Help help help

[eirrac]

I'm a heterosexual female who has been dating my boyfriend, J, for over two years now. We were childhood best friends growing up, and now are very much in love.

I found out a few months in the relationship that he had suffered from gender dysphoria for most of his life and two years earlier had spent about 6 months beginning to transition (MTF), but decided against it just prior to starting hormone therapy. When telling me this, J assured me that it was all over, and having had no experience with the issue I believed him. Things began to build over the years, as J began to dress in female clothing (again), wear makeup, and occasionally switch into a female alter ego. J is often depressed and has relied heavily on me for support for most of our relationship, which I am happy to give but honestly have no idea how to help.

Currently, we are having issues because J is simply not happy with himself, yet doesn't want to transition fully, preferring to show only me his female side. It puts a lot of pressure on me to adjust my sexuality to encompass all of these aspects of J. I am not an advocate of rigid gender roles by any means, but I am heterosexual and would not be happy in the lesbian relationship that J seems to want with me. We are so confused and heartbroken at the prospect of breaking up, but I want him to do what he needs to be happy independently of me.

Please, please help.

[Cindy]

Hi eirrac,

I'm so sorry to hear about your problems, they are extremely difficult to face. Ok Im a 50 year old MtF and I have been married for 29 years, but my wife knew about my GID before we got engaged and though not happy about it we continued the relationship. We have no children, I'm infertile as I was effectively castrated as teenager, by people who raped me. I had and have very little interest in sex. Sadly my wife is now seriously disabled and lives in high dependency care. I love her deeply. I'm now transitioning.

My wife and I lived a great life, I was able to be Cindy whenever I wished, which was often, however i could not go 'public' I know live publicly as Cindy.

I just wanted to say that to get a perspective.

I knew I was TG when I was a child and came out to my parents when I was 13. It didn't go well. I was 'toughened' up  to be a man. It failed. When you are TG there is no cure, there is no restoring your maleness, it doesn't exist in anything but hope and desperation. This site is full of 'men' who have tried to be manly, had a family and in the end the horror . It is also full of 'women' who tried to be female with same disastrous results.

There is nothing nice, fair or pleasant about being transgendered or transsexual, there are a myriad of terms. They mean little. I'm a woman with birth defects, I have testicles (of sorts) and a penis. I do not have a vagina, ovaries and a uterus, nor breasts. I would so like to carry a child. It is my biggest regret.

Sadly I think it unlikely that J can be anything but J. I would say that she is totally terrified.  She has gone as far as trying hormones, there in no way that I can ever see her not going forward. to being MtF. She is relating to her female side again.

You really need to think about yourself. What do you want out of life? You describe yourself as a heterosexual female (J may be as well). If you want a man, family and a traditional relationship it is, in my opinion, unlikely for someone such as myself or J to give it to you. You really need to consider if you want to be married to a 'man' who will continually want to act as feminine as she can, keeps pushing the boundaries, including the possibility of being suicidal and/or chronically depressed.

Before you go anywhere in this relationship get a consult with a gender therapist, J can go by herself or both of you together. Be ready to be hurt in a very emotional way.

I'm so sorry to post such awful comments. But I have to be truthful. I also realise I have always referred to J in her feminine pronoun. Ask her how she would like to be addressed.

You can always pm me.

I'm sorry

Cindy

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Hello eirrac,

I found out that my spouse wanted to transition about 6 months ago. It was terrifying. But I started to ask myself how much I truly love my spouse and it was too much for me to leave her. We have been married for 6 years and together for 9 years. She has been on hormones for 4 months and is EXTREMELY impatient about the ending results. I am here to support her and am not mad at her in any way. She needed time to figure out what being transgendered meant and finding me and falling madly in love with me did not change the way she born to be.

You can do research on this and it will help you understand what trans folks are going through. My spouse calls me her angel!! I adore that!! We did freeze her sperm just in case we do decided to have a child down the road. My biggest hurdle I am still trying to get past is having a baby. For some crazy reason, I am torn between my love for my spouse and a child. BUT I have found that to me at least, leaving my spouse because she could not provide me with a baby would be like leaving someone due to financially needs or I don't know if that made any sense BUT what I mean is that my inner being of my spouse is what keeps me supporting her. She does go through massive depression at times and she is on the road to transitioning but it is a slow one for her.

At first, I didn't understand what transgender was, so I did research, I then realized that my one and only needs me more then ever. Before her transition like one month before I got pregnant!! Crazy ass timing I would have to say. My spouse was pretty suicidal and was emotionally not ready to be a parent. We terminated the pregnancy at 10 weeks. I gave a part of my soul away, but am working through that with our therapist. All and All we both made a great choice and we have sperm being frozen just in case down the road...

You have to look at what you want in your life. I never considered myself a lesbian, I like the term Heteroflexible. I love my spouse too much to let her walk this path by herself. In turn, it will help our relationship all around. If you would like you can PM me as well. Follow your heart that is what I am doing. Oh and I have my sad days too.