I'm So Freaking Scared and Angry and Sad

[A]

Sorry for the lack of updates recently; I haven't gotten myself to make a real post.

I really need help right now. I'm scared and almost panicked. At my last appointment with the psychiatrist, even though I was sure I'd have plenty of time, I didn't have time to talk about the most important - trans - issues with him, because I had decided to talk about my ADHD first, since school was about to start. But it was already urgent that I talked to him... Now, it just sound like it's too late. Catastrophe has happened. You can bury the dead.

I started begging for transition two years ago. I was forced to stall. I started seeing the "specialist" psychiatrist this January. Still haven't been able to talk seriously about transition with him. He keeps directing us away at stupid-ass things like my so-called personality disorders.

Even when I started seeing him, I was still in the lucky tray. But since last June, puberty has hit another spike, even though I'm already 20.

Beard has doubled. Estimated cost: additional 1000$ electrolysis. But that had already started.

Since the start of the summer, these terrible, suicidal-state-inducing changes have occurred at a frightening speed:

My Adam's apple, whilst small and almost invisible before, is now huge. Estimated cost: 3000$ for a tracheal shave. DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE EVEN ONE THOUSAND?!

Voice broke. Yeah. I was lucky, right? Still a girl's voice at 20. Well, it's broken. My hopes, destroyed. Songs I used to sing beautifully two months ago are in an ugly falsetto. I can't stand to talk anymore, so I just shut up. Every words feels and sounds like crap, like an utmost failure of my whole self. Estimated cost: ->-bleeped-<-ING INVALUABLE x1000.

Hair on the top of my head has thinned enormously. Estimated cost: ->-bleeped-<-ING INVALUABLE.

Rib cage has grown a lot. It was already too big. I know because I need a lot of strength to pin my arms WHERE THEY ->-bleeped-<-ING BELONG, on my waist. Estimated costs: ->-bleeped-<-ING INVALUABLE.

Libido has increased tenfold, to my greatest dismise. Estimated cost: my happiness daily.

Aggressivity has increased tenfold or more, and it's 100% outside my personality. Estimated cost: my happiness daily.

My right hand is taking on a frighteningly masculine shape, with all bones, joints in particular, thickening hugely. Estimated cost: ->-bleeped-<-ING INVALUABLE.

My skin is getting really thick. Estimated cost: discomfort with every movement.

Muscle strength and size is just going up like there's no tomorrow. Estimated cost: my happiness daily.
---

What the hell should I do? Someone bring me a time machine or something. I can't believe my body is self-destructing so fast. One season and it's a nightmare. Is there some way to cancel recent changes?

WHAT CAN I DO? I have an appointment with my family doctor on Tuesday, but how can I convince her? She'll say it's not in her juridiction. How can I convince her I need a ->-bleeped-<-ing anti-androgen prescription YESTERDAY?

Waiting for my next psychiatrist appointment is out of question... IT'S IN ->-bleeped-<-ING NOVEMBER.

I want to cry, but I think it's the androgens' fault I can only growl in rage. I wanna sue that psychiatrist's ass so bad right now. I want a hug.

[~RoadToTrista~]

*glomp* <^.^>

I know how it feels A, just relax it'll go down.

[Tyler]

Honey. I want you to stop and take a LONG breath. I want you to reread your post. These things can't happen in just a couple of months, and the things you listed are odd. Your right hand is changing shape because it is used the most, if you are right handed, then you use it for everything. Therefore the muscle is building up. I highly doubt the adam's apple has changed any. I used to think my hair was thinning until one day I decided to measure my hair line, to eyebrow. It wasn't, in fact it wasn't doing anything. Practice your voice as much as possible, although I am pretty your voice already has set in a long time ago. Pleas Please Please take a breath and relax. You can't run before you walk! <3

[A]

Road:
What will? My brand new super cool Adam's apple? I doubt it. My voice? Probably, very low. Either way, I don't think calming down will help.

Tyler: I know it's hard to believe, but I swear it's true. My hair has thinned a lot. I see it on my hair brush, and my mother has confirmed it was much thinner up there. My voice, it's not a question of practice... It was close to perfect a couple months ago. Now the same notes are out of reach. And two weeks ago, it was better...

Sorry I'm so mean; I'm trembling right now.

[~RoadToTrista~]

Road:
What will? My brand new super cool Adam's apple? I doubt it. My voice? Probably, very low. Either way, I don't think calming down will help.

Well it does, it helps a lot. The more you stress about it the worst it will feel.

[8888]

Why self-medicating shouldn't be discouraged. Psychiatrist = absolutely pointless proffession.

[eli77]

A, you just have to find a way to see someone else instead. Is there no way you could get to a proper clinic in Montreal? This psychiatrist has been torturing you for months now. ->-bleeped-<- him and his useless idiotic waste-of-time technique. You need to see someone who actually will give a ->-bleeped-<- about you, and HELP you transition rather than just getting in your way.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, hun. At least know that there are girls who successfully transition at ages many years older than you. I know it doesn't help with the androgens driving you nuts (I can totally relate to that, they were hell), but the truth is you are still really young, and have every chance to have a smooth transition if you can find someone who won't just jerk you around. And yes, the majority of the changes you described are still reversible - skin, muscle, even bone since you aren't out of puberty yet.

Wish I could offer a real hug, but this is the best I can do  .

[foot_lover_jess]

Please dont stress as much, there are things that you can do right now that can make youself feel better about your image.
A good lotion can soften your skin.
Practice your voice, remeber even a womans will change.
Wear things that make you happy.

[AmySmiles]

Reading your post made me want to cry.   I remember feeling very similar around your age because that's when I started getting all the nasty changes too.  Is there an informed consent clinic in your area?  If not, try your best to convince your doctor, but if that fails I don't know what else I could recommend, at least within the rules of this site...

[A]

Some people have contacted me with self-medication offers. I should say that:

-I've done a quick search, and I'm almost sure laws are much more severe in Canada and overseas shippings of prescription drugs is most probably not possible through normal means. I'd have to resort to the same people that import cocaine, which is not safe at all.
-I have been warned that the whole system would abandon me if I ever resorted to self-medication: no prescriptions (so no more insurance paying 70% costs), and no recommendation for surgery, which means I'd have to go overseas and pay for it (which is an extra 10 000 if I include the plane)... Might I say that my annual revenue is not much higher than 10 000$ BEFORE food and the apartment?

Moving on, I've had a night (or rather, half a night and a morning...) of sleep and panic is gone, I guess. Sadness and deep annoyance remain, though.

I think my best chance is to try to convince my family doctor that treatment is urgent. The last time I told her about the problem was when she referred me to the psychiatrist, and then she had said she couldn't do anything, that it wasn't her job. This can't be much more than a convention, since I really don't see why she'd need the psychiatrist to prescribe at least finasteride and spironolactone...

I've always been ESPECIALLY bad at conversations, and even more so when I need to convince people. I swear you've never seen someone as bad at this as me. I'd immensely appreciate it if you had tips, techniques, ANYTHING, basically, to hope getting something from her... I can't just come in looking distressed; she'll tell me I should just calm down. Also, seeing the disbelief even the people here expressed, I'm pretty sure she'll think i'm exaggerating and imagining things, that I couldn't have possibly had all these changes in such a short time...

People have been telling me about clinics in Montréal... Well, I know there is at least one private clinic at Montréal, but that's 5 hours away from here. I would either have to move or take several trains/buses over week-ends to get there, which is expensive...

[foot_lover_jess]

If your doc is a psycologist, they cant do meds, you need the other one... I just went thought that. One gives meds the other does nothung more than chat.

To be more relexed and able to convince the doc, accept yourself, accept that you will transition, and try a different doc. Some are just bad or thing that TG is something that can be "fixed".

Id hate to say that you are exagerating because I know those changes come fast, but the perception of them would be faster, and worse because they are so unwanted. You feel as though your going away from where you belong. Youll be okay, you will be femme, you will be happy. Remember that women always think they have fat asses and are just fat when they arent. Its perceptions and personal interpratation of the changes.

I can say that some of your changes will be fixed. You are early enough to get a good chest, minimal facial hair, hips. Your also still young and it really does take many years to become masculine, its not an overnight process and just trust that you will start your transition before too long.

[A]

Acceptance has been behind me for two years.

My doctor is a family doctor, not a psychologist.

[foot_lover_jess]

Well, accpet that it will happen, you will transition and if she refuses to understand who you are and what you need, then its time for a new doc.
But relax and understand that you will transition. You have your entire life ahead of you.

[BunnyBee]

Can you ask your family doctor for a Propecia script for thinning hair?  At least that's something.

Also since these are new phenomena, there is a good chance many of them may reverse if you get on HRT relatively soon, meaning within a year, maybe two.  I don't have any scientific backing for that other than my own experience.  My jawline started squaring really significantly as I approached 30 and I got on HRT soon thereafter and, in spite of people saying bone structure doesn't change after your early 20s, it reversed itself almost completely and I have a mostly soft facial profile again.  That was only true for the jawline, which was newly masculinized, and not for any other bone structure anywhere else.

[eli77]

I've always been ESPECIALLY bad at conversations, and even more so when I need to convince people. I swear you've never seen someone as bad at this as me. I'd immensely appreciate it if you had tips, techniques, ANYTHING, basically, to hope getting something from her... I can't just come in looking distressed; she'll tell me I should just calm down. Also, seeing the disbelief even the people here expressed, I'm pretty sure she'll think i'm exaggerating and imagining things, that I couldn't have possibly had all these changes in such a short time...

I really wouldn't suggest looking distressed. I'd suggest the opposite - try to seem self-assured, together, and relaxed. Don't beg, but be very polite. If she says she'll consider it, thank her profusely for her help. I'd suggest starting by saying that you are having a personality conflict with the psychiatrist and you'd really prefer not to keep seeing him (she should interpret that as "he's an ass"), and ask if there are any other options. If she can't provide any, or if they are impossible, that's when you move on to could you prescribe for and monitor me? It would help if you have some knowledge about the doses, and how the whole system works, standards of care, etc. The more you can impress on her that you know what you are doing, and really all you need is the script and some blood test monitoring, the more likely she is to help you out.

It also depends on what kind of prior relationship she has with you. Does she generally respect you, and think you are decent person? The better her opinion of you to begin with the easier it will be, otherwise you'll really be working up hill.

But in the end she could still just flat out say no, and you'll have to look at other options. Getting scripts out of GPs that they don't like giving is a tricky business. Oddly enough, the less desperate you seem, the more it seems like just a little favour, the better your chances. They generally don't like getting involved in anything serious that's outside their expertise, but if it isn't serious...

Good luck!

(Also. if you could get in touch with one of the clinics in Montreal and ask how many appointments you'd need for a HRT assessment, that might help. Explain you are a ways away, and there are no good treatment options in your area. The two gender therapists I've seen - in BC and Ontario - refer for HRT after only 2-3 appointments.)

[A]

Her opinion of me? She thinks I'm a child with a lot of trouble getting in time at appointments. She thinks I have worked hard to make my life better. That's all I know.

As for clinics in Montréal... I've searched a bit, but the only thing I find is the surgery clinic... Also, closer to me, there's supposedly an endocrinologist with a lot of trans experience in Montréal - that's who my psychiatrist is supposed to refer me to when he feels like it - but I don't know his name...

Ugh, I suck at searching.

[MarinaM]

I walked straight in, told my docs I'm a girl, and talk about my RLE while waiting out the Soc timetable. I address nothing else with them until transition is over. Don't be scared to demand treatment if you're ready.

[findingreason]

Heya,

I know exactly what your going through. A couple months ago I was almost at a point where I was gonna start transition, I scheduled my appointment with an endocrinologist, and when I got to my counselor for the letter....she stalled the whole thing. I was devastated. I become very depressed for quite a while following. In addition, the endo was the gatekeeper type; I had seen her before and she insisted on playing out the social role first, which was a HUGE problem for me because I do not pass yet. The anxiety of looking that out of place would only make matters worse.

What did I do? Next time I saw my counselor, I basically made my point extremely clear that I'm doing this with or without her help. And I followed through on that, and began researching and researching till I found a doctor that did informed consent on hormones. This doctor took on a very different approach and after speaking to her for 10-15 minutes she said I was a good candidate and now we will be getting things going in the near future.

This all did not come without a ton of struggle, pain, and dark nights wondering if I would EVER get through my life like this. What I learned from it all: if one thing does not work, keep searching until you find something that DOES work. It's hard, yes, but if you want to DO it, you WILL find a way to make it a reality. You can pull through.

I don't know if there is much I can do to help, but I am willing to help you search for providers in your area, feel free to shoot me up a PM at anytime as well.

[JungianZoe]

I walked straight in, told my docs I'm a girl, and talk about my RLE while waiting out the Soc timetable. I address nothing else with them until transition is over. Don't be scared to demand treatment if you're ready.

That's pretty much what I did too, only I let my fingers do the marching beforehand.  My therapist sent me a life history questionnaire that she could read before my first session so that we didn't have to spend billable time on mundane details that had nothing to do with my reason for therapy.  Not exactly known for my brevity, I sent her eight pages in return.

So on my first session, I opened up about all of my frustrations and let her know that I was ready to get on hormones so I could stop stressing about testosterone damage.  My second session, I told her that I had an honors thesis to write in the next two months, I had to research graduate programs and apply, that I had another class, worked about 35 hours per week, and really didn't need the weight of testosterone damage on my brain while I did it.  She smiled and calmly said, "Sounds like it's time for a letter."  I concurred enthusiastically.

Make your thoughts and concerns known, and don't let up until they see things from your point of view!  As much as you may be screaming inside, be sure to remain calm so they fully understand that this is a rational and thought-out decision you're making.  You don't want urgency to be read as irrationality, because the last thing you want is to provide ammunition to the thought that you just "need more time to think things though."

[jillian]

Im sorry.  Maybe you should sue the psychiatrist. What you are experiencing is personal bias interferring with a serious issue.

I think that in a community where 31% of its members commit suicide is far more serious of an issue than add which some could argue is not even real, or at the very least not as critical as gid.

While I think you should definitely consider a lawsuit, you must also be where you are.   I think if you are like me, you are most likely seeing more than whats there, thats not to take away from the pain you feel. I understand the hopelessness and despair one can feel.

If there is nothing you can do, or that you are willing to do then you must live with the decisions you make. I myself couldnt wait, and I self medicated and I was terrified the feds were going to bust me or something.  Im not familiar with canadian laws or standards concerning healthcare, but I know in America, there is an iron curtain when it comes to drugs.  However, I would rather of dealt with the consequences of "black market" hormones than continue another day as I was. I had to consider jail, or even death, and for me, I did what I had too.

Im sorry you are hurting, I wish I could help it stop, but for all the pain we feel, the moments of joy that come out of being true to yourself cannot be compared to anything other than pure love. <3