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Hi everyone, heres my story

Started by Super Amanda, September 11, 2011, 06:23:46 PM

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Super Amanda

 So here I am, joining a TG forum again after nearly two years of not visiting or contributing to any TG related sites. I'll get to why I stopped visiting forums in a moment.

My back story is fairly generic... I was the middle of three children, all boys. My oldest brother is three years older, and my youngest is a year and a half younger than I. I've grown up in southern Arizona, in the USA, been here my whole life. My parents are still married, and both parents were always there for me. I always feel like this is an important detail, because so many people think that M2F TG people were somehow deprived of a male role model, and I, as I'm sure many of you do to, know that to be untrue. I've felt that I was different as far back as I can remember, and I knew I wanted to be a girl from a very young age, but just as many were, I was good at hiding it.

OK, so I was 29 when I felt that I could no longer hide, so I came out to my family and friends and haven't looked back since.

I'm 32 now, and have been full time since 4-11-2009. I've been on HRT since 9-1-2008. I used to be a part of another TG forum, but as I began to understand myself better, I started to feel like I spent too much time on the forum, and as dumb as it sounds, felt that maybe I was done with the TG community, like I was ready to graduate to real life or something. I felt that since I was full time, I got tired of trans talk, and wanted to just be a girl, not a trans-girl.  I have a youtube channel, and have been a part of that community for a while, but sometimes it's hard to have an in-depth conversation on a comment thread.

Lately, I've been getting more and more depressed, and I'm starting to think that it's partly because I don't have anyone who really gets me in my life. In fact today has been quite a bad day. I just feel so dang alone sometimes, and it's a horrible feeling. I tell my friends and family "I get why so many trans people commit suicide" , not that I would, but I do get it. Sometimes the pain is unbearable.

Anyway, I could fill a mile long page with other facts about me, but instead I'll just blurt out some quick stats. I have an 8 year old boy I take care of alone. My oldest brother has cut his family out of mine because I'm trans, I've been unemployed since 2008,My son and I live with my parents and so does my youngest brother and his girlfriend, I have only a couple of friends left from my boy days, using male pronouns on me really bothers me now.

OK, I think that covers the basics. I look forward to lurking around and reading up on past threads. I'll most likely not post a thread until I've lurked for a bit, just to make sure I don't bring up something that has been done to death. Now if I can figure out how to put a picture or two on my profile I'll be good to go. Thanks for your time.
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SarahLynn

Welcome Super Amanda!

You are not alone. I am just at the beginning of my journey with many questions and issues to deal with.

As for posting pictures you need 15 posts before you can post pics.

Best wishes
Sarah
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Devlyn

Hi Amanda, it's nice to meet you! You'll find lots of great people and information here. I hope you enjoy the site, hugs, Tracey
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Super Amanda

Thanks, ladies. :) Ahhh 15 posts...I'll get a pic or two up when I'm able then. Love the site so far!
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justmeinoz

Hi Amanda,
It's understandable that you have possibly hit the "What Now?" stage.  Bit like sports stars who retire at 26 because there is no-one left to beat. I hit a bit of a hurdle after relocating interstate and suddenly realised I was out in the open, not in my nice comfy cave.
Seeing you are unemployed, are there any educational programs you can access? Here, some people who fail to find employment in a rural area become virtual professional students, because there are simply no local jobs. They feel that at least they are getting a good education, and keeping their brain active.
  Apart from the feeling of achievement, there is the opportunity for interaction with others, especially single mothers in the same boat.  If there is a Work Experience component of any course, it could lead to employment too.
Karen.

 
"Don't ask me, it was on fire when I lay down on it"
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Super Amanda

 Thanks for reading, Debbie and Karen. You both are right, and it's funny how a nights sleep can help. I never really thought about the "what now?" scenario...I also agree that while many of us feel similar pain, the sources of said pain could be from any number of things.
Poking my nose into a few of the threads around here has already helped me feel better, and yesterday was defiantly "one of those days" for me. I'm kind of embarrassed that my introduction post was on a depressed day, but happy at the same time, because If I wasn't feeling so lonely at that moment I may not have came by at all.
I know that I have too much time on my hands, and while it's been great to have this time to concentrate on transition, it is time to move on with the life.
There are so many little things that change, and as much as I thought about transitioning, there were some intangible things that were impossible to anticipate. Even though I'm a couple of years into full time, I suppose I'm still adjusting to my new life all the time.
I don't think I said yet that I'm incredibly happy in every choice I've made, and I have no doubt as to whether they are the right choices for me. I really am happy most of the time, and I mean to speak with my doctor about the occasional really depressed days.

Once again, thank you ladies for giving me some insight, this really is a great community as far as I can see, and I'm glad that I'm a part of it now. :)


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JenJen2011

Hi Amanda. Welcome. You will like it here. I think I'm becoming addicted to Susans, hehe.
"You have one life to live so live it right"
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Christy Edwards

Hey girl and welcome. U have lots of friends here...Hugs...Christy
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AbraCadabra

One hello from the African South,

you come across bright AND sweet, what a nice 'acquisition' to our blogs. :-)

Axelle
Some say: "Free sex ruins everything..."
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Maegan

Here is another big hello and welcome from another South African girl.
Have fun here on Susans.

Huggs

Maegan


Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.
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Super Amanda

 Thanks for the warm welcome gals :)  The last forum I was a part of was mostly Americans, not sure why. I love how multinational this site is, it really gives a wonderful picture of how we're everywhere in the world, not just where it may be easier to transition.

I think we're living in a momentous time for our people, and it feels great to maybe be a positive part of that.

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