professor after class, and I know he's trying and I didn't take offense, but he used male pronouns a few times.

Walking to class another thing. When I walk I feel that I'm walking like a guy which makes me feel like a man in a dress and I get so scared someone will then see me because of my fear and call me names. Even sitting in class is a self-realization exercise. If I sit staring at the floor everyone will notice me, but if I keep my head up they may recognize me/realize I'm trans. Then being in class is a series of mental anguishes as I was  the student to speak up and answer questions, but due to my voice I'm remaining quiet. Made even harder by the fact that the class generally doesn't know the answer (keeping the Professor waiting a minute) while I do.

I feel like a freak right now. Even if I'm not getting negative attention, I feel like I am. I look in the mirror and I see an ugly women. Friends are supportive, but that doesn't change how I perceive myself. I feel like I can't go anywhere alone for fear of being victimized, can't speak to people, and just generally limited by the decision which are in my best interest.

In all honesty the only thing keeping me going is the though that it is always darkest before the dawn. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get so much better.

[madirocks]

I know exactly how you feel Jillian. And, speaking about my trans issues with the doctor, or watching "trans-friendly" movies just makes it worse for me.

I haven't even started my transition yet, and I know it'll help me to feel better, but I still feel like a total freak. It doesn't help when the people being supportive are saying "so long as you only go on hormones, it's okay." They then go on to get mad when I explain side-effects of hormones. Doing anything to be myself helps me to feel better, but than I feel guilty and even more like a freak afterwards. And the macho pronouns??? Imagine being in the military! The music you listen to, the clothes you wear, the movies you like all put a title to who you are when it comes to the military. Along with several days travel via plane to any family or friends, and no local support whatsoever. Hence "one girl army." I feel like I'm at war with myself and everyone else here, but so far I'm losing.

I too was hoping for some other medical disorder that would just rid me of my freakish problem. Nope, that won't happen. So the therapist says, "your brain is female, but you're not. Nothing you can do will ever change that. You should be happy that you have an opportunity to be yourself." That's great, but I don't want to be someone else's problem. I don't like being a burden.

The problem is we worry too much about what others think rather than what's best for us. Am I a freak? Probably, or at least that's what society says. I'm trying very hard to convince myself that I'm not a "freak" and really that's the only person I must convince. Those that really love you will be accepting no matter what. However, it's going to take some time, and maybe even some serious heartache.

What can I say to convince you to keep moving on? I have no idea. But, I will tell that after many many years of hiding, and trying to convince everyone else that I'm a completely normal person, I'm done. The  what people think! I refuse to live a life in agony and fear because of what other people think of me.

[Janet_Girl]

I can totaly relate, Jillian.  It is hard sometimes in early transition.  But I can say it does get easier as you go along.  Like many of the girls who have gone before, we all go through that period.  However we do get to a point that we just fit in, and hardly no one will ever not see any thing but another gal.

One of my classmates now know my past, and her reaction ws priceless.  "OMG. I would have never know."  Gotta love Brit, she is a really buddy.

When I first saw the title, I had but one thought.  If one has to be a freak, then be a ....


j/k

[Torn1990]

   Yes it is hard right now but try to see your body as a canvas. I'm in a transition, it's not a slide show of perfect changes, this transition is a slow, gawd damn slow as a sloth transition. And in that slowness I take steps back and get frustrated but I stare in the mirror a lot and make small improvements that can actually diminish the pain.
The happier I feel, the better people react to me and some times the compliments I receive actually feel genuine. I am not one of those perfect trans women. I am quite flawed and the reason I keep going is because I have support from my boyfriend, which I worked to find and accept, and have found a path to take that is completely my own. Our body is a canvas, and we hold the paint brush. I feel proud to be seen as trans, and I believe becoming proud of it is what makes the difference. Being normal is vastly overrated. I wanted to "just be a girl" for a long time. But trust me, it's bull ->-bleeped-<-, unrealistic, and just digs a deeper hole to bury yourself into.  The truth is, we are girls, and society's version of "female" is stupidly damaging and problematic. It leaves no room for us trans folk, so we have to make our own room. Otherwise, would you rather end up looking like those oblivious trans women you speak of or become something you constructed completely on your own?
Try something new. Find your own path.
Yanking yourself out of this slump will be rough but ultimately you need to reach some form of acceptance to begin a healthier transition that *will* make you happier. Or at least make life worth living so we're not always so concentrated on our appearance.

I leave you with this pretty lady,

[AbraCadabra]

Hi babe,
well thanks for your full blown 45 gun broadside hammer of a rant.

What you seem to be on about is more just about LIFE, never mind trans-life.

Now what frigging idjet told you it was easy, eh?!

Well, it fecking ain't, and believe me not only for you --- actually for ALL of us, tough cookies!!!

You got to learn one thing now, and that is to live your life in spite of all of this, Miss Perfection.

Want to know a secret? We all do just THAT --- so long we did not decide for the BIG checkout.

You far too smart and attractive (Gorilla arms and all :-) to do such a stupid thing. People NEED you as much as you need them.

Get a life, get some arse in your nickers, and start to cheer up despite adversity.

Your ancient broad (oldest on the bock, mind you!)
Axelle

[jillian]

when I feel safe, I feel beautiful, yet in my safe places it is very difficult to relax.

there always feels like some unspoken of tension within the relationships i have in my life.

Ive always had trust issues.  Right now it really feels like I cant go on living as a man, as now I know my truth, and Ill never be able to live as a girl because I feel like I stick out.
Ive always felt that way though, and I made myself fit in by doing everything to the machoest. That way even though I stuck out, people recognized my excess.

Now I stick out and I have no means to exagerrate my greatness, I mean, I have a manly physical disposition. The only things female that I can pride myself on are my diet, and my mannerisms. Both of these are hard work, which makes me feel like I am a fake.

Like right now I just smoked my medicine. I havent been partaking, but I was in a very dark spot and felt it was necessary. Now all I want to do is eat a fruit pizza lol, that is where I will find comfort, but then when I weigh myself I will feel uncomfortable.

The thing is, before accepting my gender identity, everything was normal. Well it felt normal, the only difference was my compulsions and my desire to be female....really it was a yearning that kept intensifying through my life, until it got to a point that I couldnt even look at a woman without feeling so much despair about being born male, I wanted to kill myself. This is when I realized without a doubt I was transgendered.

Now I am 4 months into my transition, and my world is rocked.

Somedays are lovely and some moments are terrifying. It feels like very hard work to become female.  I work hard all day wearing out my physical strength and mental acuity, and thats just at work. I come home and my emotions are attacked. Be it dog piss on my bed, mixed signals from my spouse, lack of worthwhile entertainment on the tv, nothing seems mentally stimulating online, and what people there are who actively engage in relationships with me, it feels like I have way to high of expctations, and I cant reciprocate the chracteristics in these relationships that I expect to receive. 

I am ->-bleeped-<-ing losing it.  There is no way I can go back though.  Its like I picked up a big giant crystallized shard that represents my soull, and I shattered it. Now Im trying to pick it up, but the light that is refracting from the many different pieces is blinding me, making it difficult to see all the different pieces. Im left feeling around for pieces in light so bright it might as well be darkness. 

I appreciate this vocal exchange. I feel way to guilty to burden my spouse with all this. Even know she will read it. The weird thing is I feel like she is going behind my back to understand me. This makes me close my mind to her a little bit... It feels like my parents spying on me.

I should be able to spill this on her, but then she just gets hurt and it takes away from what I am feeling.  Like I wind up feeling guilty for my feelings because the person i love the most becomes hurt when I speak of them. so i balll it up within, and then i dump it here or on tumblr or i take it out on right wingers on facebook in very unintelligent conversation.

[AbraCadabra]

Babe,
your meds (pot?) will make EVERYTHING so much MORE. You know that, I know that, we know that.

The key thing I get from your follow-up post is your issue with TRUST.

Listen! Trust may NEVER be conditional! It IS a decision you make! It is the handing over of you to the person you give your trust! It is the same with love.

It is like hanging out of a bus and the person you trust is driving it. That is a tall order because it ALWAYS entails, contains the possibility of getting hurt.
And life has no magic catch-net for you in this case.
Consider it a growth experience if someone abuses your trust --- but NEVER withhold your trust because of fear of rejection. Also learn to FORGIVE, don't forget to include yourself too.

Just a little free something out of Axelle's bible, hon.
Think about it and see what comes up.

And don't forget to put some ass into your knickers over it all :-)
A girl needs a can! Hey!

Hug,
Axelle

[azSam]

I get these thoughts ocasionally. But then I think to myself, "Who the hell cares?! I'm the happiest freak in the world!!" - and it's true.

[jillian]

maybe thats where Im wrong. It seems like ive been able to find or feel trust.
ive been hurt quite a bit, and ive grown a very protective shell, it is within this shell that my life began to bear fruit.
its very hard to drop that barrier.

as far as the pot. i used purple kush, its actually lessened my crisis, but i ve been eating cookies
right now im just trying to not care. im going to pig out this weekend, partially because I have a cold, and i think all my work, diet, and exercise has drug it out.


last night was horrible.
i actually enjoyed the company, but the feelings that i got and the looks that i caught were making me want to vomit.
i felt like everythng was spinning and no one would really take me seriously. thanks grls, my sinuses are clear from all the snot running out my nose, and my eyes are well lubricated. I havent cried like that since the abortion.     

[Lucy O Connell]

i personally have been in your situation but i ended up losing the girl, basically i tried so hard to fit into the male role for my girlfriend it almost killed me(literately) but in the end i decided i was going to be me and my horrible thoughts stopped, my life was so much better and i just told her and she ended it, and while losing her was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life a few weeks later i started to feel something i hadn't felt since i was 16(was 28 at the time)(I'm 29 now), it was happiness, i felt so alive that i was able to be me and nothing and nobody will ever take that from me
           yes we feel sometimes that we look male but this is NOT a transgender problem, this is a female problem, you ask any woman and i will tell you that they hate how they look, which only proves even more you are a woman, people go for surgery all the time even cis women do it, so in the end you gotta think, I'm going to live my life how i want and anyone who doesn't like it can gtfo because that's how i feel right now.
           I'm sick and tired of doing what others want, it's my time now and I'm going to be me and if you can't accept it then that's your problem not mine, and ofc yes i have days where i feel like ->-bleeped-<-e and wonder if I'm doing the right thing but you know what, i go have a shave, put on makeup, throw on my wig, walk out that door, go the cinema, buy myself a ticket and watch a movie and giggle away to it on my own, this is my way of saying I'm me and i love being me, and in the end if you keep at it, I'm sure you will eventually think this way too.
           I've not started hormones yet but i feel like a girl and i know i look good, yeah i hate my voice and i know people pick up on it, but people will come and go, in the end you're the most important person in your life and in 1-2 years you will be getting surgery and you will look beautiful, and you will feel great and you will love being you, so treat yourself every so often just for being you because you are wonderful and special and people will love you when you're the real you.
famous quote don't know who from but if you can't love yourself first you can't expect others to love you back, so love yourself and be you xx

my thoughts lucy xoxoxoxo

[Amazon D]

Please someone tell me how can I keep going

stop focusing on yourself.. put your focus on others in need. I have been where you are and it will keep adding up to a life of hell.. go seek others in need and help them.. your lucky to have someone .. i have been single my whole life but i don't complain anymore because i stopped focusing on myself and well if someone wants me then that will be a blessing..


count your blessings not your downfalls

[Whitney]

I think this is rather appropriate. Got me to tear up no problem.


You are beautiful, you are loved, you are good enough!

[eli77]

I am ->-bleeped-<-ing losing it.  There is no way I can go back though.  Its like I picked up a big giant crystallized shard that represents my soull, and I shattered it. Now Im trying to pick it up, but the light that is refracting from the many different pieces is blinding me, making it difficult to see all the different pieces. Im left feeling around for pieces in light so bright it might as well be darkness. 

You have a very symbolic way of thinking... I do it too. It can be rather... unhelpful for really bad situations as it tends to take things to an extreme that doesn't in the end reflect reality. I'm glad you are writing this here, getting it OUT so it can't sit and rot inside you and make you worse.

Yes, it's bad. It's horrible. And it hurts like all hell. But it can and will get better. I can't preach patience, because I have none myself - the waiting was (and is, for the parts I still need to fix) absolutely vile. But eventually it does end and you are just YOU.

And you aren't crazy. It really does suck. It would suck for anyone who had to go through what you are dealing with. That it is making you miserable is a sign of sanity not insanity. You are ALLOWED to be unhappy some of the time.

But you WILL be okay. Remember there is a long line of women (and men) who have gone through this before you and survived.

Every day you are still breathing, you need to pat yourself on the back. You are transitioning - and that IS hard work. Really hard. But you are brave and strong and clever (and not a bad writer ). You'll make it through.

[jillian]

I just wanted to say Im doing much better.
Thanks for all your kind words and wisdom.

However, my anti stressing consisted of four gourmet pizzas that werent so great
purple kush and homemade sugar cookies with strawberry cream cheese frosting. (i ate them all. I used 3 sticks of butter to make them)
Yes, I gained 8 pounds today lol

I guess sometimes a girl has to let go. Its still hard to believe that I will ever be accepted as female.
It just is not bothering me as much.

Thank the stars for love and kush.

[Graverobber9]

I feel like a freak too. I'm trying to go out as a female and Lord knows I don't pass. Going out as a guy is even more painful (as I experienced a day or two ago). Hopefully I'll start growing numb to all of the stares and weird looks; they won't be going away for a while.

[A_Dresden_Doll]

->-bleeped-<- me! Thank you for this thread. I totally feel like a freak. All the time.

I hate presenting male, but it seems like it's even more awkward to present female. I feel like that side of me has been raped and destroyed. So what the ->-bleeped-<- do I do?

I'll be honest, it's nice to read someone's honest frustration with all of this. Ya, ya, I know people say this part of transition is the hardest, but knowing that doesn't make it suck any less.

[LifeInNeon]

Your first post summed up a lot of what I've felt lately. I have friends I can fish for compliments from so easily that all I have to do is send them a frowny text. I love them but sometimes I want to smack them and say, "Seriously. You wouldn't f--- me with someone else's p---- so who are you fooling talking to me like that? If on your scale of 1-10 I break a 4, I have to question your judgment and thus your value as a sounding board, because other than some damn flattering pictures there is no angle at which I don't look like a guy."

But of course, I can't push them on it because they do care and I care about them. So I take the compliment in the spirit it was meant.

It does help. And it does make me feel better even if in the instant it stings more because I know it's not true. And I appreciate that they care enough to try to encourage me. Not everyone is good for brutally honest feedback.

But I am also sick of this in-betweenness

[Kelly J. P.]

At times I feel like a freak. Mostly, it's a feeling of seperation from humanity, but it's also a feeling of being broken, or unmade, and trying to live life anyway. I can only repair some of the damage - I will always be broken.

Which sucks. But being a freak at least allows me insight and inspiration that few others will ever have. And that's a precious gift.

[JessicaH]

I think many of us feel like this at times and it just seems to go with the territory.  As high as the checkout rate is for the TS crowd, I'm surprised it isn't higher. I haven't experienced much sting from transitioning yet but I know it's comming and I expect to loose a lot but gain a lot.  The looses will still be bad an at some point I will have to quit pretending that I'm "him" and step out into the world and that is terrifying.

Jen posted this on another thread today and it stuck with me all day.

‎"I need you to go back to living a miserable existence. I want you to lose the will to live. If it kills you, well sorry, but you make me uncomfortable and I can't abide it."

I hope things turn around for the better for you, very soon.