When you decided to go full time.

[Katrina_Reann]

 Hi all! I have a question for all of you. When did you decide to go full time and when you did decide it, why? I am a non op, non hrt mtf transsexual. Chances are I will never be able to afford to transition as I am disabled and on SS. My story is very similar to many of your stories. (i.e. felt from a very young age I was in the wrong gendered body. Tried purging and being more manly. ect) I have gone to counseling and it did help me to accept myself and deal with the depression that often accompanies being trans. As well as dealing with some of the fears but not all.

I do spend most of my time as Katrina but only at home. I am now 49 and I am so tired of living a double life. My family does know that I struggle with GID and spend most of time as Katrina. They say they accept it but I am not welcome in their home if I am dressed as Katrina. So that acceptance has conditions. I still live in my home town of 34,000 so a lot of people know me but don't know I am trans. So I have this underlying fear of how they will react if I were to go ft in my true gender role. But at the same time I have this increased frustration of not being true to myself. I know the dangers of going ft without any hormones, srs, and even the dangers that are there regardless of transitioning. But I also know I can't keep living this lie or living a life where I am not being true to myself. I have gone out over the years as Katrina to selected places and have been widely received but the fear remains and keeps from living my life as the woman I feel I am.

I know many of you will tell me to go back to counseling and I have but my counselors can't seem to help me. And trust me I have tried several different counselors. The counselors in my area have actually know less about being Trans than I did when I first sought them out. I need people who know and understand all the struggles about being trans to help me on this one. And there is actually three question you can all help me with. It doesn't matter if you mtf, ftm, on hrt or not, had srs or not, or are like me non op, non hrt. I would appreciate any replies. So here are the questions...

1- When did you decide to go FT?
2-Why?What were your reasons?
3-Did you have fears and if so how did you overcome them?

Thx for you responses ahead of time ...Huggsss...Katrina 

[jamiejo]

1- When did you decide to go FT?
April Fool's Day, 2011 - Yes I have a bad sensor of humor!!! 

2-Why?What were your reasons?
I had FFS in Boston with Dr Spiegel on April 5th.  At this time I had my name change, gender marker, etc all changed.  Parents arrived 29th of March from Australia, they spent one day with the former me, and then I transitioned fulltime the next day in front of them

3-Did you have fears and if so how did you overcome them?
No fears, but I was numb from all the tequila.  In 7 months on HRT & I transition to fulltime, developed a plan & executed the plan - simple as it get's.

The only thing I would recommend, two important things should be at least 80-90% done is facial electrolysis and female voice!!!  Two things that give you away in a heart beat.

Good luck,
Jamie

[Katrina_Reann]

1- When did you decide to go FT?
April Fool's Day, 2011 - Yes I have a bad sensor of humor!!! 

2-Why?What were your reasons?
I had FFS in Boston with Dr Spiegel on April 5th.  At this time I had my name change, gender marker, etc all changed.  Parents arrived 29th of March from Australia, they spent one day with the former me, and then I transitioned fulltime the next day in front of them

3-Did you have fears and if so how did you overcome them?
No fears, but I was numb from all the tequila.  In 7 months on HRT & I transition to fulltime, developed a plan & executed the plan - simple as it get's.

The only thing I would recommend, two important things should be at least 80-90% done is facial electrolysis and female voice!!!  Two things that give you away in a heart beat.

Good luck,
Jamie

Jamie,
Thx for your response!! First off I love a bad sense of humor...lol!! I am the orneriest person you will ever meet!! I tried the alcohol encouragement for many years but realized that route was killing me and along with a a major headache my problems were still there the next morning..Been sober for 10 years now. I have been working on my voice for a couple months now but still have to find that my fem voice I am satisfied with yet.  As for electrolysis that too is kind of out of my reach But I do use an epilady and it has made a vast difference. I have been using it for almost a year and only have to shave about every 10 days to 2 weeks. And even then then hairs are no where as thick or as sparse as they use to be (Facially). And yes it use to be owie but now I hardly notice the pain when I do use it on my face and neck. On the rest of my body hair I don't have to shave very often at all anymore. But I do have a lot of Cherokee blood in me so I was never  super hairy to begin with.

The only things that really give me away are my extremely long fingered hands and my height...I am 6' 2". And of course my voice which I am still working on.  But because I only wear flats and dress to pass when I do go out in public I have noticed that only about 30 or 35 percent of people even notice. And those that do notice usually have to do a triple take. My photo here really doesn't do me justice as it was taken several years ago when I was heavier and without the use of a corset. ( Secret girls...suddle curves and loose clothing  where you can still breathe normally are much more passable rather than tightening so much that you can't breathe and have bulges  overflowing from places where women don't have bulges is much more convincing and much less painful...lol)

Anyway thx Jamie for responding...stay onerey!! ...Huggsss...Katrina

[eli77]

1- When did you decide to go FT?
July 27th, 2011 - after 6 months of HRT, 3 months of IPL hair removal

2-Why?What were your reasons?
I could no longer pass as a guy in male presentation, so it seemed pointless to keep going as I was.

3-Did you have fears and if so how did you overcome them?
Was terrified of women-only spaces (bathrooms, changing rooms in stores, etc.). By going into them. A lot.

I'm 6'1" by the way, and it's 7.5" from the tip of my middle finger to my wrist. But my voice has sounded female all my life.

(P.S. - think "ftm" in your first post was an typo, might want to fix that.)

[jamiejo]

10 years sober - great for you!!!  That is amazing. 

Height, blah blah blah.  I'm 6'-1" plus flats (aka 3" heels min.) I'm the intimidator in my engineering job plus I work at two liquor stores.   I have to go on job sites and deal with owners and contractors - no one F...'s with me!!!  I totally use my height, build and "verbal skills" to my advantage.   

If only I could find a girl that is my height!!!

Jamie

[JennX]

1- When did you decide to go FT?
2-Why?What were your reasons?
3-Did you have fears and if so how did you overcome them?

Thx for you responses ahead of time ...Huggsss...Katrina

1. Age 24... about 4 years ago. No HRT, FFS, etc.
2. I was tired of living a lie and having to hide who I was.
3. Not really. I know this can be a huge step for some, but it felt really right and natural to me, so I knew it was the right thing to do. At some point you need to be who you are, and start enjoying life. Life is too short to be unhappy.

[Katrina_Reann]

Thx Sarah for the heads up on the typo...often my fingers like to talk faster than my brain can think...lol


Thx for all of your replies .

I know I am going to have to make a decision soon to just step out and live my life as the female I know I am regardless of of hrt, ffs, or srs. I know this because I am just not happy anymore with living this double life. I have never been happy with the lie but it has never been as hard as it is right now. I think the greatest fear I have is what people in this area will think and how they will react. More so the second than the first. I was bullied for most of my school life because people could see I struggled with something and was not the same as they were. So I don't like confrontations. And the town I live in is kind of behind the times and not accepting of the so called alternative lifestyles. But moving is not an option right now either. I keep telling myself that maybe what I need and this area needs is a pioneer because I know I am not alone in this area and the trans community needs more resources to address our needs.

I am working on an article about being and growing up trans in this area and just how hard it is. Once it is done I will send it in to a couple editors of local newspapers, tv networks, and maybe even to our congressmen and a few Dr's and counselors. I know when I do this the cat will be out of the bag. I also know this could and probably will bring some ridicule and possibly even some violence my way. But I also know that nothing will change if someone is not willing to take the risks to make a difference.

Two things I know I need to work on is overcoming my fears and finding my fem voice before I actually take the step of going ft. But this will also give me time to work hard on this article and get it right. It is hard to put into words but I know deep in my heart this is something I am going to have to do for myself let alone for others like me in this area. Because I just can't keep living the lie.

Thx again for your responses. You are just confirming to me where I am right now in the battle field of being tans....Huggsss...Katrina

[Lisbeth]

1- When did you decide to go FT?
I decided sometime in 2001. Full-time date was January 6, 2002.

2-Why?What were your reasons?
I had spent almost 50 years as a guy. If I could spend another 50 years as a woman, it might make up for it.

There was a story to go with the transition though. I was at the company holiday party in December and spent some time talking to the IT director. I made an off-hand comment to her about "doing something about this 'Bob' thing" - referring to my old name. She said to come talk to her after the holiday break. I did, and we worked out my transition plan to take effect the next week. In February they had a birthday party for me with my real name on my cake for the first time.

3-Did you have fears and if so how did you overcome them?
By that time I had already dealt with my fears. When I was afraid, I didn't move forward. You need to take care of what's holding back before you can go forward.

I know I am going to have to make a decision soon to just step out and live my life as the female I know I am regardless of of hrt, ffs, or srs.

When I transitioned it was with no HRT, no FFS, no SRS. It was just something I had to do.

[Katrina_Reann]

1- When did you decide to go FT?
I decided sometime in 2001. Full-time date was January 6, 2002.

2-Why?What were your reasons?
I had spent almost 50 years as a guy. If I could spend another 50 years as a woman, it might make up for it.

There was a story to go with the transition though. I was at the company holiday party in December and spent some time talking to the IT director. I made an off-hand comment to her about "doing something about this 'Bob' thing" - referring to my old name. She said to come talk to her after the holiday break. I did, and we worked out my transition plan to take effect the next week. In February they had a birthday party for me with my real name on my cake for the first time.

3-Did you have fears and if so how did you overcome them?
By that time I had already dealt with my fears. When I was afraid, I didn't move forward. You need to take care of what's holding back before you can go forward.
When I transitioned it was with no HRT, no FFS, no SRS. It was just something I had to do.

Thx Lisbeth..Like you I feel this is something I have to do for myself first and foremost. And like you I can't imagine spending another 40 or 50 years as a guy and trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. It is time for me to be me and time for me to free...Huggsss...Katrina

[annette]

1- When did you decide to go FT?
2-Why?What were your reasons?
3-Did you have fears and if so how did you overcome them?

Let me start at 3....everybody had fears, so did I, I told myself I did nothing wrong, I wasn't a criminal or something and I also had a right to live.
When i heard people were talking about me behind my back( and it was about transition) I visit them and confront them with what they have said and told them they were cowards by not saying it right into my face. Most people were ashamed about their behaviour.
2. I couldn't live with the lie that I was playing the role of a man. It was a hard time than, there was no legal possibility to change name and gender in documents
1. As soon I discovered that I was a woman. I divorced, did find an appartment and went full time, also in the same little place where I was living than.

Find the courage sis, and live your life, you won't regret it.
When others have a problem with that, it's their problem, not yours.

[Katrina_Reann]

Thanks Annette!! I know if others have a problem with how I choose to live my life or with who I am it is their problem. My main problem in life has always been fear which stems all the way back to being bullied by classmates. As I grew into a teenager and the bullying stopped it was the fear of not knowing who I was or why I felt the way I did, and the fear of being discovered by family and friends when I was dressed as Katrina. When you live with fear for 40 years it is hard to deal with and overcome but I am getting there. And because transsexualism is more out in the open than it was  in the last century that makes it easier too... I know I am at the threshold of spending the rest of my life as the woman I am. I just want to have all my ducks in a row to be as passable as I can be....Huggsss...Katrina

[Lisbeth]

Thx Lisbeth..Like you I feel this is something I have to do for myself first and foremost. And like you I can't imagine spending another 40 or 50 years as a guy and trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. It is time for me to be me and time for me to free...Huggsss...Katrina

Just take a deep breath and start.  *hugs back*

[annette]

Hi Katrina

We know all about fear, I think we all had fear, nobody wants to be rejected.
In this case I have to think about the signature of Irish Janet.
What's your biggest fear.....the reactions of other people or living in the wrong gender?
She said it don't takes bravery to transition but fear to live in the wrong gender for one more day.
Wow, this lady did think it over very well.
I've been bullied too, hun, but there comes a day that it's enough and you follow the path of your heart.

Go for it girl, you only live once.

Hugs
Annette

[Katrina_Reann]

Thx for the encouragement Lisbeth and Annette....Hugss

[JungianZoe]

I'm 6'1" by the way, and it's 7.5" from the tip of my middle finger to my wrist.

Child's play!  I've got 8.5" on the same measurement and I'm only 5'11".   On a full-size piano I've got a 15-key reach.  My arm span is 6'8" too.  I'm a little mis-proportioned.


1- When did you decide to go FT?

Two months after I started an HRT regimen that actually worked, but one month before starting the regimen that fully brought my T down.

2-Why?What were your reasons?

There was no way I could live with being seen as male any longer.  Hormones were beginning to change my face to a point where I passed female 100% of the time and my job was cool with my transition.  Knowing I'd be losing the job in May due to state law, I had to take the opportunity to become fully comfortable being myself in public so that I could feel comfortable applying for work after my job ended.

3-Did you have fears and if so how did you overcome them?

The only real fear I had was that the reaction from my dad and stepmom would be physically violent.  That situation resolved itself when my stepsister outed me to them and they decided to no longer be a part of my life.  I learned about their decision from my ex-wife, with whom they were still in contact at the time (that has since ceased as my ex and I found out the lies my stepmom used to pit the two of us against each other).  I had my suspicions when my Mother's Day phone call went unanswered and unreturned.  Then my stepmom's birthday phone call was unanswered and unreturned.  Then three more calls, same story.  Then my ex told me that they knew.  Still, I called on Father's Day and, surprise, no answer, no return call.  Apparently I don't learn.

Well, I've learned now.  I'm glad those miserable child abusers are out of my life.

[Katrina_Reann]

Zoe,
Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry you have had such a hard life. My family has never been abusive in any way. But they have a hard time accepting me as Katrina. They say they love me and accept me but don't want to interact with me as Katrina. That stings a little but because of where we live I try my best to understand and accept their reasoning.

My heart goes out to you and if you ever need someone to talk to all ya gotta do is send me a PM......Huggsss...Katrina