Feeling a little scummy about my 'dating' life

[GentlemanRDP]

So, I like girls, I'm throwing that out here now - but I'll say that I'm also...well, some people have called me bi-curious, and I simply say that while I like women, I've been known to be the type of guy who can admit when another man is absolutle gorgeous. Does that make any sense? I hope it does.

Anyway, with this being said, here's my situation.

I'm twenty-one years old, and back when I was in high-school, I was extremely shy, and I was also a 'girl,' There was this guy in my 'group,' that I hardly ever talked to, and I didn't even know he existed for my first year of school. He was one of those 'friend of a friend...of a friend..." sort of people, and I never really interacted with him directly. Then...when I was...nineteen or twenty, he found me on Facebook and started messaging me, he asked for my number and I gave it to him, and we've been texting on and off ever since. He's a pretty nice guy, and I like the conversations that we have together, we have a very unusual humor when we converse with one another - but I enjoy it.

There's been a few times where he's asked to meet up with me, but 'conveniently' something always comes up - and by that, I mean that I've been avoiding seeing him. Why? Because I can tell that he obviously has the hots for me. I can't for the life of me figure out why, if we knew each other better - then I could understand that. But I don't really see how attraction can spout from almost exclusively internet and texting interaction. It just doesn't make sense to me logically. Eugh. I think too much, even though none of my thoughts are particularly thought-provoking. But anyway, in short, I've been avoiding meeting him, that's all that you needed to get out of that paragraph / run-on sentence.

Lately though, he's been texting me a lot more, and we chat through Facebook while I'm at school, and last night, we decided to meet on Monday at 5:30 at a local park. I figure, why the hell not, right? I'm a little nervous about it though, because this will be the first time that he sees me in 'boy mode,' and I really don't want him to try to convince me that this is 'wrong' for me, that...and I don't want him to think that just because I'm meeting him, I'm going to let him down into ladyparts land *Gag*

This whole thing just feels strange, and I feel sort of ->-bleeped-<-ty...because I realized that I said 'yes' not only to get him off my back, but because I already seemed to label this as an 'experiment,' I feel awful thinking about this as some kind of way to get more dating experience. I love women, but right now, I'm not attractive to them apparently - either that, or the ones who like me or all lesbians and then I tell them I'm trans and they run. It seems like the only shot that I have at dating is to go with guys, and this one doesn't seem to mind the fact that I'm trans, we talk about it frequently, and he hasn't tried to talk me out of it yet. It doesn't help that I took a sociology class last semester and seem to be justifying that it's fine to date around with no intention of going any further because it's vital to development essential social skills that will be useful when I'm really looking for my dream-girl.

Gah! Honestly, I'm just confused, I needed to vent a little, and see if anyone has feelings similar to this.

[Da Monkey]

Hahah 'ladyparts' land. pukeatronic eh.

Yeah I can see why you're in a strange situation. You feel like you're not sure if he's feeling that way about you because he sees you as male or not.

I remember around when I first came out as trans I went to a party with some people. They all knew I was trans and called me Jay the whole time. The guys got me to play Gears of War and drink lots of beer with them and were treating me like a buddy. It was obviously an awesome feeling and I needed it since coming out.

But then I got really drunk and well hahah made out with practically everyone at the party - including the guys.

In the morning I felt really odd hahah I was wondering, maybe they liked treating me like a guy to game and drink with them, and then act like they treat me like a girl so they could justify the rest, or maybe well we were all ->-bleeped-<-faced and it didn't matter what happened.

I also remember going out drinking with some guys and I was wearing a packer. One of my friends bumped into it by accident and later asked about it when we were drinking. Then the more drunk he got the more he started like stroking it under the table. Hahah. And he was really straight. Makes no sense.

I guess that doesn't give you much advice, just thought I would share some weird stories.

Are you pre-T? I think if you have a deeper voice and facial hair or something it might hit him what transitioning really means to you (unless you don't plan to go that route then maybe even just seeing you in 'boy' mode might be enough depending on how different you looked before. I didn't look much different until T, that's why I say that). Anyway, good luck with it, just give it at try anyway and see which direction it goes.

[GentlemanRDP]

Yes xD I can't come to terms with calling it anything else .__.;

xD Very interesting stories indeed, thanks for sharing, the idea of a straight drunk guy stroking your packer under the table made me smile.


I've been on T for four months, not a lot has changed yet,
But my voice has dropped and I do have some facial hair, and a few other things like that - but nothing really noticable. Plus, he's seen my Youtube videos and so he sort of knows what's going on, since I've been recording my transition.

Thanks for the support though! I appreciate it!