Having a rough day

[Kellsie]

Today I am sitting here looking over all the different discussions, I love this place.  I have only been here now about a week, Kristi has really been a big help, I just wish there was a way that I could actually talk to someone.  I have tried going through the VA but they won't help me, and I don't have any insurance.  I need help but don't know where to turn, what to do or how to go about doing it.  I am just having a rough day, my wife accused me of stealing her clothes just to get under my skin, and all I want to do is be the woman that I am.  I am so tired of living a lie.  I want to be able to wear the makeup, wear the pretty clothes, go out in public as who I am, instead of hiding behind the facade of manliness.  I am hesitant in writing this as I feel so alone, so sad, I just want to cry.  I want to leave, but I have nowhere to run, or nobody to turn to.  Why couldn't I have been who I am?  I hate living this way!  It is so hard to accept....I mean I love life but I am totally unhappy, just downright sad.  Sorry, maybe shouldn't have posted but just needed to get off my chest.

[Kate]

Today I am sitting here looking over all the different discussions, I love this place.  I have only been here now about a week, Kristi has really been a big help, I just wish there was a way that I could actually talk to someone.  I have tried going through the VA but they won't help me, and I don't have any insurance.  I need help but don't know where to turn, what to do or how to go about doing it.  I am just having a rough day, my wife accused me of stealing her clothes just to get under my skin, and all I want to do is be the woman that I am.  I am so tired of living a lie.  I want to be able to wear the makeup, wear the pretty clothes, go out in public as who I am, instead of hiding behind the facade of manliness.  I am hesitant in writing this as I feel so alone, so sad, I just want to cry.  I want to leave, but I have nowhere to run, or nobody to turn to.  Why couldn't I have been who I am?  I hate living this way!  It is so hard to accept....I mean I love life but I am totally unhappy, just downright sad.  Sorry, maybe shouldn't have posted but just needed to get off my chest.

Awl... I know Kira, I know. It can be a very lonely thing at times. You KNOW you have us to reach out to, though I understand it's not quite the the same thing as talking things over with someone in person.

Many therapists will work on a sliding scale for fees. And some are downright inexpensive, as little as $50 per session - not pocket change I know, but not as bad as others.

There are always support groups too. You won't get that intimate one-on-one therapy, but still... it's something?

Kate

[Kellsie]

Thank you Kate, means alot to me, I am....well just gonna leave it alone and watch DR. Phil

[Suzy]

Kira,

Nice to see you start posting girlfriend!  I hope you can find a way to start in some counseling.  You need some personal interaction and support.  You're taking a big step with this post.

Way to go!!!!!!

Kristi

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Kira,
This isn't what you want to hear but I believe it's not the clothes we wear or even the body but the spirit that is important. Do let Kira live in the body your in, right now. Do not hold her back just because you don't look like you feel you should. She is a great woman who wants to live and she can right now if you can just look past the skin you are wearing.
I know, I know, but do give yourself permission to be the women your are in the body you are in.
Believe me it will help.
Hugs.
Jillieann

[Tiffany Elise]

Kira;
  Jilliann is right. Don't let your current clothing or body stop you from being who you are. I cannot transition for medical reasons so there is so much I will never be able to hold a conversation about or even give advice about but I can't let that stop me from being who I really am. Please don't let it get you down.
  Hang in there.
  Tiff

[Steph]

Today I am sitting here looking over all the different discussions, I love this place.  I have only been here now about a week, Kristi has really been a big help, I just wish there was a way that I could actually talk to someone.  I have tried going through the VA but they won't help me, and I don't have any insurance.  I need help but don't know where to turn, what to do or how to go about doing it.  I am just having a rough day, my wife accused me of stealing her clothes just to get under my skin, and all I want to do is be the woman that I am.  I am so tired of living a lie.  I want to be able to wear the makeup, wear the pretty clothes, go out in public as who I am, instead of hiding behind the facade of manliness.  I am hesitant in writing this as I feel so alone, so sad, I just want to cry.  I want to leave, but I have nowhere to run, or nobody to turn to.  Why couldn't I have been who I am?  I hate living this way!  It is so hard to accept....I mean I love life but I am totally unhappy, just downright sad.  Sorry, maybe shouldn't have posted but just needed to get off my chest.

I can remember being in the same position that you find yourself Kira.  The loneliness and sense of futility is often crippling and can lead to shall we say careless behavior.  I know that I did some pretty ridiculous things to try and get out of what you are experiencing now.  One thing is for sure that you will never be alone here at Susan's, and you NEVER have to be sorry for posting asking for help, as that is what we are here for.

Starting out as you are is probably one of the most difficult periods of this thing of ours and it is truly horrible when folks find them self in your position.  But it doesn't have to be.  You do need to find a therapist, a gender therapist preferably but at this point in time any therapist would do, if for nothing else but to talk and get a handle on what/who you are.

As far as the cloths are concerned Jillieann is quite right but there are ways to fulfill the need that you have and that is to buy your own, you can purchase online or in person under the pretext that you are buying them for you wife as a present or something like that.  Underwear is always a good place to begin.

BUT before you venture down this road you have to consider the consequences of your actions especially as far as your wife is concerned as they could be devastating to you both.  Throughout this you run the risk of loosing everything, family friends, livelihood, your own sanity to mention a few.  So give it careful consideration.

Steph

[PrettyFlowingGown]

Kira, I've been there hun!!! I've never been married though. I was living in a bungalow behing my Dads house, and would dress after 10.30 at night when they went to bed. I was full of fear, insecure etc. I was crippled too.

But I moved far away 15 months ago, away from everyone into my unit. I dress everyday all the time. I love it, never been so happy.

Your issues though are the same as I had. My way of dealing with it though was easy cause I only had myself too worry about.

I Just wish you luck.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Kira,

   One thing you can do is to keep an eye open for local support groups. Depending on where you live, they can be difficult to find and, when you find one, you want to be sure that you are comfortable (and safe) there.
   There are some websites on the frontpage of Susans Place that may have information about meetings or support in your area. Also, if you search like crazy (my own experience) you may just happen to find people who want to start a group.

   Take care of yourself. Remember who you are and take pride in your identity whether or not you can display it at this time. Time is your friend. Everything you want will not happen in a day, so create busy work for yourself, such as searching for others like us that are local to you, study clothing on-line and in the catalogs, and try to figure out (without immediately alienating her) where your wife will stand with you on this. Once again, you need to tread lightly within your marriage by not getting too far ahead of where your wife's head is at.

I hope I made sense here.  I'm not trying to push you forward or to hold you back, but to  encourage you in whatever path you choose.


Love,

Rebecca