Weight obsession

[N.Chaos]

Okay, let me start off by saying I've always been overweight. Fluxuated throughout my life from being a few lbs overweight to, about half a year ago, hitting 310 lbs. Combination of a nearly nonexistant metabolism, excessive depression and not doing anything for 3/4 of the year (due to my retarded thyroid, I'm really sensitive to extreme temperatures, especially in the summer).

When I was still being a girl, I didn't care much about my weight. It's always been an inconvenience really. Harder to find clothes that fit, harder to make them last, stuff like that. (That I can remember) I was never really depressed or anything about it, up until about a month or so ago.

And the dumb thing is NOTHING prompted it. No one's harassed me, I'd actually just started working out again, and it just...out of the blue started messing with me. To the point where I was convinced that our scale was broken, but only for me, because it said I was 260. I kept looking at myself thinking "I can't POSSIBLY be 260. I'm effing huge".  Tried on a bunch of pants that haven't fit in years and they were loose on me again, took bunches of pictures to try and convince myself that I HAVE lost weight, but it still wouldn't get through my head. I've barely eaten in the past two weeks because of it, and I'm so damn ashamed to say that. This is so ridiculously out of character for me. I've always made jokes about my gut, but it never actually bugged me.

Out of the blue, man. Nobody's insulted me in a damn long time. I've been getting ridiculous amounts of compliments on a forum I frequent whenever I post new pictures, Julie keeps insisting that I've lost weight but I just feel like everyone's lying. I feel like I'm losing my damn mind.

It's not bad enough that I hate my chest, or my ID. No, I need to develop this completely random weight/eating issue now.
FFS, I'm actually starting to get HAPPY when I realize I'm so hungry I'm nauseous. I used to bitch at people to eat, cooking is one of my hobbies, one of my depression-ridding go-tos and I can't do it because I just get scared I'm going to eat. That's just...sick.

Coming from the family I came from, a huge Italian family with a serious love for food, I feel like I'm stabbing myself in the back or something. If my grandma was here, she'd kick my ass.

This is pissing me off/scaring me. I just wanted to know if this is common, or if anyone else has ever had this crop up out of nowhere like this?
It doesn't help that there's that whole stigma on weight issues that "only women obsess about their weight" making me feel more and more emasculated.

[Natkat]

its not only women who has it, but I think its more comman for women because of the fashion infection of these very skinny girls.
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[spenceroar]

Hey man,
that sucks to hear your body image troubles are giving you grief, that musn't be very fun.
I noticed you said you've been limiting what you eat, and just wanted to say this could be counterproductive to losing any weight at all. Humans are prone to going into "starvation mode" when food isn't regularly eaten, meaning whatever fat your body already has (and everyone has some, we need it!) it will hold onto for dear life, as it feels as though there isn't a good possibility of being fed anytime soon.
Maybe you might try focusing on how great your muscles are looking, rather than how much weight your are/are not losing?
Hang in there, and if it doesn't get any better soon I'd highly suggest seeking help, you don't really want this to get out of hand. It's your body, dude, and it's a pretty rad thing to take care of.

[Sharky]

I went through something similar about a year ago. I was always overweight and everyone in my family is too. I'm not full Italian, half Irish with a little German. But I was raised by my Italian grandmother. Even though she was born here when she moved out of her family's home she had to americanise the way she talked. My great grandfather didn't even consider himself white. Food is a big deal. My family has to feed everyone that walks in the door. When I was little I remember we had a problem with ants and this exterminater was always coming out. Pretty soon he had a place at the table. Over eating is encouraged and expected. If you don't you'll get asked if you're sick. The people in my family also get insulted when you don't eat enough. I was at an uncle's funeral a few months ago and at the restaurant my aunt was complaining that my one cousin didn't eat enough at Thanksgiving last year, which was 6+ months prior. Eating isn't always optional.

Anyway about a year ago being fat started to bother me alot. My grandmother was definitely not supportive of my weight loss. She was constantly bringing me plates of food and deserts. I somehow managed to get down to a ok weight for my height,thinner than I'd ever thought id be. My grandma was constantly saying how i was too thin and that I needed to eat. That it was hurting her that I wasn't enjoying her cooking,

I was never "skinny" but for awhile I thought I was becoming anorexic. I was so obsessed with counting calories and burning off what I ate. The I rarely ate over 800 calories. What broke the obsession was going down the shore. Now that I'm "back to normal" I think it was just dysphoria manifesting. A lot of guys worry about their weight. Most of the people I can think of who are famous for weight loss are guys, like the subway guy.

[Windmill]

Hey man,

First off sorry things aren't going to well in the food/image department right now.  I was anorexic for a few years and I think I can empathize with someof the feelings that you mentioned.  I'm going to try my best not to go all shrink-y on you, but I can share with you what I learned through the long process of disease, recovery, and a ->-bleeped-<-load of therapy on the subject.  In my experience food obsessions and body dysmorphia (the inability to see onesself as they truly look, such as you mentioned with your weight loss) are actually not really about the outward appearance so much as they are about other problems that your mind/brain is rerouting into a different area.  This is sometimes rerouted into the areas of food and appearance because it is something that we a) deem ourselves more able to control as it is a tangible thing and b) something to easily beat ourselves up over, other people have different things, other addictions, etc.  A common trait amongst anorexia symptoms is that they are used as a tool to deny and punish onesself for perceived faults and worthlessness, especially because food is one of our most basic needs and the denial of which sends you mental and physical pain (such as the nausea and hunger pangs) that then make you feel better for denying yourself.

Honestly my eating disorder just always felt to me like this big black hole inside of me that was always sucking every bit of my identity up into it, when I first met my therapist I actually couldn't tell her one thing I liked to do because I honestly had absolutely no idea.  I was always scared to eat, I always thought people were lying to me, and I believed that no one loved me and those who believed they did only felt that way because they didn't know the 'real' me, the me who I thought was the scum of the earth unfit to live. 

I'm not trying to scare you or diagnose you and I don't know if this helps at all, but if you think that you are developing an eating disorder or are having disordered eating I would strongly urge you to find counseling of some kind, even (or especially) if some part of you wants to indulge the desire to restrict your food.  A lot of people don't get it, but anorexia (and other e.d.s) are really addictive to those who have them, you get a sick high off of ever aspect of it even as it makes you more miserable and brainless (believe me your brain cells die w/o food, there are years I barely remember) and once it starts it is really, really hard to pull yourself out of that hole. 

Sorry for the length, hope I helped some.  Good luck man, be safe and I hope things start picking up for you.

[Alex37]

I don't really have much advice, but I can relate.  If it continues, see a therapist if you can or look for support on eating disorder forums- Laura's Playground has a board for eating disorders.  I was anorexic in high school, and I know what you mean about being happy that you feel sick from not eating.  I did it because I felt like food was the only thing in my life that I had any control over, and being underweight is like getting free hormone blockers.  It crops up again when I'm stressed (like right now,) especially when I'm stressed about passing since you can't really have female body fat distribution when you don't have body fat.  I'm sorry it's not much help, but you're the only one who can tell you why you're doing this, and a therapist can help.  And I understand being embarrassed about having a stereotypical girl problem.  Lots of guys have eating disorders though, so don't worry about it. 

Spenceroar is right.  If you don't eat enough your metabolism will slow down, which will make it even more difficult to lose weight, and then when you start eating normally again it will take time to speed up, so you'll gain weight even more weight.  If you want to lose weight, it's better to eat small, healthy meals through out the day, eat when you're hungry, and only when you're hungry, and exercise at least a little bit. 

Hang in there man.

[Nero]

A lot of guys worry about their weight. Most of the people I can think of who are famous for weight loss are guys, like the subway guy.

True. I think the main difference is that most guys don't start worrying about it until they're pretty big whereas girls start worrying about it beyond size 0. 

Chaos,
I wonder if this has anything to do with transitioning. It can change body image.

[Sharky]

True. I think the main difference is that most guys don't start worrying about it until they're pretty big whereas girls start worrying about it beyond size 0. 

Chaos,
I wonder if this has anything to do with transitioning. It can change body image.

When a girl told me she was a size 0 I laughed and she got insulted. I didn't mean to insinuate she was fat I just thought it was funny that there was a size 0. There's even a 00.

[tekla]

I think it hits women on the clothing issue, men get concerned when it starts to change performance stuff.  When you start getting slower doing things you love, when you start to notice that you're really tired after 18 holes when you used to finish up feeling refreshed, when it starts to get harder to get out hunting, hiking, climbing and all that.  Guys really notice it when it occurs to them that they almost have to race to keep up, when they used to be leading.  And some of that is unfortunate, the girls notice far sooner, when it's much easier to do something about it.

[N.Chaos]

Whoadamn, I didn't expect so many responses. Thanks, everybody who responded, seriously. Its great to get any kind of feedback, especially because whenever I bring this up around my friends they get either worried as hell or keep trying to convince me I'm not as fat as I think I am.

Spenceroar, that's the worst part, I already have a signifigantly slow metabolism and common sense be damned, I keep doing it. It's so stupid X_X

Sharky, that's almost exactly how my mom's side (the Italian side) is. Food has so many good memories to me, the whole family aspect of it, and I absolutely love cooking for my friends/family I just...agh. Hate that this has thrown such a huge kink into that. My family hasn't noticed, luckily, because they'd absolutely freak out. Especially my aunts.  I'm sorry you went through all that, though. Its scary ->-bleeped-<-. I think you're probably right, though, about it being the dysphoria finding a new and exciting way to screw me up. All the guys I admire and look up to and wish I could be, they're all skinny. And I'm, well, not.

Windmill, don't worry about scaring me, it's just a massive relief to know that I'm not alone on this honestly. The fact that I seem to get addicted to things and habits easily probably isn't good, is it? I've been an on and off self abuser since I was about 11-12, had drug problems all through high school, and I've fallen into alcoholism twice since I was 13. I've decided that it doesn't matter on the method, I'm just apparently addicted to self destruction of any sort. Which I'm also going to go ahead and blame on dysphoria (and other ->-bleeped-<-, to a lesser extent).

I plan on talking to a few friends of mine on another board I frequent about it, if only for somewhere to vent and hopefully get more advice on how to not royally screw myself up.

[insideontheoutside]

I was going to say that I think it's "misplaced" feelings as well. Emotions have a strange way of working sometimes. I've clued in on lots of things where I'm seemingly upset about something and really it's something else. For instance. Upset about going somewhere or being "seen" or something and then I realize that what is really bothering me is fear of change and doing something new or something I'm not used to.

I'm Italian as well and definitely know what everyone's talking about on the food front! We made eggplant Parmesan tonight And my grandmother was the same way - you could not go to her house without eating and the minute you walk in the door it was like, "sit! eat!". But the food is so damn good too. I could never give up pasta, etc! What I would do if I were you is think about what else is bothering you - especially in the last couple months. Then think about what your absolutely favorite foods are - and let yourself eat and enjoy those, at least once a week, while you gain an appetite back.

It may even be something like even after losing the 50lbs (which is actually a great accomplishment) you're still subconsciously beating yourself up for not "doing better" or not losing more or any number of things. It's that kind of "hidden" negative self talk that starts to manifest in different ways in your conscious mind.

[PixieBoy]

I wish there was something easy that I could do to make me skinny. I want to be skinny. Bones are pretty when they show through the skin. I don't want to have these thighs, these hips, these feminine bits of fat here and there. I'm actually a bit pudgy now (65 kilos and growing, sadly), and I'm starting to worry about it. My face is soft and not sharp.

I struggled with these thoughts some years ago, and now they're back. I think it's because now I actually am pudgy whereas before I looked fairly normal.

Losing 50 pounds is awesome, I congratulate you, Nick! Sorry for whining in your thread.

[N.Chaos]

It may even be something like even after losing the 50lbs (which is actually a great accomplishment) you're still subconsciously beating yourself up for not "doing better" or not losing more or any number of things. It's that kind of "hidden" negative self talk that starts to manifest in different ways in your conscious mind.

Entirely possible. Like it's still not enough and all that fun stuff, knowing me and the way my self-hatey little mind works, I'd almost definitely say that's it.

PixieBoy, no worries about ranting, ranting is a good thing <3

(It's not exactly healthy, but a lot of that weight I lost because I can't eat much in the summer and drink constant water. So, while it was miserable and I was sick constantly, at least something good came out of it).

[Preston]

When a girl told me she was a size 0 I laughed and she got insulted. I didn't mean to insinuate she was fat I just thought it was funny that there was a size 0. There's even a 00.

Yeah, I was anorexic for ten years. It really did a number on my body. I'm trying to actually gain weight but it's nearly impossible for me. While I still have issues looking in the mirror and thinking i'm fat, sometimes being told i'm really skinny is almost insulting. It's weird how things change. I was a size 0 (and still am in girls jeans). Weight is something that society has forced us to believe is some cookie cutter look when it's anything but. Sorry to hear about your predicament, man. That ->-bleeped-<- sucks.