I've started a true war between brothers

[Jeneva]

Ok, sorry for the bad Civil War reference, but my wife's obsession with history and specifically that time period has sort of rubbed off on me.

My wife and I had already decided that we weren't going to go to her mother's traditional Christmas Eve party since all of the family will be there including those who would preach the whole time.  And then we heard it was moved to my wife's aunt that totally rejected her when I came out.  We were sort of happy about this because if it wasn't at her mom's house then we wouldn't be expected to show.  However I just got off the phone with one of her cousins and it turns out that it was specifically moved to her aunts so that they could control the guest list and I am definitely not invited.  Personally I don't care, but because they are making sure everyone knows I'm not invited some of those invited are refusing the invitation too.  And now that they are all divided into two camps, they are starting to bring out all the old wounds and building up to a major explosion.  I've tried to calm the side that is mad because I am not invited, and tried to make sure they know I am ok with not being invited and I don't want to get in the way of their time with family.  Unfortunately, this has grown way past just me being UNinvited.

I'm afraid that this will make the uninviting side more hostile toward me because now they will think I am trying to sabotage their gathering.  And I don't want the supporters to feel they missed out and resent me for that.  How do I handle this in the best way?

[Nicole]

Maybe its a good thing.

I know when i came out, I was young and mum let every family member no that it was my side or the highway.

there was just the 1 time when things got bad, mum made a point to write that person off and the rwdt of the family are now happy and couldn't care less.

Maybe this will show those who are upset at it that tou don't care and you have great people on.your side

[Cindy]

I think in this situation the best idea may be to be completely quiet. You could phone up the supporters and say I'm fine with not being invited but that could be seen as encouraging them. By not saying anything to anyone, when your friends/relatives are asked why they didn't come and did you influence them, they can say with total honesty that you have not mentioned it too them.

Sorry re-reading your post you have already responded. Send a nice bunch of flowers to the Aunt, if you can timed with the party. With a nice message. Such as "We would have loved to be with our family at such a happy and holy time of year. The time of year that commemorates when Jesus and Mary were turned away from places of warmth, to finally give birth to Him in a stable.  We wish you a Happy and Holy Christmas Love XXX & XXX


Your wife sounds fantastic. She and you are two very lucky women 

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

Cindy has the right of it I think.  Maybe they will realise what Christmas is all about.
Karen.

[Jeneva]

Sorry re-reading your post you have already responded. Send a nice bunch of flowers to the Aunt, if you can timed with the party.

I've only responded to the one that called last night.  I wasn't planning on reaching out, but they are calling us.

Thank you for the compliment about my wife.  I love her dearly.  I was so afraid it was all over when I told her three years ago, but she has been my absolute strongest ally.

We're not planning on stirring it up, but they are calling us.

Actually I shouldn't say we're not stirring it up since we are going to tell her parents that they can't pick up our children.  We're blaming it on them not wanting to be there alone (and they would be miserable), but honestly we just don't want them exposed to that type of hate and rhetoric.  Even before I was out we've never let them be around bigotry in any fashion and tried to teach them to accept people as they are.

[Bird]

Jeneva, it is not your fault if they have issues. My TG condition has brought up issues that were "asleep" in my family as well, but they already were there, and it is not my, or yours fault, that they have no solved those issues peacefully. Any kind of stress could bring those issues back up again.

[lilacwoman]

the aunt is a .... so obviously you cut her out of your life.

invite all the nice folks over the day before or after?