When to make them call you "he"

[Wolf Man]

I'm having trouble with this simply because I'm a big flippin' push-over. I let people walk all over me.

I only recently came out to my family about a month ago, but I've been on T for 3 months now, don't have any legal changes, and I've been going as a male to school for just under 2 years and at work the entire time I've been there, which is just over a year. I'm male in every aspect of my life and I pass with flying colors, but I can't seem to get my family to stick to calling me by my male name and by male pronouns.

I actually just had a dream about these situations and they kept calling me by my old name and female pronouns and I flipped out. I yelled at them that I was sick of it, that I'm not going to take it anymore and that I am Sebastien and I am a man.

Not sure how well I can hold to that, but it's getting ridiculous.

[GnomeKid]

I waited until I was on hormones. 

[Jasper]

I actually just had a dream about these situations and they kept calling me by my old name and female pronouns and I flipped out. I yelled at them that I was sick of it, that I'm not going to take it anymore and that I am Sebastien and I am a man.

Maybe part of your brain is telling you that you should stick up for yourself a bit more
Also, nice name. I'm going to make my middle name Sebastian.


When I first came out to my girlfriend she asked when she should call me "he" and "him". I said not to worry about it until she was comfortable doing it. About a week ago I asked her if she remembered that conversation and she replied with another question: whether I wanted her to do it or not. I told her I'd like her to try to use the male pronouns but since we both live with her parents and they don't know it's rather difficult. (holy runon sentence!) She does try though and I know she's working on it to make me happy.

My dad asked the same thing (I don't remember if Mom did but I'll have to speak to her later about it). I told him that I would like him to call me whatever he's comfortable calling me until he's used to it.

Plus I don't pass very well unless I'm at work so far (my voice gives me away!!) so I usually have to put up with the female pronouns.


I have to say though...last night at work one of my friends called me "he" most of the night and it made me quite happy! Soon I'll be coming out to my managers and letting them know that I plan to change my name. I think they'll be cool with it.

[Natkat]

Maybe part of your brain is telling you that you should stick up for yourself a bit more
Also, nice name. I'm going to make my middle name Sebastian.


When I first came out to my girlfriend she asked when she should call me "he" and "him". I said not to worry about it until she was comfortable doing it. About a week ago I asked her if she remembered that conversation and she replied with another question: whether I wanted her to do it or not. I told her I'd like her to try to use the male pronouns but since we both live with her parents and they don't know it's rather difficult. (holy runon sentence!) She does try though and I know she's working on it to make me happy.

My dad asked the same thing (I don't remember if Mom did but I'll have to speak to her later about it). I told him that I would like him to call me whatever he's comfortable calling me until he's used to it.

Plus I don't pass very well unless I'm at work so far (my voice gives me away!!) so I usually have to put up with the female pronouns.


I have to say though...last night at work one of my friends called me "he" most of the night and it made me quite happy! Soon I'll be coming out to my managers and letting them know that I plan to change my name. I think they'll be cool with it.

if we speak dream analysing then its a simple dream of frustration,
showing the anger inside you want to come out with but for a reason or another can't.

[Arch]

Not sure how well I can hold to that, but it's getting ridiculous.

They've known for one month, and you think it's getting ridiculous? No offense, but I think you're expecting a lot in such a short time. Especially from family.

[Wolf Man]

Arch: My parents have known for a month. My sisters have known for maybe 6 months now. And I mean they don't try. I correct them and they're like alright for that one thing and go back to my old name. And my father had the nerve to ask that he just continue to call me my birth name despite everything I told him. I'm not asking them to change overnight, I'm asking them to at least put in some damn effort without me having to shove a foot down their throat.

And maybe it's just my fault. Like I said before, I don't want to push them too much when they're already pushing, but it's getting ridiculous.

[Kohitsu]

Arch: My parents have known for a month. My sisters have known for maybe 6 months now. And I mean they don't try. I correct them and they're like alright for that one thing and go back to my old name. And my father had the nerve to ask that he just continue to call me my birth name despite everything I told him. I'm not asking them to change overnight, I'm asking them to at least put in some damn effort without me having to shove a foot down their throat.

And maybe it's just my fault. Like I said before, I don't want to push them too much when they're already pushing, but it's getting ridiculous.

I have to agree with Arch on this one. One-six months isn't very long, especially considering it's family who have known you your ENTIRE life. It took my dad about a year to get my name right, and he's still having trouble with pronouns. He'll correct himself when he says "princess... I mean prince," but "he" is very difficult, and I'm trying to be as patient as I can without shoving it down his throat. You really need to be patient, because it will take time. Lots of time.

[JohnAlex]

Well maybe I need to wait more time too, because I've only been out to certain family members for 4 months.

But what about new people you meet who are not family members?  like coworkers or classmates?  Everyone I speak to is going to call me "she" because of my voice.  and even though they know I'm trans (because they either asked or someone told them), they still call me "she". 
But I don't know if I should ask them to call me "he" while my voice is still so female sounding. 
I mean, Idk if that might make them feel funny to be calling what sounds like a "girl" as a "he".   

Also, even if they did call me "he", there would also be the awkwardness of some people I know calling me "she" while others call me "he", and if those people ever met.  I just don't want people to feel so awkward about calling me "he" that they won't ever do.  and if there is a better time to wait for and then ask them to do, if I would have a better shot at it.  I just don't know.

[wheat thins are delicious]

But what about new people you meet who are not family members?  like coworkers or classmates?  Everyone I speak to is going to call me "she" because of my voice.  and even though they know I'm trans (because they either asked or someone told them), they still call me "she". 
But I don't know if I should ask them to call me "he" while my voice is still so female sounding. 
I mean, Idk if that might make them feel funny to be calling what sounds like a "girl" as a "he".   

I've said this before but I will say it again.  There are cis men out there with high voices, voices one would hear and think "female."  Don't assume people will think you are female because of your voice. 

When i didn't pass and I met new people I would tell them my name "I'm Andrew".  I go by Andy usually but I told them Andrew (which is my name) so that it would be clear.  If they didn't get the hint from that I would say "actually it's he" 

Whenever people I know who have known for a while slip up it's ok, I don't say anything, but if they slip up a lot (like I hear them slipping up a lot) I correct them like this:  Person "Oh yeah she's over there"  Me: "yeah he's over there"  I just parrot what they said back to them with the correct pronoun.  It does help a lot.

Also, even if they did call me "he", there would also be the awkwardness of some people I know calling me "she" while others call me "he", and if those people ever met.  I just don't want people to feel so awkward about calling me "he" that they won't ever do.  and if there is a better time to wait for and then ask them to do, if I would have a better shot at it.  I just don't know.

Again.  Correct the people who call you she and this problem will diminish.  If there are stubborn people calling you "she" it will be good for them to meet the ones calling you "he" it will help solidify you as male to them.

[Hadrian]

I was kind of lucky. My family still calls me my female name and 'she' though I've asked them to try to switch. That's not so lucky. But my friends switched to calling me 'he' by themselves. They asked flat out, "when do you want me to start calling you he?" And I wasn't sure, because I wanted to wait until I was passing first.

A few months ago, when I was just on the cusp of passing consistently, one of my friends texted me and said "oh by the way I'm calling you 'he' now." Before I'd even asked her to start calling me he. It was pretty cool.

And one of my other friends referred to me as 'he' in a facebook conversation with a mutual friend around the same time. Before I'd asked.

The rest of them were out of town for the summer because we're all university students, and when they came back to school in September they just called me 'he'.

I did have to ask them to call me by my male name at first, but that was a year ago and I wasn't passing then. My friends made the switch pretty well, my family, not so much.

Something similar happened to me as well. I was hanging out with my best friend and her husband and we were all talking and she referred to me using male pronouns and when I asked her about it, she said that that's what I preferred and she respected that and that to her I am a man even if I don't pass yet. It was quite liberating.

As far as people referring to me by Hadrian, it's been a bit harder. Since, most of my friends like 'Adrien' or 'Adrian' much more. Personally, I'm waiting until I've started T and been on it a few months before I make a choice between names, because I'm a bit on the fence about which one I like more.

I don't like people referring to me as 'she', 'girl', or 'woman', but for now I let it go. My closest friends do use female pronouns around me or to anyone else, and that's heartening, and to others they use 'they' and 'them' or my name to refer to me as to not cause mass confusion for now; what more could I ask for? For now I'm content.

JohnAlex, personally if I were meeting you for the first time you would pass even with a feminine voice because I know plenty of men with higher pitched voices. And since most people already know that you are trans if someone called you "he" that shouldn't cause too much confusion since you've said that others are aware that you're trans. Give it time, wait until you're ready.

[Natkat]

I've said this before but I will say it again.  There are cis men out there with high voices, voices one would hear and think "female."  Don't assume people will think you are female because of your voice. 

When i didn't pass and I met new people I would tell them my name "I'm Andrew".  I go by Andy usually but I told them Andrew (which is my name) so that it would be clear.  If they didn't get the hint from that I would say "actually it's he" 

Whenever people I know who have known for a while slip up it's ok, I don't say anything, but if they slip up a lot (like I hear them slipping up a lot) I correct them like this:  Person "Oh yeah she's over there"  Me: "yeah he's over there"  I just parrot what they said back to them with the correct pronoun.  It does help a lot.

Again.  Correct the people who call you she and this problem will diminish.  If there are stubborn people calling you "she" it will be good for them to meet the ones calling you "he" it will help solidify you as male to them.

I think conficende helps alot on that point, im still strugeling on that point,
I think if I should blame something then it must be because when I where smaller and I used to get scolded and trouble by saying I was a HE, so I used she or unisex just to not upset anyone,
even thought I hate the word, it still in me that if I correct someone then that means drama..

bad habbit hard to get off.

[xAndrewx]

Person "Oh yeah she's over there"  Me: "yeah he's over there"  I just parrot what they said back to them with the correct pronoun.  It does help a lot.

I've been introducing myself as male for years and he's right. Very few people will outright question you on your own gender. It'd be like someone saying "when is your birthday?" and you going "oh it's in October" and them (even though they really don't know) going "nope it's in January". It's your birthday, obviously you know. It's your gender so again obviously you know what it is.

I quoted the above because that is how I have gotten my mom to be more accepting. Started doing that about two weeks after I came out to her. It helped to have my ex around who would call me he but when she left I had to start the parroting. You can't make anyone do anything but you can talk to them and explain it makes you more comfortable. Sure, it sucked at first having to seem like trans was a constant in my life because it would be brought up alot but it was worth it man. I'd say start asking them when you are ready. Give the family some time but people who haven't known you as another gender long, tell them and if they get it wrong correct them. Just my opinion.