i feel like i'm losing the battle

[Preston]

I don't have a binder so I have to use Ace bandage wrap. I didn't bind too tightly, but after about four hours my chest started to really hurt. I just took the bandage off. I got ridiculously angry at the whole situation. That I (we) have to go through physical pain just to look the way we feel we should.
I've lost ten pounds over the last month due to stress and my depression worsening. Which is bad because I'm 5'9" and I only weighed 119 to start out... People are starting to tell me I look sick. I just, I don't know. I really feel like I am just losing hope completely. I no longer see the point in anything...which scares me. I tried to kill myself in June because of my GID. I just want to feel comfortable in my skin. I want to be ME.
Sorry for this rant, but there's no one else that would listen.

[justmeinoz]

Rant away lad. 
  Any chance of seeing a counsellor to get a handle on the depression symptoms at the least?
Maybe bind more frequently for shorter periods? Are you working out? You don't need a gym, push-ups, chin-ups etc will work for the upper body and arms. If you take down your results you will have a record of your improvements.  My son (yes, FtM) did that, and found it was a help.

GID is a bugger that's for sure.  Stay strong, you will get there eventually.

Karen.

[Preston]

Thanks Karen.
I started working out and I'm trying to eat more but I keep losing weight. I sleep most of the day and have absolutely no motivation for anything. It seems that I'm always just extremely angry at everyone and everything.

[Wolfsnake]

I'm glad you're still around, man. No need to apologize for anything.

If you're losing weight without trying, there could be more to it than stress. Have you thought about going in for a physical? If nothing else, the doc might be able to recommend a dietician or some other resources for you.

At one point I dropped down to 118 due to stress/illness/etc (I'm 5' 6") and my doctor actually prescribed butter. I kid you not. Butter on everything.

[RhinoP]

Why not a breast reduction? The only problem I would have with it is the scarring, and you'd think that creams or lasers out there could improve the scarred tissue in that case.

It's pretty much like it was hundreds of years ago; back then, women corseted the waist to achieve the extremely painful shape that was desired, or in Asia, women practiced foot-binding, which was plain torture. The only thing that's changed is our society is merely that there's more torture to choose from, a bit more variety .

Even though I'm a natal boy, I have scoliosis and lumbar lordosis, which makes it very painful to stand or walk for more than a couple hours, or bending for anything multiple times (I can't even touch my knees without bending them). It really sucks and feels so constricting. Sadly, there's really no cure, and constricting back-braces and bindings only help keep the posture straight....

[Preston]

Thanks everyone. Wolfsnake- butter? Really? That's hilarious.
This dysphoria is really just kicking my ass. I just moved back home to Nevada (with my folks) but I had been living in Idaho for five years. All of my friends are there. I still consider my psychiatrist to be my psychiatrist, even though I'm here now. She won't return my calls. I have an appointment with a psychologist today regarding GID and hopefully I can get on testosterone very soon.
I've always been a depressed and sad person, but this is really starting to push it. I don't want to take any more medication. It's all just so very frustrating.