Feelings of Guilt

[mimpi]

Do any of you dear people feel guilt?

Guilt is always in my heart, guilt about not being woman enough to meet the much appreciated acceptance of my lesbian friends, guilt about not making enough effort with clothes and so on, guilt about not having transitioned in my early twenties, guilt about hiding being trans to get girls I really wanted, guilt about my late sister in law who killed herself as a result of me having an affair with her and the shame her family placed on her, guilt about adultery to my first wife, guilt about having had a child with her when I should have been myself instead, guilt about being scared and not coping with looking after her and my child, guilt about not being able to say no to women who say they are attracted to me, guilt about be a very bad Muslim who doesn't pray that much, guilt about praying as a man that really ->-bleeped-<-s me head up because I'd feel guilty praying as a woman too, guilt to towards God/Allah, subhana wa t'ala, about being trans and about having taken hormones for decades and changed the body He gave me, guilt that if He made me trans He did so for a reason and I've failed Him through lack of courage, fear and laziness, guilt because we say one should be happy and I'm sad and having a rum and coke which is a big no no. So much guilt and so sorry for the rant.

Mimpi, wish that was mimpi indah but frankly sometimes it's more mimpi buruk. Trans: beautiful dream/nightmare...

[Super Amanda]

 I, too feel guilt... Guilt that I'm denying my son a father, guilt that my sons bio mom hates me and thinks I'm trying to steal her motherhood from her, guilt that my brother , although once accepting of me, suddenly changed his mind and withdrew himself, and his wife and my two nieces and nephew from my life, guilt that I whine about my problems when in reality I have it pretty good...

I guess the best we can do is just be the best people we can be, try to do the right thing, all the time and maybe one day the guilt will fade....

It's hard, but I try to live with the idea that tomorrow is gone, done, over. Nothing will let us go back and change anything so it's best to try to look forward only, and not to dwell on past mistakes.

[britt27]

I know the feeling.

Guilt that if I am who I want to be I'll deny my father of his oldest son, guilt of denying my professional dreams in order to pursue a life that seems more right for me overall, guilt of the possibility of being wrong and making a mistake, guilt of a living in a religious society that makes me feel ashamed due to my feelings.  Guilt is almost always there, gnawing at me.

[mimpi]

Thanks for the replies, it's good not to feel alone with things, was really down last night and the end of summer always gets to me.

Thought about this guilt thing a lot last night as I couldn't sleep and managed to get it down to only one thing that really bugs me. My belief is that everything happens for a reason, so if God made me trans I've failed Him as a woman (as well as failing as a man). Then there's the whole Gay/Straight business which does my head in as well. It's a no win situation every way one looks at it.

[Julie Marie]

Guilt is a tool others use on those they want to control.  And if you let it, it will grow like a cancer within you.  You'll be doing their work for them.  And that will tell the control freaks they were right all along.

[AbraCadabra]

Amanda et al,

* I, too feel guilt... Guilt that I'm denying my son a father... *

Sure can relate to that. If other more 'distant' family have issues, I do not get into any guilt-trips. I refuse!

My son is trying to be brave, really brave, and I so wish it would be easier on him. Yet - what is - IS.

One thing I shared with him: if say, I would have come out much earlier in life (something banded about at my age...) he would not even exist!!!

So now how about that then?

Just had to share that,
Axelle

[mimpi]

Guilt is a tool others use on those they want to control.  And if you let it, it will grow like a cancer within you.  You'll be doing their work for them.  And that will tell the control freaks they were right all along.

You are right of course. I'm good at not letting others guilt trip me, strong and very, very militant on my rights and those of others. It's the guilt towards God that I can't shake as it feels as if he gave what is effect a wonderful eye opening gift in being trans and I just haven't handled it right. Sounds crazy but I'm convinced that being trans is a great blessing as it helps us see this world from a perpective that very few get to see. It's hard but it takes one to amazing places in every sense.

Axélle, you are fortunate with your son. Mine is a racist, elitist, transphobic ->-bleeped-<- who denies his ancestry and even his mother's language. How the hell he claims not to be able to remember a single word of Arabic despite hearing it virtually every day for 20 years of his life is beyond my understanding. Not even the swear words!

[blake]

I feel guilt. It used to be massive guilt for being closeted from my boyfriend. Now he knows, it is such a relief. I don't have children, so I am not accountable to them. As for religion, I am broadly "spiritual". I have been able to resolve my identity with that.

However, I feel guilt towards myself for not being out in public; for not taking the steps and risking the discrimination. I can't transition at work, because I would lose my job (a public position dealing with an ultra-conservative clientele). But I feel like I am lying to myself.

This is small compared to what you all have been talking about. I can't begin to imagine how it would feel to have children and God in the mix.

[mimpi]

Thanks Blake, you sound like one of the good guys and I'm sorry if I overdid it on the Northern bit.

Don't guilt trip yourself on the discrimination bit, in the last couple of years I've had death threats, threats on the street, police at the door, attempts to frame me up and much more just for going out with a girl and all that from my own extended family towards me, not her! But there are great times, wonderful times that are beyond what we could ever have imagined or hoped for. Hang in there, you'll make it, I'm sure you will.

[RhinoP]

Honestly, I don't feel guilt because I've never once in my life made a mistake. I've never married or had children, I've never done any type of irreversible career or lifestyle move meant to hide my identity, I'm a proud atheist, and quite frankly my entire family deserves one big middle finger. I've never been in trouble, not once, with the law. I've never stolen anything or done anything wrong to anyone that I know of. Working hard to never make a mistake or to never hurt anyone reaps a great reward, and to be quite honest I know I'm one of the few here who have the right to feel proud of that.

Now, I have plenty to feel self-hatred about; physical ugliness, diseases, the way people treat me when they judge me for my appearance no matter how respectful I am toward them, never being able to have a relationship with various loved ones, ect ect. That type of feeling is on the back of my mind 24/7 a day, even in my dreams.

[blake]

Hey mimpi - no worries, you didn't overdo anything! It's great when we can joke around - I look forward to giving as good as I get

[Julie Marie]

It's the guilt towards God that I can't shake

And who taught you God wants you to feel guilty?  Someone did.  Guilt is a learned reaction.  And it can be unlearned.

[mimpi]

Hey mimpi - no worries, you didn't overdo anything! It's great when we can joke around - I look forward to giving as good as I get

Er, does your whippet know you're here?

[mimpi]

And who taught you God wants you to feel guilty?  Someone did.  Guilt is a learned reaction.  And it can be unlearned.

Good question, not sure of the answer, probably religion. Reciting this (in Arabic) minimum twice five times a day, year after year is enough:

    In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful
    Praise be to God, the Lord of the worlds
    The Compassionate, the Merciful
    Master of the Day of Judgment
    You alone do we worship, and you alone do we ask for help
    Guide us to the straight path
    The path of those whom you have blessed, not those who have deserved wrath, nor the misguided.

Haven't exactly been even near that path let alone on it. Yeah, religion guilt trips me big time.

[tekla]

I've never once in my life made a mistake
Which is shorthand for "I never take risks or chances."

*****

So yeah, sometimes I feel guilty (though I try to let it inform my life and not dominate it).  Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda and all that.  I sure could have been a better parent, and I think most parents feel that way.  Sometimes I feel kinda guilty because when I was young and inexperienced I didn't do as good a job as the situation deserved, and likewise sometimes I feel a little guilty that now I'm giving people a much better job then they deserve.  I can only hope that somehow that balances out.

There were times I should have lied when I told the truth, and times I should have told the truth instead of fudging it or acting dumb - as the second seems the greater wrong I try to err on the side of telling the truth, even if it gets me in trouble and is about as welcome as a nark at at a Dead concert.

People I should have helped and didn't and people I have helped that not only didn't need it, but it really made them worse.

There are many people I should have treated better, and more than a few who I should have treated worse.

But all that guilt - it's because of my action or inaction.  Nothing about God there, largely because I don't think that the popular earth conceptions of god are valid - in fact they tend to the ludicrous and absurd - and if there is such a being, I'm pretty sure that its' not going to be very worried that I like beer and have been known to beat off to Victoria's Secret catalogs, I've never killed anyone, don't have any bodies buried in my yard, I've never used anyone and discarded them, I try to treat them as I would like to be treated and all that (except lots of people somehow expect much better treatment than that) and let the rest ride.  If god was so upset I'd be happy to listen.  He could show up and talk to me, or call me, email/snail mail or just Facebook me - until such time I'm not going to worry about god, as god don't seem to worried about me.