What to do with my wife

[Medusa]

Hi, I'm in bad situation.
We have strife with my wife yesterday (and many times before), she refuse my transition and everything and call me selfish.
We agree with compromise, I can be on HRT but I must present as big strong father of family. Other possibility was to present more femine and be without HRT, this I can't accept because without it I'm really disgusted with my body. Last possibility is to pay them some flat and let she go there with children. But I don't want to loose children.
I don't know what to do and I'm miserable.
I even let she to bring one of her friend (also mother with small children) to live with us in hope they will hang together and I'll have more freedom and time to myself.

[justmeinoz]

Difficult situation.  All I can do is offer a sympathetic virtual shoulder to cry on and a hug. 
Are there any local support groups you can turn to for help?

Karen.

[SarahLynn]

I'm sorry to hear you are having problems with your wife. You said that you two came to a compromise. Which did you choose?
If none then have you really compromised?

Is it selfish to want to know who you are? No (seems a bit counter intuitive I know). Everything in your life is enriched when you know and honor who you are.

It is always difficult when children are involved. How many do you have and how old are they?

How recently did you come out to her? If it was very recently she may just need time to wrap her head around what you have told her.

I hope that you and your wife can work this out.

Best wishes. 

[Medusa]

I choose to be on HRT but I must present as big strong father of family.
I have 22 months daughter and 6 month son.
I was telling her about my situation at least year and half but she never take me seriously until I start with hormones and even now she say that it is just my freak and it will come over and I will be sad from I was doing to my body.
Even when I tell her to come with me to therapist she refused it.

[Ann Onymous]

She has a valid argument on the issue of selfishness.  Too often, the transsexual forgets that there are other persons affected by the decision to transition or even just begin HRT.  Wives generally married a husband...they did not enter into the relationship to be with another woman.  And the matter gets more muddied when there are children involved...

Whether she gets beyond her initial anger (which is basically what she has to do- go through the stages of grief) is dependent upon the person in question...as is the question of whether the relationship is irreparably damaged.  Even if she gets beyond the initial anger, there is bound to be another flare when she realizes what HRT does to your libido and functioning.   

At some point in time, it is entirely likely that you will have to make a choice on whether to continue as a father in a committed marital relationship or whether you will divorce, hoping to retain at least partial custody of the children.  It is unfortunate, but that is likely the two paths that are in your near future...

[SarahLynn]

I am sorry to hear that 

I understand you concern about possibly loosing your children.

Aside from your gender issues does your wife take your feelings seriously?

You are absolutely NOT a freak!

I don't know you or you wife so the following is only conjecture and my personal opinion.

Your wife is afraid to loose the man she married and so her reactions seem to come from that. I'm sorry she won't go to the therapist with you. Is she at least talking with someone/anyone about her own feelings? This is a lot for some people to wrap their head around. My wife was afraid that I might be gay since she dated a young man who "came out" while they were dating (for example). Perhaps your wife has something in her past that she hasn't (or won't) deal with that has amplified this issue for her.

Communication is the best (and sometimes only) defense in these cases.
Do you know what your wife is feeling right now? (deeper than just her reaction)
We need to remember our choices affect others and sometimes in ways that we had not anticipated.

My advice is to talk to your wife about her needs/feelings (not necessarily about your transition), so you can show her that you still care about her needs. This may lead to a more stable "foundation" so to speak from which you may be able to handle your transition together.

My heart goes out to you both. I wish you the best.

[SarahLynn]

I agree with Ann.

Her point seems more eloquently put then mine

[Diane Elizabeth]

          Sorry for your predictament.  Eventually you will have to decide between your transition and your family.   I fully understand not wanting to lose your kids.   I waited until mine were fully grown and pretty much on their own.  But I lived with my decision more out of ignorance then any intelligent decision on my part.    You will have to eventually decide what is most important.  Hide and have a somewhat happy family or be yourself as you see you should be.   If you are not going to transition then why go on hormones?  there are so many questions for you to answer within yourself.  I hope you find a good therapist to help you in your journey.   Remember that you have friends here to offer a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold and encouragement when you need it.   We do want to hear of the good things too. 

[Sara Jayne]

I am pretty much in the same boat. The wife is totally against the whole transition idea, and I've certainly decided to go down that route and I'm just awaiting appointments at the Charing Cross Gender Clinic.

My children are 6, 4 and 2 - I have tried to explain to our 6 year old about daddy's plans, initially she seemed excited about the prospect of having 2 mummies (however my wife put her thoughts across stating that she would prefer me to be Auntie Sara to the children)

I spoke to my counsellor at my support group, she was not happy at all, saying that it sounded like the wife was trying to take one of the kids parents away from them.

I hope Charing Cross can give me some guidance and answers to some of my questions.

I am still married at the moment, but I'm pretty certain divorce will come along at some point.


Sara Jayne
xxx

[Robert Scott]

That is a tough situtation.

Honestly, it took months of counseling for my wife to get to the point she is at.  She is using my male name and male pronouns.  She is unsure about hormones but we are making strides.  My counselor is a hetrosexual cisfemale.   My wife has more than one occassion had private apts with her and broke down and cried.  There is a grieving process.  I hope you can get her to go to counseling.