The revelation that you're female.

[Keroppi]

I remember fervently where and when it occurred, even if not what actually caused it.

With hindsight, there was lots of little moments, lots of little things & behaviour that can now be put together and explain as caused by being born in the wrong gender. However, none of them individually jumped out at me or those around me as "hey that's transgender". Unlike some, I would say I did know what transgender / transsexual is at least on the surface if not in detail, and that transsexual people exist. I simply didn't associate the concept to myself before.

So this one day, I was in my room, on my computer as I do every day and something just clicked inside me. I suddenly had this horrifying realisation of what was wrong with me. So I did as much research on the internet as I can, to find out what it mean medically, what can be done, what it mean legally etc. Coupled that with my pre-existing knowledge (prejudice) of what it would mean with friends, family, the wider ethnic community if/when they find out, relatives which I have worldwide. There was never any denial that this is me, more a fear of what to come, what it'll mean. A little bit of I don't want this to be true because it'll hurt & be difficult.

Then there was this other moment a few months later in the early hours I was driving back from playing poker. I had lost all my money so was going home early. Normally it would be "damn I lost again ". This time round on the journal, my brain suddenly clicked and went from "I'm trans" to "I'm a woman". And then there was bliss.

[noleen111]

For me, there was moment..

I always related to the girls better than the boys. I love playing with dolls as well as the boys toys....
Teenage years came and I started cross dressing and began exploring being a woman...
I tried pantyhose and later  panties... makeup etc.. but never all at the same time..

I never fully dressed until I was 21.. I wore a dress, pantyhose, nice bra and panty set, makeup and heels with a wig..

and when I saw that girl in the mirror... I knew I am really a girl... its like everything clicked

and every started from there.. i am now on hRT for around 9 months.. and I am very happy with the results..

[findingreason]

I knew when I was really young that was something very different about me, but at that age I had no idea what it was or how to even begin to explain it to someone. At around 10 years old I remembered having my first dreams as being female, and somehow it just felt right. It happened more and more, and also I began to question why I was born a boy, wondering what it would've been like to be a girl like some of my friends. I began wishing to wake up as one, even if it was just for a day. Of course, that never happened...

Between the age of 13-17 I was wrapped up in emotional turmoil over several things that distracted me sufficiently from gender. But come 17 it crashed down on me tenfold, and I wanted to be female so badly that it wound me up in some very dark places, almost committing suicide at a few points. I was also in significant denial that it wasn't even real, which didn't help matters for me.

In the past year I knew I had to do something about these feelings, they just did not go away, and I tried desperately to push them aside before, never succeeding. I got back into counseling and began working up the long hill to began dealing with this. I learned that my health insurance covers HRT, which motivated me to take action very soon.

It really did not occur to me how significant this was...until I was set and ready to go with HRT, and only needed a letter from my counselor, and she delayed it. I was devastated, and it launched me into dangerous depression for a while. I came back from it fighting though, and found another doctor to do this with, and now have everything set to start HRT on this Friday. (they talked about even bloodwork, this told me that it's a go) I think what helped me to realize who I am....is recognizing the danger of NOT transitioning, that I saw for the first time that if I don't do this, it will literally be signing my death sentence. I may not do it now, but down the road I know I will be at high risk of harming myself. I did not want that. I want to live, and with that it told me that I am supposed to...and that this is who I am. I don't believe I'm exclusively to one gender or the other (which this could change in time), but I DO know that I was not meant to be born male. Even if I differ from the gender binary, I should have been born female all along, and lost out on a lot because of it not happening. But also I am very happy to finally be doing something after many years of pain and denial, to see there was light at the end of the tunnel.

[jainie marlena]

What can I say? A lot of searching out who I am. No knowledge to understand just feelings that never end. The perseptions of others that extend. Who they say I am; I know I'm not. How is it they can't see the true me? The corrupted image that over shadows me. They sought me with their eyes and not with their hearts for this they never knew the true me. Even I was decieved by the same playing along with their childish game. I must be who they say I am because they were placed over me. There I sat in my dark aboud yet a spark of light still untold. The biblical frase all say they know. How say they love me as theirselves when the I that am they have cast out. But the I that am can not be put out. The I that am is with no doubt. Time and love has brought me forth and they can no longer say that I am not for I know who I shall be.

[Telyna]

my revelation came a few years ago (2 maybe 3) although at the time I was just fantasizing  about being able to shape shift and of course waking up one day as a woman.It was about a year ago that I found out about transsexuals and boom a lot of things from the past made a little more sense , ever since kinder garden  I always chose female action figures (Pink Power Ranger from the first series) then to later playing as Lara Croft when we role played shooters in an construction site (fun times).Then something happened   at around age 10 or so I had this feeling that I wont make it past 40  which about recent made sense.I have lived in Lala land since I was 4 or so , video games kept me from thinking about it and they probably saved me from a lot of emotional torment  ,but even here I still wanted to be female, god bless Bioware and Bethseda for making such great games .Always played as a female character ,playing a male one seemed weird.There was a time when I role played with other kids ,we were just a few boys on the street (3) playing fantasy shooters with plastic guns I always chose to play as Lara Croft (Tomb Raider saga) I was  about 8 or 9 then.Thruought my childhood to a few years ago I always  tried to deny it but denying this is like trying to deny your sexuality sooner or later it just pops up.(I like them big booties ^.^)

I don't consider coming out to anyone, I'll do what I need to do and to hell with the consequences.

PS For those of you who come out as lesbians , have you ever felt depressed  from watching  women you find beautiful only to find out that you'll never look like them (or something of the sort)

[JungianZoe]

PS For those of you who come out as lesbians , have you ever felt depressed  from watching  women you find beautiful only to find out that you'll never look like them (or something of the sort)

Like how I'll never look like my friend who's 5'1" with tiny feet, shiny straight hair, perfect complexion, seductive eyes, and 36E breasts despite being skinny...?  Yeah.  All the time.  And I'm not even a lesbian!

[kristin?]

video games kept me from thinking about it and they probably saved me from a lot of emotional torment  ,but even here I still wanted to be female, god bless Bioware and Bethseda for making such great games .Always played as a female character ,playing a male one seemed weird.

Amen to that 

[SandraJane]

I was also in significant denial that it wasn't even real, which didn't help matters for me.
.

I think what helped me to realize who I am....is recognizing the danger of NOT transitioning, that I saw for the first time that if I don't do this, it will literally be signing my death sentence. I may not do it now, but down the road I know I will be at high risk of harming myself. I did not want that. I want to live, and with that it told me that I am supposed to...and that this is who I am. I don't believe I'm exclusively to one gender or the other (which this could change in time), but I DO know that I was not meant to be born male. Even if I differ from the gender binary, I should have been born female all along, and lost out on a lot because of it not happening. But also I am very happy to finally be doing something after many years of pain and denial, to see there was light at the end of the tunnel.

I try not thinking about how it should have been, for my way of thinking this is how it happened, keeps the panic  and anxiety at bay. Comes down to this..."Live Free or Die"...and I'm not even from New Hampshire.

[mimpi]

Amen to that 

Again here! Chun Li was the biz back in the day. Wicked spinning kick!

[Ann Onymous]

PS For those of you who come out as lesbians , have you ever felt depressed  from watching  women you find beautiful only to find out that you'll never look like them (or something of the sort)

Not really...but quite frankly, I am quite content simply being average in the looks department.  It still doesn't stop me from routinely getting the "I find you ->-bleeped-<-ing sexy" line in the back of the bar as I then get a tonsil check and a light physical...and yeah, that really DOES seem to be one of the lines of choice for the little 20-somethings that have hit on my recently.  It does do this 40-something's ego a bit of good to know that after close to 30 years in the lesbian community that I am not yet relegated to the OWL population   

[SandraJane]

Not really...but quite frankly, I am quite content simply being average in the looks department.  It still doesn't stop me from routinely getting the "I find you ->-bleeped-<-ing sexy" line in the back of the bar as I then get a tonsil check and a light physical...and yeah, that really DOES seem to be one of the lines of choice for the little 20-somethings that have hit on my recently.  It does do this 40-something's ego a bit of good to know that after close to 30 years in the lesbian community that I am not yet relegated to the OWL population 

Tonsil check...light physical...makes for a more compliant patient?

[Ann Onymous]

Tonsil check...light physical...makes for a more compliant patient?

if I were to properly answer that, we would likely need someone to move the thread over to 'sexuality' 

[jillian]

I grew up being terrified of being associated with girly things.
However, I always knew that I wanted more than anything to be a girl.

Even recently in my 30's the yearning was just so strong, I kept going thinking one day it would stop.
It never has.

So now Ive been seeing a therapist, taking hormones.

Its not easy now. Im 3 months in, not out at work, Ive lost friends, relationships that are manifesting are awkward, I feel all awkward quite a bit.
Im totally in between, but its okay. I have no choice.
Sometimes I see myself, and I can begin to see my hips, and my face smoothing out, and I feel pretty, sometimes even sexy, and its all worth it :-)

[eli77]

PS For those of you who come out as lesbians , have you ever felt depressed  from watching  women you find beautiful only to find out that you'll never look like them (or something of the sort)

Not really. I don't think I'm particularly unattractive. And when I'm looking at a gorgeous girl I'm not generally thinking "I want to look like that," I'm thinking "I want to..." *cough*. 

[Karlee]

I haven't had a revelation just yet, but I think I'm close!

I remember thinking way back (well, perhaps 5 years ago) that I was actually born female but my parent's wanted a boy, so they changed me! :S But now I starting to the the opposite, and that I was born physically a boy, but mentally a girl! Bit of a backward thinker from a young age I guess. I experimented from a very young age, and still love it to this day.

I dressed today, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and thought 'Wow'. This is me, this is what makes me happy and this is my body finally (although temporarily) aligned with what I feel. Even going back into guy mode, I looked at my body and into my eyes and didn't see a boy looking back, I saw a trapped girl. Perhaps that was my revelation? Perhaps I'm in for an epiphany at any moment. I welcome both with open arms.

Lots of love,
Karlee.x

[AbraCadabra]

Karlee
* I haven't had a revelation just yet, but I think I'm close! *

Sounds a bit like waiting for the BIG ONE in San Fran, eh? :-)

These things have their own way. It usually - if it happens this way! - still occurs pretty unexpected.

Yet, you must realize we all different.

Since you have some high level of awareness, I personally can't see this would come as some major shock, Revelation, Epiphany, brain-quake.
It usually does so, if you much more into denial and repression - and I think you do not sound as if you are.

So don't look for THAT. What will be, will be.

My 2 cents,
Axelle

[NatashaD]

I'm slightly worried, because I haven't realized that I'm female. I mean, I want to be one, and I feel like it's more natural, but I've never had that aha moment. But I like feminine things (dressing up in girl jeans, t-shirts, doing my nails, makeup) and I've always been very in-touch with that side of me (theater was amazing!). I sometimes feel like I won't believe that I am a woman until I actually have breasts or a vagina. But on the other hand, I don't consider myself a "man." I'm just...me. Does anyone understand that?

Yup. I'm not going through SRS, yet want to reach the level of being able to pass at the beach. Also, I'm far more attracted to women than to men, even on hormones, and am perfectly fine with that.

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

Again here! Chun Li was the biz back in the day. Wicked spinning kick!

same with me. she used to be my role model. i even wanted spiked bracelets like her then, i found out there was no way i could get legs as strong as hers, and i had no "kikokens."

[madirocks]

Same story as you Hannah. It was actually only a few months ago that I realized, and forced me to start researching. On almost a daily basis I'm finding out more and more just how female I am. Did you know it also comes to how you part your hair? Rather interesting to me. Among other things such as rotating a map in the direction you're facing. Does anyone else here do this? Apparently there's quite a lot I do that is definitely "not-male" and I'm surprised I never noticed. I suppose that's why people assume things about me.

@ Karlee,

I understand what you're saying about the eyes. I have always felt this about myself. This is why I always looked away from people when I'm talking to them. Recently though I've been more at ease with myself so I'm finding I have eye contact more often.

[Keaira]

I remembered a few things today. Now, I've moved around so much that the locations blur in my mind, so I'm trying to mentally put actions to thoughts to places and it isn't easy. Some things I need to cross-reference with my mother via email but here's what I have remembered.

Age 5-10 yrs:
My Mum has photos of me carrying a doll. I'm going to ask her more about that.
My Mum told me when I was 5 I threw a huge fit because she wouldn't let me wear a dress.
I remember reading the storybook version of Disney's The rescuers and I think I showed/ told my Mum that I wanted to be like Penny.
I got caught wearing a white pleated skirt when I was at my friend Jade's apartment by my Dad. He teased me and I ran back home to my room where I barricaded the door so he couldn't get in and tease me anymore. I cried my eyes out that day.

Age 11:

Started dressing as a girl.

Age 19:

Got confronted my my Mum when I got home from work about my crossdressing. I didnt even know I had been doing it since I was 11 until she told me.

So I guess I had my revelation when I was between 5-10 yrs old.