me

[jillian]

 Im trying so hard.
So days I feel so beautiful

Then things happen like trying to find shoes for our vacation.
Payless has size 13. I order them, and 2 days before we are supposed to leave I get an email that says they messed up and they are not in stock.
Its colder in oregon and all I have is sandals. 
Payless in town dont have my size.
Then I buy the derma make up to hide my shadow that laser is eating away at, and it makes me look like michael jackson :-(

Sometimes things feel hopeless, utterly.   People dont understand the pain I aam enduring over stuff that you wouldnt think was a big deal.
What even crazier is my sisters are resenting my spouse, but she is really the only thing thats been keeping my heart beating.
Sometimes I wish she would just leave me so I could face myself alone.

I dont think I am ugly, I just think I stand out. I dont know that I want to.
I cried so hard my throat hurts and i have no snot left:/ 

ive come so far. 4 months and I am in love with my new body.
my forearms are my only qualm really, but i know in time that will change.
idk, this was a spur of the moment vacation to check out a place we are contemplating moving

you think i could just be grateful that I can afford laser, make up, shoes, vacation, and everything else.....
I suck, sorry for whinning.....

[Diane Elizabeth]

Sorry about your shoes.  We all have days of whinning.  Sonetimes I think that I am the biggest (most posts) whiner around.  You will have better days ahead so relax and enjoy your journey.  this, comming from some one that has a sore butt from all the bumps encountered on my journey. 

[Stephe]

Sometimes things feel hopeless, utterly. 

Yes they do.

Several years ago I had gotten to a place of being a fairly attractive androgynous person that was a "safe" place but I had limits to how far I could go without there being problems. I thought this would solve my GID but honestly just made things worse. I finally got to a point of "screw this, I'm a woman" and made some major changes to my appearance and how I presented myself. This early period was hard to deal with but things got easier as time passed and I learned better how to do all of this. Today I am finally so happy I can't describe it so there IS a place at the end of the rainbow so to speak. Just remember this and keep pushing forward

[justmeinoz]

A sudden attack of GID like that is a shock to the system, but will pass, just nasty having to wait for that to happen.
I had that happen a couple of weeks ago, and the girls here helped my get through it just by letting me know they were here.
You are not whining, your plans have been stuffed around by someone else. If it is going to be cold in Oregon, what about a pair of elastic sided work boots or similar to keep dry?  men and women basically wear the same.

Karen.

[Rabbit]

I don't understand why you are rushing (or why anyone does).

I mean, I understand wanting to get there (really really I do). But, trying to jump into things before enough changes have happened and making yourself stand out / uncomfortable is just torturing you! Why make a hard sittuation even harder?

Me? I am only playing around with makeup at home (so I can learn it and get better at it). I never wear it in public and still dress male. I don't put headbands on outside the house and I generally just act normally (and am recieved normally). I'm at about 6 months into hormones, but I won't start pushing things in public until I am more ready (and more able to blend in). Even then, I will push things as slowly as possible... going through andro style clothing so everyone is comfortable (and I am comfortable with peoples reactions). Also, I am letting my hair grow out before I even think about full-time or something like that (and completely getting rid of my beard)

Of course, I have done things like eyebrows or nailpolish. But they were slow changes and everyone is used to it (And they were changes I did one day at a time, so I wasn't as stressed or feeling like I had done something super obvious / standout-ish).

So.... why the rush? If you slow down and tackle things with a more careful and aware approach to how others are reacting to you... you will be happier, more comfortable, and more accepted.

But, that is just how I am approaching it

[jillian]

I here what you are saying rabbit, but I cant do that.   I am not comfortable as male or female.
I am also not comfortable letting others define me.
I may never fit in, I may always stand out. I have to find my solace within me, being me.


Thanks girls. Today is a new day

[Nikki_Mercedes]

you CAN do this! trust me. try shoedazzle.com for your shoes handbags and accessories. They have big shoes and all items are 39.99. You get free shipping and no hassle returns. As far as the makeup goes, pick a color that is the same tone as your skin. When you put on foundation it should be no lighter and no darker than your natural skin tone. Facial hair looks darker than skin so my guess would be that you can use a concealer (again, pick the tone and color that best matches your natural tone) this goes on under your foundation. You can get a lot of great highly pigmented makeup from your local drug store aND FAIRLY REASONABLE PRICED TOO. tHE ONE THING  (sorry for capps) i recommend going a little higher end on (MAC is GREAT makeup) foundation and powder. Determine skin type (dry, normal, or oily) and then choose your foundation formula. I also recommend picking up some MAC finishing spritzer to set makeup.

This is not easy for any of us. You have to decide how bad you want it and then if you want it bad enough, you fight for it. I mean that. If money is an issue (as it use to be for me) just do something small each day, whatever you are able to do. you know? I know because I use to live in hardcore gang neighborhood (18th street) then moved into MS13 neighborhood (they really hated me) but now, I live in west hollywood. I am in beauty school, i go get my hormone shot every month and take my pills every morning......


HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT

[Nikki_Mercedes]

BTW from your profile pic, you have GREAT facial structure, dark eyes and dark hair, if you were here in LA i would love to doll you up!

[Stephe]

Me? I am only playing around with makeup at home (so I can learn it and get better at it). I never wear it in public and still dress male. I don't put headbands on outside the house and I generally just act normally (and am recieved normally). I'm at about 6 months into hormones, but I won't start pushing things in public until I am more ready (and more able to blend in).

You are in what I call "the easy phase". People still see you as a guy. You haven't even started to push buttons yet. Very few people are ever really "ready" nor is transition easy. Nothing you are doing screams "OK I'm not a guy". People are will to accept a range on femness, but there is a line they don'[t want you to cross.

You will soon find out there is a middle ground that is uncomfortable for you and the people around you. You will get to a place where ANYTHING more you do will get bad reactions from people. You will feel stuck. At some point you have to jump -across- the line. Then being just on the other side of this line is painful too but it's the starting point to healing. I tried that "ease into being a woman" myself and it just doesn't work like you are thinking it will.