i dont want to be a transexual

[char]

hi all,
my story is not what your used to hearing.   i am barely 19 yrs old.  i have been fighting cancer since i was thirteen.  testicular cancer runs in my family.  my father died from it when i was eight.  i found lumps on each teste the summer i turned 13.  i had an orchiectomy two yrs later when chemo didnt work. then continued chemo for 3 more yrs because  the  DR also found prostate cancer.  during my treatment i lost 70 lbs (all my muscle) and a lot of my bone mass.   now i am 5'8" 110 lbs and starting to look human again.  overall i am thankfull for my DRs.  here is my problem. i have severe osteoporosis(-4.2) and must start massive doses of hrt estrogen therapy imediately.   the DR explained clearly (at lenth) the unavoidable result.  no matter what i will never become a man.  i am small framed, thin, fine featured and have my moms rounded face.  there is no way that hrt will not produce very feminine traits.  when i was in the hospital everyone mistook me for a bald girl .

i like guy stuff and used to be athletic and i dont know the first thing about being a girl.  i am terror striken.  what ever anyone can do to help is appreciated.

PS  my DR told me to be thankfull to live as a woman.  i allmost didnt make it, so i know he is right.  i just dont know how to "pull it off"

[Sandy]

Char:

My heart goes out to you.  For one so young as you to have to endure such terrible trials.  It saddens me greatly that you must bear such a heavy burden.

No, you are not transsexual in the strictest sense.  The specific definition is usually one where a persons mind and personal feelings are opposite of what their physical body displays.  This is usually manifest in earliest childhood, and not brought about by external changes.  Though, of course, you are welcome here and loved.

You are being changed as the only recourse to save your life.  And to that, to be sure, is something to be grateful for, though hardly one you would have ever imagined.

We can offer solace and advice.  And commiserate with you on the issues you will surely face.

Many of us have been through what you are about to face, but we chose this path where you have been forced onto it.

We will walk with you and help you any way we can, all you need do is ask.  No question is too silly or too outrageous.

Welcome, my friend!

-Sandy

[Devlyn]

Hi Char, welcome to Susans! You're right, that's not what we're used to hearing here. You are a strong person. Look around the site, there are tips and advice for being any gender you wish, or none at all! Just be you is the rule of the day. Hugs, Tracey

[xAndrewx]

Welcome to the site Char 

I'm very sorry for what you have gone through, you must be a very strong person. Just try to remember in the end all that matters is you. On this site you will meet men and women whom the world sometimes sees as the opposite gender, I point this out because although people may mistake you for female, you are the person that you are inside whether that be male, female, androgynous, or genderqueer. Just be you. At this time I'm avoiding pronouns until you mention which ones you prefer (in case you wondered why I hadn't used any). Best of luck and I hope your treatment works for you. I look forward to seeing you around the forum.

[justmeinoz]

Welcome, and sorry to hear you have had such a rough trot.  To have made it through  at such a young age, you have shown how tough you are. 
As has been said, don't feel embarrassed  about any question,  they are totally legitimate, because each of us has got here via a different road.  It might be a good idea to seek out a specialist gender therapist to help with a lot of your questions as they have access to a lot of experience and resources.  Don't be afraid to open up to them, as you have had to cope with a hell of  a lot.

Karen.

[missF]

Hi char

Your life story shows, as others said, how tough and brave you are going through so much and being so young. I''m sure here is a good place to open up, not to get advices only but support whenever you need. One thing that came to my mind, though, is that I imagine that your osteoporosis is due the lack of hormones since you had to have an orchi so young, and I understand the reason also why you need estrogens. However, have you talked with your dr. about having a supplementation of testosterone as well, in a way to counter act a bit the estrogens? I'm not sure if that makes much sense medically speaking since I'm not an endocrinologist but wh not trying to seek such info (if you haven't sought yet?)

A big tight hug,

Flavia

[Sarah Louise]

You don't pull it off, you see a different doctor and ask why they are not giving you "massivie" doses of Testosterone and other medications that other people take for osteoporosis.

If your not a girl, your not and no one should force you to be.  You don't need testicles to be a man, being a man (or woman) is in your head (mind) and soul.

[char]

thanks for youralls thoughts

to clarify, testosterone is permanently of the list as it feeds prostate cancer.   my DOC is not forcing me to become a girl.   i will not live more than a few more years if i dont take estrogen, not to mention the cognitive losses, because boniva(and the like) will not produce enough quality bone mass to make a difference.  i have had many second opinions and done the research myself.  nothing builds quality bone mass like an estrogen complex.

in my mind i have really clear gender lines that i have to cross.  i used to be a little stud.  now thats gone.   i dont want to live as a guy with boobs and a pretty face.  but i cant go back.   i honestly dont know what to say or how to ask for help but i  am sure i need help.

[Jasper]

Char, we are all here to help you.

I may not know very much about what you've been through or what you're facing, but I do know that this community is extremely welcoming and that we here at Susan's will do whatever we can to help your mind through this.

[Sandy]

thanks for youralls thoughts

to clarify, testosterone is permanently of the list as it feeds prostate cancer.   my DOC is not forcing me to become a girl.   i will not live more than a few more years if i dont take estrogen, not to mention the cognitive losses, because boniva(and the like) will not produce enough quality bone mass to make a difference.  i have had many second opinions and done the research myself.  nothing builds quality bone mass like an estrogen complex.

in my mind i have really clear gender lines that i have to cross.  i used to be a little stud.  now thats gone.   i dont want to live as a guy with boobs and a pretty face.  but i cant go back.   i honestly dont know what to say or how to ask for help but i  am sure i need help.

I can see where you could no longer be able to use testosterone.

It sounds like you are well researched.  And for that you should be commended.

I have no idea of the turmoil you must be in.  I'm sure that you must have received some counselling in regards to your condition and if you are currently in therapy, please continue to do so.

I might add that you may want to see a therapist who has training in gender transition.  They can give you advice about how best to integrate yourself into society as a woman.  Most of us go with gender therapy because we usually have pre-conceived ideas about how living as the opposite gender works, but it is usually not that simple. 

While society considers gender in a binary sort of way, male/female, it really is a spectrum.  There are macho women and effeminate men and everything in between.  You will have to decide how you want society to view you.  And whatever you are comfortable with will be completely all right.  This is the point of gender counselling, to help you become comfortable with yourself as you make your way through life.

No one is asking you to become a flouncy, skirt wearing, little girl.  Just be the best person as you possibly can.

-Sandy

[JessicaH]

If you don't want breasts, they have a procedure to radiate them to stop that. It is used on men going through prostate cancer issues wanting to avoid these things. Don't let the doctors or anyone else tell YOU who YOU are. Just becasue he figures its easier to make you female at this point doesnt mean anything if you arent female. Make your voice heard since they are not the ones going to live your life. Be forcefull if you have too!

Good luck, Jessica

[justmeinoz]

Hi Char.
  Now that I have composed myself after reading your post I was wondering have you told your family just what you are feeling?  Often we parents assume that because our children are not showing their emotions, that things are better than they really are.  I have two adult children who were adept at hiding their issues during my separation from my wife, so really opening up to your family really would help.  If it means tears and such, so be it.

Do you have any female relatives, friends or sisters who you can ask for help on a practical level? 
Have your Dr's put you in contact with any support groups like CanTeen, here? It's one thing to say something general, but there are plenty of times we all need real practical help.

You have a supportive family here, who have a wide range of expertise and qualifications, so ask and someone is likely to have some sort of answer. 
JessicaH's suggestion regarding preventing breast growth sounds useful, is that applicable in your case?

Karen.

[char]

i have a very close female friend, no siblings and my mother sold her house to pay my med bills and then returned to finland two years ago.  i have no other connections.  i am living with my friend  for a year now and she is supportive.   she is thankfull to me because we met in high school (she is four years older) and i helped her through chemistry, and then we studied together the whole time she was in college.  i have an apptitude for hard science, so she calls me her personal live in tutor.   she is now working in industry.  she told me i can stay as long as i need to, but i am sure she would also like to have her space too, but she is too genuine to say that.  when i left the hospital i had nothing except my toothbrush and she took me in.  she said she would help me to transition, teach me to pass as a woman if that was what i wanted.  if i didnt love her as a friend i would fall in love with her.  thats how wonderfull she is.  i have an appointment to see an endocrinologist this week.  the time has come

[Renee_]

no matter what i will never become a man

[humor]I know what you mean ;-) After 30 years of Testosterone poisoning I still haven't become a man and am about to start estrogen HRT so I can start looking like the woman I've always been.[/humor]

my DR told me to be thankfull to live as a woman.  i allmost didnt make it, so i know he is right.  i just dont know how to "pull it off"

You can't pull off being a woman unless you are one. This board is full of people who can attest to that. There is a lot more to gender than appearance. Who are you, a man or a woman? If you're a woman great it sounds like you've got a lot going for you in transition. If you're a man, instead of trying to live life as a woman try visiting the FTM boards for suggestions how to present your true gender in a body that "naturally" looks more female. Being on estrogen won't make you a woman, being taught to act like a woman won't make you a woman. And there are plenty of FTM's here to tell you you can still be a man inspite of having an estrogen based body.

Decide who you are then figure out how to work within your options to present that to the world the best you can. Medical necessity doesn't determine gender anymore than chromosomes do.

[Keaira]

Char,

I can see you are an incredibly strong person. You've gone through so much in such a small amount of time. You will find a lot of help on here.
Now, the world isnt over yet. You are still a guy even if you might appear to be a girl. You can still do guy stuff. Ironically, Girls seem to have the freedom to do guy and girl stuff. You dont have to dress as a girl if you dont want to either. I think rather than worry about being a guy or a girl, you should focus on being you. No one can tell you who to be or who you are. Only you can. So you're body might change a little. People who judge you based on your appearance aren't worth the time getting to know. Your true friends will be the one who still see you for you, whether you appear to be male or female.

Meanwhile, we'll be here for ya. Whether your bummed out or you just did something awesome, we'll be around to pick you up  and cheer you on. ^_^

[char]

thanks everyone and thanks to renee and keaira for your very helpful comments. you said exactly what i have been thinking but have been unable to articulate. i am a guy(though i am currently wearing my roomates silky PJs and look more girl than boy).  i think as a guy, talk as a guy,  walk as a guy, but dont look much like one anymore.  i am still stuck in my mind with my very clear gender lines, though my reality is giving them a beating.  its hard for me to see or accept myself as inbetween genders.  i know others do it with great success, but to me it seems impossible to feel normal "inbetween".  i just want desperately to be accepted socially and that seems to require being one or the other.  i barely leave the house now because of how i look.   i am sure some that have transitioned completely might agree.   i cant endure the puzzled looks i sometimes get when i have to go out.   it is really hard

[justmeinoz]

If anyone has any negative comments, I'd give them both barrels!  Ask them if they have had testicular and prostate cancer at your age, and how they'd feel about what they have just said. In a loud voice, so everyone around knows what an ignorant and heartless bastard they are!

Some people deserve to be made to feel embarrassed.

Karen.

[annette]

Hi Char

In the first place ...welcome.
Wow, what a story, I feel sorry for you.
For what I read, you don't have any other option than taking Estrogene.

We all know how it is to live in a (physically) gender that don't compare with the mind.
We do have a choice to change that, you don't,.....horrible.

The only thing we can do is support you and let's hope your life can still be a happy and worthfull life for you.
You look a nice person to me and you have my deepest sympathy.

I'm sorry you have to go trough all this.

Please, keep us updated and ask whatever you want to know, we know something about taking Estrogene.

hugs, friend
Annette

[Cindy]

I'm sorry I didn't want to post this but this is not how testicular cancer with prostate  cancer is treated. There is no medical reason to feminise a person against their will. There are several drugs that will counter osteoporosis in this case.  The prostate would have been removed, high dose AA would have been given and androgen substitutes prescribed.


This is my opinion and I will not be drawn into an argument that will be counter productive to all.
I work in this area. At your age you would be in a clinical trial. I would have given you high dose AA your prostate removed and on high dose androgen supplements.  You would also be on one of several calcium replacement drugs. Your testes word have been rebuilt so they looked normal. And you would be in massive counselling to get you through it and anyone who said anything about feminizing you would have been hung drawn and quartered.

I am not going to respond to this thread again. It is, in my opinion; untruthful. I have reported it twice and have received no feedback. But there seems to be a problem in communications at the moment.

Cindy 

[Keaira]

we've all had those puzzled looks at some point or another in our transition. It takes a heck of a lot of courage to take it too. So dont ever feel ashamed. You've had to have had a fighting spirit to make it this far. Dont give up now! You did a lot of research on your own to see what your options are. Now, why dont you see what we can teach you about coping, clothing and just making the best of what has happened. I think you deserve the right to live a little and not feel like you need to hide from the world. Heck, you might even inspire someone else to survive.

Since you are a guy, you should probably see what you can learn from the FtM's here. However, dont think you are not welcome among us MtF's.
You may have questions for us girls too.  We all support each other because the rest of the world would rather we suffer quietly alone.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

*hugs*