I am a woman, not a man who wants to be a woman.

[LivingInGrey]

I was having a conversation with my S.O. the other night and we had come to the point where I had asked her how she's viewing this?

She said I was a man that wanted to be a woman. /jaw drop

I thought I had made it clear several times to her that this was something that wasn't just "la dee dah I'm a man and I'm happy... oh wait... I want to be a woman now"

She said that even if I was intersex or 47 karyotype (xxy syndrome/Kleinfelter's Syndrome), I would still be a man because I was marked male on my birth certificate and as such if I transitioned to be a female I would be a man that turned into a woman. I told her that if I did transition I would have the right (and would be obligated) to change my marker on my birth certificate, but that didn't change her opinion.

I can honestly say it hurts to think that no matter what I do I will be 'a man that turned into a woman' in her eyes.

Any ideas on what I could do to keep from feeling hurt by people who just can't see it the way I do (female brain stuck in a male body).

[Kentrie]

Just think about how ignorant they are and just ignore them. You're a woman and if they don't see that then that's their problem. It's not your fault you were born in the wrong body. It doesn't matter what a birth certificate says because it's just a piece of paper that has male on it because that's what the doctors saw when you were born.

[Hikari]

I don't understand your S.O's reasoning. Sure, legally you would be going from male to female, but that is hardly the same thing as "being a man". I understand your frustration, I have told my wife several times now, that while I was raised as male, and therefore may have a different perspective than many, I never really was a guy, I didn't even really socialize properly as a guy, so I honestly have no clue why they do this or that. I think she gets it now though.

I would also think that perhaps reminding her that a birth certificate is just a piece of paper, that is fully amendable (in most countries/states/provinces). It has no more of a legitimate hold over reality than any other piece of paper does. After all, I could get a piece of paper and write on it that I was a unicorn, it wouldn't make it true, even if a doctor or the government put a stamp on it, it wouldn't be true. So what makes what a doctor wrote when you were born any more true? It is only as accurate as the doctor understood the situation at the time, nothing more nothing less.

I wish I could give more advice, but I really don't know what to say to deal with people like that.

[Rabbit]

This is just me... each person is different in how they think about things...

I lived 28 years as a guy. Before I knew about transitioning, I considered myself a guy. Sure, I wasn't like guys I knew... but I was a guy. I wasn't "really a woman", I can't just say none of that existed and I wasn't mentally, physically, and socially male.

After starting hormones and deciding on what I wanted to do... I stopped thinking of myself as a guy. But I also can't really think of myself as a female.

So, I think I just identify as trans (apparently all my life). A type of person who evolves at some point during their lifetime into a new perception of the self and social adaptation into another gender than which they were born. Basically, at one time I was male, at another time I will be female... I don't think having been male at one time invalidated my female side. A butterfly was once a caterpillar, does it make it any less of a butterfly?

Being "trans" won't make me less female than "cis females" when I finish transition. It simply describes the gender boundry I crossed at one point.

So, basically, if both of us... with very similar things happening... can't even agree on if we were once male or not.... don't expect a "normal person" to instantly accept things It is perfectly normal to be confused with what is happening and the terms to use or how to think about it. Give her a break, all that matters is you are what you are... the rest is just semantics... does it really matter if you were once male or not?

I leave it for each person in my life to decide for themselves how to think about it... it really doesn't affect who I am now.

[30kps]

Excellently put, Rabbit. I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm early on, pre-everything, but I think I have the same view as you, insofar as not necessarily always considering myself female. Everyone is unique, so we all have our own spin on things. As long as you are you, labels don't matter so much.

[AprilAero]

what I believe is as transpeople we are not the gender we were falsely born into but the genders that are brains are , our brains paint a more accurate picture of who are more than genetics do or then what is between our legs. Its what is usually in our brains that describe our true gender.
The saying is that anything that is worth having does not come easy. Everything that I have overcome empowers me it is one the best feelings someone can have.

you are not a man, you are a woman , if your SO can't accept that you are gonna have to move on to prevent her from dragging you down, it just would not be a healthy relationship.

[kristin?]

Mind over matter

[MarinaM]

I had this mini discussion with my employer, they briefly said the same thing. It stings a little, but I don't think I really care how they put it, I just want my rights.

[Super Amanda]

 While I don't personally know you, I feel like you are getting the fairly standard "SO treatment", as I call it. My ex did the same thing to me while we were together. I think sometimes SOs just are always going to be that way.
The other day when I dropped our son off to her, I asked her, as nice and sweet as I could, to "Please stop using male pronouns on me".  See, I have custody of our son, and he calls me Mommy now also. We call her "Mommy number 1".I understand that she could have feelings that I'm trying to take her status from her, or trying to disavow my fatherhood, but she refuses to even talk about it at all with me. She said "You're a man, and you always will be".

I've been on my own with our son since he was 3, he's now turning 8 in a couple weeks. She disappears for months at a time, never has him on the weekends when she's supposed to, and makes no effort to call him on a regular basis, so yes, even before coming out I have been his mother and father. I don't even say things like this to her, because while I don't love her, my son does, flaws in all, and I would never hurt something my son holds dear.

This is relevant, I swear! My point is that what is the definition of a woman? To my ex, I have to be able to bear a child, I suppose. But there are reasons why cis-women cannot have babies also, are they any less of a woman because of it? I think that she knows I'm a woman, but due to pride,she'll never admit it, and I think she takes some pleasure on telling me "you're not a woman", because she knows it hurts me.

[Amaranth]

I think that she knows I'm a woman, but due to pride,she'll never admit it, and I think she takes some pleasure on telling me "you're not a woman", because she knows it hurts me.

I was in a similar situation not too long ago.  A huge deterrent to my thoughts of transition was my ex.  She's pansexual, but she still saw transition as something she couldn't tolerate.  I had to hide half my clothes and only dress when she wasn't around, and she always complained about the effeminate side of my personality.  She ended up not seeing me as a "woman who was a man", but simply "not a real man", and she left me for someone who apparently was.  I spent a long time trying to suppress it even further and spiraling downward as a result for fear of rejection.

Lesson learned:  Don't let anyone define you, no matter how much you value their opinions.

[Steph]

I was having a conversation with my S.O. the other night and we had come to the point where I had asked her how she's viewing this?

She said I was a man that wanted to be a woman. /jaw drop

To be fair you did ask her how she viewed this and she told you.  She is being honest and telling you how she feels.  It hurts sometimes but at least you know where you stand.

I thought I had made it clear several times to her that this was something that wasn't just "la dee dah I'm a man and I'm happy... oh wait... I want to be a woman now"

She said that even if I was intersex or 47 karyotype (xxy syndrome/Kleinfelter's Syndrome), I would still be a man because I was marked male on my birth certificate and as such if I transitioned to be a female I would be a man that turned into a woman. I told her that if I did transition I would have the right (and would be obligated) to change my marker on my birth certificate, but that didn't change her opinion.

Regardless of what you think your rights and obligations are, you are not going to be able change the way people think.  As my husband often says - "What people think of you is none of your business"


I can honestly say it hurts to think that no matter what I do I will be 'a man that turned into a woman' in her eyes.

Any ideas on what I could do to keep from feeling hurt by people who just can't see it the way I do (female brain stuck in a male body).
[/quote]

[justmeinoz]

More to the point, how does she feel about continuing a relationship with you after, as she sees it, you actually do turn into someone who others will generally assume is a woman?

Unless she can honestly say it won't make any major difference to the way she will feel about you, it is going to be painful for you both.

Karen.

[Hikari]

...Don't let anyone define you, no matter how much you value their opinions.

This is really the message that I think many people, myself included really need to get through their heads. It is sometimes hard to me though, but I know at least that I shouldn't let anyone define me.

[LivingInGrey]

More to the point, how does she feel about continuing a relationship with you after, as she sees it, you actually do turn into someone who others will generally assume is a woman?

Unless she can honestly say it won't make any major difference to the way she will feel about you, it is going to be painful for you both.

Karen.

This is something we've had conversations about this entire week. Though she's been helpful with trying to help me feel more comfortable (like taking me out bra shopping) she's still showing resistance to how far she's willing to let me feel comfortable. She's also trying to convince me to talk to someone outside of her about this. She's said either anyone in her family (which they all support me from what she says) or invest in a professional.

She's made it clear to me that if I choose to start on hormones and continue to take them to the point of losing my masculine smell and appearance she would not be able to guarantee me that she could maintain an intimate relationship with me. She just can't identify as a lesbian and has never in her life felt the desire to have a relationship with another woman. She even said with out my telling her it's possible that given time, taking estrogen could change my preferences in companionship and I might feel that having that kind of a relationship with a female 'feels' inappropriate.

She has said that she understands how I feel about my life and my current situation, but to her after spending 12 years with me as a man she will always see me as a man that turned into a woman. She said she would be more then happy to start calling me by a different name and start using different pronouns for me if that's what I wanted but no matter what I do from here on out, I was to her, at one time a man.

I think that's going to be the hardest part about going forward with a transition. To my family, friends and coworkers (those that don't excommunicate me) that have known my past, I will be the man that turned into a woman.

"What people think of you is none of your business"

If I do transition I'm going to have to repeat that to myself every day.