So I just need to rant a bit (which is okay I guess, since a lot of people seem to do that). My boyfriend has heard enough of it and he's got his own gender related problems at the moment. And I'm tearing myself up a bit.
Situation is.. I'm 21 years old. I've been studying woodworking/capentry (not sure of the right word) for two years now, meaning I just started my third year. First year started out okay, could be worse, but I managed. Got along with most, not really special with anyone, but it was alright. I've always been different (not just guys clothing but also my dreadlocks) and on the whole people are very nice at school.
But halfway the first year I got some problems with going to the toilet. Thing is, our school is split up into two parts. You've got the furniture and wood section, which has 90% guys. And the interior design section, which is 99% girls. All the guys are cool and fine, but the girls give me the creeps. And apparently I give them the creeps, 'cause they seem rather narrow minded. And, girls being girly girls, they flock together and seem to spend more time in the bathroom than in class. So if I were to enter the bathroom, minding my own business and just walking straight on to the loo, they'll fall silent, giggle and voice their questions. ('What?' 'Huh?!' and sorts) Meaning I have to keep myself from running out and/or force myself to go out when I'm done instead of waiting for them all to leave. (let alone the laughs and talk when you've entered the toilet and locked the door.. as if the thing is soundproof..)
Now that was hard, but still, I managed. Sort of.
Then I found out about genderdysphoria and the whole story 'round it and I've been busy with it, very intensely, for almost a year now. Being at internship for most of my second year helped a lot, but now I'm back at school. And I will be with and exception of 10 weeks. For the past few months (especially in the holiday) I've been presenting as a guy. I pass well enough (especially if I'm just walking past, ask the girls in the school toilet..) and have been passing fine for the last two months (at least). Wearing my binders for about four months now (two at internship and two in the holiday) and 'vie been wearing my packer for a bit less than a month. Loving it all and feeling great.
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Now for the real rant I suppose.
School started this week (introductions anyway) and I have to be a girl again. The people that know me are fine, the students in my class that I don't know yet are a bit tricky, it might take a while before they figure out that the girls-name on the list is me, but even that's okay. But I have to use the wrong bathroom again! I had enough trouble with the toilets for the past 1 to 2 years, but this is terrible..!
Last Monday, it wasn't busy at school and I was pretty sure most of the girls weren't there (again, introduction stuff) but still. When I got myself to admit I really needed to pee, I got up and I just get like small (and sometimes a bit bigger) anxiety attacks. Just cause I need to take a leak!
We have this unisex toilet but I think it's for the handicapped, but apparently it's locked on normal school days. (we don't have any handicapped people at school) So I got another wave of anxiety knowing I really had to enter the toilet now. It took me over 10 min for my hands to stop shaking and my heart to calm down afterwards.
I'm fearing I might black out or scare myself out of my wits if I can't hear anyone in the toilet and someone turns out to be there after all!
The idea of living through this for two years is scaring me so much that I'm thinking about coming out. Something I really don't want to, 'cause that would mean coming out to almost a hundred people. Not just people, but students, youngsters. Ageing from 18 to 28 (with 75% of 'm being younger than 20). I can't 'just' come out to my class, 'cause that would mean I'll run into all the other guys I know in the toilets.
My option now is, to ask if there is a chance of them opening the (or one of the) unisex handicapped toilets. The only thing that's stopping me from asking, is the fear that they'll say no. But I'll probably ask 'm anyway rather sooner than later. I'll just have to wait for the year to properly start, 'cause all the teachers are way too busy now with everything.
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Sorry for the whole story, but there's a bit more.
My mind is getting terribly confused and my dysphoria is going insane now. Cause I'm 'forced' to being a girl again at school, while I was very happily portraying as a guy. I'm binding less now, so I'm not completely flat. (haven't worn a bra yet, it hurts too much) And I can't wear my packer. But at the same time, when I'm at home or in the weekend, I bind normally and pack from morning 'till late at night. I almost feel like I'm feeding the pain with binding and packing in the weekend, but at the same time I know it'll make me sad if I don't.
Anyone know what I mean?
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I'm off to take a shower now. I'm very sorry, but I don't feel like re-reading the post if it all makes sense and sorry if some sentences or words are very crooked. English isn't my native language. For now, if you've read the whole thing. Just, thank you, for hearing me out.
