So, I'm in a really tricky situation. I don't even really know where to start. I met this person online and as I've gotten to know them have really fallen in love. I love everything about them. About a month ago they started really getting serious about transitioning, finally being able to admit that deep inside they were really a man (and in a lot of ways had really been living as one for awhile). I support this transition 150% I can already see how much taller and more confident he is. I'm concerned about a couple of things though...when we met, we both identified as lesbians...so this is definitely raising a few questions for me about my actual orientation, though I really don't have a problem seeing him as male (at least not conceptually...he's still very early in his transition...only really decided to affirm his true gender about a week ago)...I still think I'd consider myself basically a lesbian, because for the most part I'm physically attracted to women. It's really doing my head in a lot of ways...I definitely have some degree of dissonance about the female parts of his body (like his breasts, as nice as they are, and as much as I like them, look totally out of place to me...at least on him). I don't really know what I want to ask...my head is really jumbled right now. OK, so. I love him as a person...he is the most amazing person I know...I love so much about him...he thrills me and makes me feel safe in a way I never knew was possible. I guess my fear right now is two-fold. He wants to start T, ASAP. I am torn on this. I am concerned about his health and what impact the T could have on it (he has treatable liver disease, and is waiting for treatment for that)...as well as some heart problems. I'm 8k miles away right now...and I don't want him getting really sick (or worse) while I can't be with him. At least that is one reason I've come up with why I don't think T is a good idea...much deeper though, I think I'm afraid of what changes could happen to him physically once he starts the T, and that I wouldn't find him attractive any more. I don't mind him doing T (in fact, I really want him to, because I know how much it'll mean to him to have a deeper voice and the ability to have facial hair, and to need to shave)...I just really wish I could be there for it, so I could walk through the transition with him and be able to watch those changes happen more gradually vs having to watch from a distance. I know this is all about him...and I really think this is great stuff he's doing...I just also really don't want to lose him, because we both mean so much to each other, and I know how much it'd kill him if I left.
tl;dr version: My MtF partner (who I am madly in love with) lives 8k miles away. He's just starting his transition, but is really anxious to get T. I am worried about him starting now a) due to health reasons and b) because I'm afraid of how the physical changes he'll undergo could impact my feelings for him. I really wish he'd wait until he can get treatment for his health stuff, and until I could be there for all of it with him. Is that a really selfish feeling to have?
