coming out ...

[the_physicist]

Hey all!

I'm so glad I found this forum, this looks like a great place with lots of fantastic people! 

I'm very nervous about coming out as androgyn to people, especially my family. Um, how was it for you guys? I'm massively afraid as I always got a lot of bad comments about the way I looked and tried to hide my breasts at school, that when I went to uni i started dressing feminine (and of course got lots of good comments, sigh). but i can't do this anymore! growing up the bullying wasn't too bad i guess and at least i was treated as somewhat of a tomboy. now I'm treated like a girl and I don't want to be treated like that anymore.

but i'm very scared of coming out because of all the comments people have made in the past. so thinking that I'll just throw out 90% of my wardrobe, cut my hair short again like I used to wear it at school (1-2 inches) and maybe i won't need to tell people, they'll just get the message without me having to spell it out to them?

When i have to tell people i'm vegetarian i have always had to put up with enough crap already, i really don't think i want to have to explain my sexual identity.


what have your experiences been?

[Sevan]

Coming out is a challenge. People have either not heard of androgyny at all, or assume it's that fashion statement that they're still not really sure what it is.
You have to remember that you're about to tell them something that most have never even considered. A third gender? But there's only two...right? You're often going to talk to people who have literally never questioned their gender once.

Coming out as androgyn wasn't so difficult for me in most situations...except my parents. Most people don't understand...and most trans folk I meet assume I'm male. (due to my active transition with use of testosterone) I just kind of...shrug it off.

[Julian]

Coming out to the few people who know about me wasn't too terribly difficult. The way I explained it was that I didn't identify as a woman, but I didn't identify as a man either. People seem to just leave it at that.

I never got bad comments about my appearance or anything though. The worst was "wow, you actually look like a girl today" when I wore a skirt.

[foosnark]

I actually opened up the "what the hell am I?" phase to some of my friends and acquaintances who are open minded and used to weirdness.  The main thing I gained from that was a sense that it's not really a big deal.

When I "came out" to family and to Facebook friends, I explained my thought process, how I'd always had this "girl brain thing" as I called it in the background as long as I could remember, and outlined what I was going to do differently -- namely, not change pronouns or name and only change a little about personal appearance.  It made almost no waves at all.

My family had already gone through my brother coming out first as lesbian and then as FtM, and me being vegetarian for a few years and then converting to a non-Christian religion they had never heard of... so they don't really shock easily.  It was also pretty clear that I wasn't really a macho man, heh.

As for Facebook, my post got one like and no comments among 200+ friends so it probably wasn't very visible.  I'm not going to shout it to the rooftops and make sure everyone indicates they've read it though.

The three awkward place in my life are work (not too bad really; I'm willing to interdress there and people will not comment), taiko (where the director is a smartass and they have a bad history with a couple of TG folks, making it a little uncomfortable), and in-laws (some of whom are conservative Fox News types, luckily avoidable 98% of the year).

[Pica Pica]

I have never come out. I just altered my way of doing things as felt fit and when they asked (at first) why I was doing things differently, I said I felt more myself doing it.

Now, I just do what I do and my friends and family tell me that I'm neither male nor female.

They do the hard work for me.

[the_physicist]

Wow, thank you all for replying in such detail! You're all amazing!    I was feeling a bit alone when I wrote that post.

Coming out is a challenge. People have either not heard of androgyny at all, or assume it's that fashion statement that they're still not really sure what it is.
You have to remember that you're about to tell them something that most have never even considered. A third gender? But there's only two...right? You're often going to talk to people who have literally never questioned their gender once.

Coming out as androgyn wasn't so difficult for me in most situations...except my parents. Most people don't understand...and most trans folk I meet assume I'm male. (due to my active transition with use of testosterone) I just kind of...shrug it off.

Thank you for your detailed reply! Yeah, I can imagine that most think it's just a fashion statement, because, well, androgynous dress sense is also a fashion statement. Except you don't have to be androgyn to dress that way, right? So yeah, I can see what you mean with people just not getting it.

Yeah, it's my family I'm most not worried, but nervous, about, although on the other hand I'd kind of hope they'd just think back to my childhood and all of my adolesence and be like: okay, that figures. But of course I'm their 'little girl'. 

I hope your transition with the hormones is going/went well. *hugs*

Coming out to the few people who know about me wasn't too terribly difficult. The way I explained it was that I didn't identify as a woman, but I didn't identify as a man either. People seem to just leave it at that.

I never got bad comments about my appearance or anything though. The worst was "wow, you actually look like a girl today" when I wore a skirt.

I'm also hoping people now will comment more nicely than people at school did, hehe. I think it's just that I'll worry that they are just holding back on saying the same things my school mates said. Then again, they were mostly idiots and I like to think I've found better friends now. Maybe I just need to build up my confidence slowly. Thank you so much for your reply!

I actually opened up the "what the hell am I?" phase to some of my friends and acquaintances who are open minded and used to weirdness.  The main thing I gained from that was a sense that it's not really a big deal.

When I "came out" to family and to Facebook friends, I explained my thought process, how I'd always had this "girl brain thing" as I called it in the background as long as I could remember, and outlined what I was going to do differently -- namely, not change pronouns or name and only change a little about personal appearance.  It made almost no waves at all.

My family had already gone through my brother coming out first as lesbian and then as FtM, and me being vegetarian for a few years and then converting to a non-Christian religion they had never heard of... so they don't really shock easily.  It was also pretty clear that I wasn't really a macho man, heh.

As for Facebook, my post got one like and no comments among 200+ friends so it probably wasn't very visible.  I'm not going to shout it to the rooftops and make sure everyone indicates they've read it though.

The three awkward place in my life are work (not too bad really; I'm willing to interdress there and people will not comment), taiko (where the director is a smartass and they have a bad history with a couple of TG folks, making it a little uncomfortable), and in-laws (some of whom are conservative Fox News types, luckily avoidable 98% of the year).

Hehe, yes, I can see your family were well prepared! Even in my extended family there's not been any comings-out at all. I reckon my mum would probably be most receptive as I have a feeling she might reply by coming out to me as androgyne, as the more I think about it, I just can't help shake the feeling that's how she might actually identify. But I could be completely wrong of course and just hoping she'll understand XD.

I don't think I'd want to change my name either. Thank you for sharing that your experience has been that it's not a big deal. I am somehow pretty sure that it shouldn't be for me if came out, but I guess I can't help shake the feeling that people will be shaking their heads at me behind my back ... and somehow that bothers me. But I'm probably worrying far too much. I'm not sure I'll start worrying about the future in-laws now though. :-S I don't have to see them again for a while anyway as they live on another continent.

I'm very sorry to hear your in-laws give you a bit of a hard time, but I'm glad to hear you can avoid them at least. A shame you can't avoid that director! Maybe they will leave or wise up? I hope so! Do you have an special connection to Japan that you started Taiko? I had to google it, I'd never heard of it before! Wikipedia tells me the soundtrack of Battlestar Gallactica uses taiko drums. That's really cool, I never knew that, but always loved the sound of the drums in the soundtrack!

I have never come out. I just altered my way of doing things as felt fit and when they asked (at first) why I was doing things differently, I said I felt more myself doing it.

Now, I just do what I do and my friends and family tell me that I'm neither male nor female.

They do the hard work for me.

That sounds like such a good option (I'm scared of the hard work of talking about this issue) ... and kind of like what I'd hoped I might manage. I would love that people treat me differently if I just change my looks back to more androgynous again (but hopefully they'll treat me nicer now that its not a tiny school but the adult world! XD )

Thank you for those encouraging words!

[foosnark]

Not really... I fell in love with taiko when I saw the group perform last year at a festival some friends dragged me to.  Everyone on stage looked like they vwere having as much or more fun than the audience, and when they announced there was a beginners' class I jumped at the chance.  I hadn't performed with a group since the 80s and I missed it.

[the_physicist]

 
Sounds like a lot of fun! :-D

[caseyy]

I've taken a similar approach to Pica...see, I've already come out twice. First was as a lesbian, second was as FTM (before I came to realize I was androgyne).

Coming out, to me, seemed to be "justifying" it to others. Explaining it before they ask, or if they do get hostile, defending it. I'm sick of defending who I am. As a lesbian, I was sick of explaining that OMG NO I don't like guys! I just don't! As FTM, so sick of trying to convince people that I wasn't some messed up deviant (at least, not in that regard )

So, I refuse to taint my androgyne identity trying to explain it to others. I'm tired of defending myself, as if this is something that needs to be justified. If they ask, I'll explain it in a similar vein to Pica, and if they are very interested, I'll explain it to them properly.

[the_physicist]

I've taken a similar approach to Pica...see, I've already come out twice. First was as a lesbian, second was as FTM (before I came to realize I was androgyne).

Coming out, to me, seemed to be "justifying" it to others. Explaining it before they ask, or if they do get hostile, defending it. I'm sick of defending who I am. As a lesbian, I was sick of explaining that OMG NO I don't like guys! I just don't! As FTM, so sick of trying to convince people that I wasn't some messed up deviant (at least, not in that regard )

So, I refuse to taint my androgyne identity trying to explain it to others. I'm tired of defending myself, as if this is something that needs to be justified. If they ask, I'll explain it in a similar vein to Pica, and if they are very interested, I'll explain it to them properly.

Thank you so much for kindly replying, this really does help me! And makes me feel calmer too  .